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The Rings of Power Continues to Look Impressive, At Least

I have not yet watched the first episode of the new Game of Thrones show on HBO Max. I have zero interest in this high budget prequel series to an existing prestige TV show. Likewise, I have zero interest in the high budget prequel series to an existing prestige series of movies. The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power looks impressive, but man, I just don’t care.

So because of a licensing conundrum, Amazon is gonna try to cobble together a show based on Lord of the Rings appendixes? Bwuh? Galadriel is gonna get up to some fightin’ in the long past with no discernable storyline? I just don’t care. But, you know, I’ll probably watch the show eventually. It’s what I do. I watch things.

The Rings of Power comes out on Sept. 2.

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The Rings of Power Hasn’t Hooked Me Yet

There’s going to be a big, expensive Lord of the Rings TV show. It’s going to be set millennia before the movies, focusing on some supplemental material from J.R.R. Tolkien. It’s going to be called The Rings of Power on Amazon Prime, and it’s going to look like this.

And I don’t think it looks like anything. This trailer looks gorgeous. Clearly the money was spent on big CGI landscapes. Because all the character scenes look far less expensive. And none of them are talking about anything interesting. It all looks really cool. But this trailer doesn’t reveal anything about plot or story or characters that gets me excited.

It looks like Amazon put all of their money into making this big show, but have probably failed to come up with any sort of story worth telling.

I hope I’m wrong, obviously. I’m going to watch this show. There’s no reason the showrunners and writers can’t have come up with something really great, that just so happens to have billion-dollar CGI landscapes.

So I’m going to keep my hopes up for when The Rings of Power premieres on Sept. 2!

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My Theory on the Eagles in The Lord of the Rings

I don’t see what the big deal is with the eagles in The Lord of the Rings. Everybody’s always cracking jokes about the eagles or scratching their heads. They ask why the Fellowship of the Ring didn’t just fly giant eagles to Mordor to destroy the One Ring? But these people are ignoring the most obvious answer! I saw yet another fan theory the other day proclaiming that the eagles were Gandalf’s plan all along, hence shouting, “Fly, you fools!” when he died at the Bridge of Khazad Dum. It’s a neat theory, but it’s wrong. The answer is obvious:

The Fellowship of the Ring didn’t fly to Mount Doom because they were trying to stay under the radar.

This sorry lot

If you’ve seen The Lord of the Rings movies, then you know that Gandalf was pals with a bunch of giant eagles, who came to his aid every now and then. And the question is: why didn’t Gandalf just fly a giant eagle to Mount Doom to destroy the One Ring? Seems pretty obvious, right?

Of course it’s obvious. And it would have been just as obvious to their enemies, Saruman and Sauron. The bad guys were actively looking for the One Ring. You don’t think they would have noticed Gandalf riding a giant eagle into Mordor?

Not only that, but evil had an Air Force of their own. As we saw in the climactic battle in Return of the King, the flying Nazgul were the natural enemy of the eagles. The Nazgul were perfectly designed to combat those eagles.

So picture Gandalf and the Fellowship flying up to the edge of Mordor and having a flock of evil lizard dragons pouncing. The eagles would have put up a fight, and I’m sure it would have been glorious, but do you really want to bring the One Ring into that kind of scuffle? How easy would it be to lose the darn thing? Imagine dropping the ring from that height? Not to mention giving the whole game away. Nothing says, ‘We have the One Ring’, like a flock of enormous eagles making a beeline for Mount Doom.

Sauron had no idea who had the ring or where to find it. The One Ring wasn’t with the Middle Earth Air Force, and it wasn’t on the finger of a king sieging the Black Gate with an army of oliphaunts.

It was in the pocket of a hobbit, a curious and unnoticed creature, wandering through the woods. Frodo was a walking hiding place.

And it worked.

Sauron didn’t know about Frodo until it was far too late for him. That was the entire plan. Frodo, with Sam’s help, walked from Hobbiton to Mount Doom without once being found out by Sauron. He stayed so far under the radar that Sauron didn’t have any idea that he was going to lose the One Ring.

The eagles would have been too big. They would have caused a scene, and Sauron would have quickly figured out what was going on. The walking hobbit may have taken longer, but it was clearly a good idea.

But the eagles have no excuse for the ending of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. The Lonely Mountain was right there in front of them. That would have been another 20 minutes in the air, tops.

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Lord of the Rings as a Comedy

The genius that is The Unusual Suspect has made another great trailer, this time combining Suicide Squad with Lord of the Rings — but honestly, it’s just a comedy cut of LOTR set to Bohemian Rhapsody, and it’s amazing.

This is what the Internet was made for. This is the genius that is The Unusual Suspect. This is a good way to start the day!

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Everything Wrong With The Two Towers

Unlike recent EWW episodes, this one tearing down The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers comes in under a svelte 7 minutes, with less than 60 sins! I guess they know good movies when they see them too. Good times!

Perhaps in critiquing the best of the Lord of the Rings movies, the Cinema Sins folks realized they needed to up their game! The nitpicks and sins are actually really good in this video. Funny, insightful, and make a lot of sense. Hopefully I’ll forget them all the next time I marathon The Lord of the Rings films!

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