Eternals arrives in theaters this week and apparently it’s very decisive. It’s the first Marvel movie to premiere with a Certified Rotten rating at Rotten Tomatoes, and a certain segment of the internet is super happy to dunk on Marvel Studios with that fact. Personally, I don’t care. I don’t use Rotten Tomatoes to decide if I should watch a movie or not, especially not a Marvel movie.

But I can’t help but note that, even though I am a lifelong fan of Marvel Comics, I couldn’t care less about the Eternals the characters.

I don’t know what I’m going to think about the movie this weekend. I’m going to go see it opening weekend, and my review will be up a week from now in the next List of Six. But I do know that I do not care about the Eternals whatsoever. Not as a concept. Not as characters. I’m not even very excited about this movie. I’ll gladly see what Marvel does with them, but hoo boy, the Eternals as comic book characters are pretty much duds all around. So to honor the release of the movie, I’m going to take a look at other Marvel Comics characters and concepts that I also don’t care for.

The Eternals have never been popular comic book characters. Join me after the jump for six other characters and concepts I just don’t give a rat’s butt about.

6. Namor the Sub-Mariner

I have never liked Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner. Just don’t care for him. I tend not to like arrogant jerk characters, and he fits that bill to a T. He just sucks. Heck, his most notable feature is that he’s constantly trying to steal Reed Richards’ wife. Dude! Back off. And don’t get me started on the idea of retconning him to be Marvel’s “first mutant” and then trying to shoehorn him into X-Men stuff. Stay in your lane, Namor.

5. The Inhumans

Alongside the Eternals, I do not care about the Inhumans either. And we can lump the New Gods in as well, over at DC Comics. As great and amazing as Jack Kirby was, I do not care about his weird, neo-religious super families. They do not interest me. Give me grounded characters that I can actually wrap my head around, not entire legions of nigh-divine beings who sit around all day just being super-powered and godlike. Doesn’t matter what name they wear, I think they all stink.

4. Apocalypse and Arakko

I first met Apocalypse in the X-Men animated series in the 1990s. In hindsight, this was apparently less than 10 years after he’d debuted in the comics. It’s weird when you think about it. Anyway, I don’t care for him. He was this big, blue blowhard who always got his butt whooped. The only interesting thing he ever did was make Angel interesting.

Likewise, I could not care less about all the new Apocalypse-related retcons from the new Krakoa-era stuff. All this nonsense about his wife and children, all of whom are also immortal, and the ancient island of Arakko. It’s all garbage and I want nothing to do with any of it. I’m glad that he’s gone.

3. The X-Men in space

While we’re on the topic of the X-Men, keep them on the planet Earth, please. I have absolutely zero interest in X-Men space adventures (with few exceptions). I don’t care about the Shi’ar, I don’t care about the Brood and I don’t care about the Phoenix, Dark or otherwise. The X-Men are amazing as a grounded look at standing tall in the face of prejudice and bigotry. They don’t need to do that in space.

2. Vision and the Scarlet Witch

I loved WandaVision. It was a great show! And I can’t wait to see the characters again in future movies. But man, I do not care about either Vision or Scarlet Witch in the actual Marvel Comics. Vision is that weird, multi-colored robot and Scarlet Witch is an unimpressive B-team member of the Avengers. And the Avengers were never my jam, so these characters never mattered to me.

1. Thanos

He’s great in Infinity War. He’s less great in Endgame. But in the comics, Thanos kinda sucks. He sucks even more nowadays now that he’s this famous movie presence. Thanos is boring. He’s evil for evil’s sake. And I don’t think his “in love with Death” gimmick is all that interesting anymore after his much better movie motivation. And, like I said, since he’s so popular from the movies, Marvel is constantly pushing him as the be-all, end-all of villainy in comics. Thanos is the Roman Reigns of Marvel super-villains.

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