The Universe Hates Me
I come to you today in sorrow and rage, dear readers. Once I was a man who believed in fairness and joy, who believed that the universe was here to help us all in our times of need. I had always treated the universe well. I respected its awesome power – but it has betrayed me. It has played a cruel trick on my heart, casting aside my love and respect, and replacing it with an icy blackness that tears at my very soul. The universe has hurt me. It has hurt me deep.
You may recall my overwhelming joy last Summer when I learned that one of my all-time favorite comic book characters, Phil Urich, was going to get an action figure. Phil Urich was my Peter Parker. He was the affable young superhero whose Green Goblin series brought me into comics in the 90s. And for the first and probably last time ever, Phil was going to get an action figure in his Hobgoblin persona. He’s such an obscure, minor character that never in my wildest dreams did I think he’d ever get any sort of action figure.
Do you remember, dear readers? Do you remember that moment when the universe shined its light upon me and gave me a gift as pure as the fallen snow?
That moment was lies and deceit, dear readers. That moment is gone now. Only sorrow remains.
For you see, I was perusing the Internet the other day when I stumbled upon this post at i09, which linked to this person’s photobucket account. It seems the Hobgoblin action figure is going to be up for sale soon, and some people have already gotten their copy.
But here’s the thing…Hobgoblin is a build-a-figure.
What’s that, you may ask? What could that possibly mean? It’s simple, really. Instead of simply buying a Hobgoblin action figure off the shelf, like a rational human being, the Hobgoblin figure has been dissected, and the pieces have been scattered into different packages. There are 6 figures in this line of toys, and a piece of Hobgoblin has been placed into each one. This means I have to buy all 6 figures in order to then assemble Hobgoblin.
Do you see the travesty in this, dear readers? Do you see it?! In order to get the one action figure I want, I now have to buy SIX action figures! That’s going to cost $60-$70 instead of the simple $10 of a single action figure! Sixty-freakin’-dollars! What do they think I’m made of, money? Because it sure ain’t money!
And on top of that, I’ve got to somehow find all six action figures! Do you realize how hard that might be? Action figures like this are a specialty item these days. You can’t find every figure in every store, sometimes there are store exclusives, or they’re sold out of all the cool ones!
What are we to do, my friends? What hope do we have in this life against such a cruel and twisted universe?
This is why we can’t have nice things.