Just when I think Teen Titans has done everything in its power to mess with my head, here comes Teen Titans #23. On the one hand, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted from the comic. Here is an issue dedicated to the various members sitting down and talking to one another about themselves and their lives. Some of them even sound kind of like teenagers; you know, when they’re not utterly the most base, awkward expositional dialogue ever written. Oh yes, oh yes. The one thing I’ve been complaining about most since the start of the DCnU Titans, and Teen Titans #23 delivers in spades.

Teen Titans #23

But holy crap is this a weird, stunted and disappointing comic!

Comic Rating: 4/10 – Pretty Bad.

I don’t even think I should rate these Teen Titans issues anymore. I’ve lost all ability to be objective, or even recognize what is or isn’t a good or bad issue. There’s just the same dull ache of concern over whether what I’m reading is fine, or if it’s just as inane and misguided as it’s been since the beginning. Teen Titans is a bad comic book. The characters are paper thin and have zero depth. They have no reason for being a team. It’s just a collection of familiar characters garbled together into a team book, with sales presumably strong enough to keep it going, based probably entirely on the brand recognition. Their dialogue is some of the most stilted, exposition-heavy in all of comics. And their costumes just look stupid. There, I said it.

Teen Titans #23 starts off with one of the silliest moments yet as the team deals with Kid Flash being pulled into that vortex, which you can see on the cover. It’s one of the most openly comedic moments I have seen in comics in a long time, but it’s so broadly comedic that I’m not sure it’s actually happening in 2013. It seems like something you’d see in a 90s sitcom, complete with laugh track.

On top of that, for reasons I can’t quite fathom, writer Scott Lobdell spends the issue reintroducing every single member of the team, in the most awkward and obvious ways possible. One would think this is a ‘jumping on’ type of play, for any new readers (as if!), but then the next issues of Teen Titans in September are part of that Villains Month play. They won’t have anything to do with the Teen Titans. So why would anybody jump on for this issue, then be forced to read comics about Trigon and Deathstroke?

And the ending. God damn the ending of this comic. If it means what I think it means…

Join me after the jump for a full synopsis and more head-against-wall examination of this out-of-control comic book.

So as you can tell by the cover, Kid Flash is being pulled into a time vortex by a large number of hands. Fair enough. He’s from the future, after all. We know that much. So clearly the future is trying to drag him back, and the future has a lot of hands. I would argue against this happening so quickly after the Trigon battle, but that’s how Teen Titans works: all action, all the time.

Fortunately for Kid Flash, Wonder Girl comes to his rescue!

Because of course she does

And so it begins, the comedic event of the New 52.

One by one, each of the Teen Titans jumps into the fray, each one grabbing the next Titan in line. And Lobdell introduces each and every one of them. Names. Powers. And a brief description. This is Teen Titans 101 as they all line up to form a human chain. It’s both insanely brilliant and insanely inane. It is just so monstrously silly.

Oh also, in the middle of it, Bunker comes out and states that his powers are based on willpower. Did we know that? Or is that just kind of being tossed into the fray? You know what, it doesn’t matter. They could be based on the stars for all it really matters to Bunker or anyone.

Superboy and Red Robin are the last two to show up, and Superboy delivers the first bit of horrible dialogue after saying that Red Robin is still the boss.

Don’t worry, he’s going somewhere with this

Fortunately, Cassie calls him on it. Clearly something is on Superboy’s mind…as we’ll find out soon enough, to my utter dismay.

Anyway, Superboy uses his powers to close down the portal and everybody’s relatively fine, in a wildly comedic, zany sort of way.

Wacky fun

‘Being real’? Does anybody even say that anymore? Has anyone ever said that in the history of teen slang?

Then we take a one-page excursion into the later half of the 30th century to get a glimpse of the morons trying to grab Kid Flash – whose real name is apparently ‘Bar Tor’. They all seem generally generic. And none of them have a whole lot of hands, by the way. Just pointing that out.

Dull and Duller

They’re almost as bad as Rush.

Back in the present, Kid Flash tells everybody that he simply doesn’t remember what he did in the past, and they mostly believe him. Raven is the only one who really doesn’t like trusting Kid Flash, but then not a lot of them trust Raven either. Also, artist Robson Rocha recreates that infamous big-chested Captain America picture

UPPER BODIES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!!

Red Robin tells everybody to relax, that they should take some time to process everything that’s happened. And that’s exactly what they do.

Beast Boy and Bunker hang out because they’re best friends all of a sudden. Bunker is a little bummed about everything that’s been happening, but Beast Boy one-ups him by stating how he had to watch all of his friends die in front of him – which explains what happened to the Ravagers. They were all killed? Really? Seems kind of harsh for a bunch of characters who we knew weren’t going to sell in the first place.

Then Bunker gets a text message that someone is awake and asking for him. I hope you remember your Bunker backstory.

Elsewhere, Wonder Girl is sitting on a rock overlooking the Titans’ yacht. Superboy joins her. Then, whereas Cassie wants to talk about all the revelations she’s recently learned about herself, Superboy only has one thing on his mind.

Hey, remember that time you made out with Red Robin?

Jeez, Superboy, could you be any more obvious? Wonder Girl tries to wax philosophical about what it’s like to be possessed, but all Superboy wants to know is if she wanted to have sex with Red Robin. Wonder Girl tells him that she totally did.

This part, I kind of like. The characters are being frank, they’re being young, and they’re talking about their lives (and sex). This is the kind of stuff I’ve wanted from Teen Titans since the very beginning. They kind of sound like teenagers. They’re kind of talking about teenage things. Superboy clearly has a one-track mind, but that totally works for his character. Teenagers are hormonal, and for once, the comic is addressing those hormones.

Then, in short order, Cassie comes up with the name ‘Conner’, tells him that she’s a big girl and they kiss.

Because of course they do

Because why do anything different in the reboot, huh? God dammit, I hate this kiss. I hate it so much. Superboy and Wonder Girl is a horribly boring relationship. The one thing I actually liked about Teen Titans was the growing relationship between Red Robin and Wonder Girl. It was something new, something that didn’t exist before the reboot. It was something Lobdell actually seemed to have some skill in telling. But nope! Just hook up Superboy and Wonder Girl, and just call him ‘Conner’ all over again.

Sorry, Lobdell and DC Comics, you can’t go back! You made the changes, you ruined Tim Drake, and now you’ve got to live with it!

Then Teen Titans goes into full-on ‘Explanation Mode’. Red Robin sits Raven down and gives her an exhaustive description of each member of the Teen Titans and what they bring to the team. Because we all needed that, apparently. And I’m going to post it all for your benefit. Just click to enlarge.

Soak it in, these are your Teen Titans for the foreseeable future

Thanks for that, I guess? We all needed Lobdell to explain the paper thin characterization of his team. Ugh. I really don’t like this comic. But it has so much potential to be good! There’s so much potential to be had in a Teen Titans series in the New 52. These are still good characters. Also, why doesn’t Red Robin explain why everybody on the team wears red? He could at least tell Raven that she needs to change her costume.

But wait, we’re not done yet!

First, Red Robin tells Raven – the daughter of Trigon, who only joined the team yesterday – that if something happens to him, the team is going to look to her for leadership. Yes, he really says that. And it is ridiculous. Why the hell would anyone on the Teen Titans look to Raven for leadership? Robin says it’s because they all saw her stand up to her father, and that somehow earned her their respect, but how would that make her a leader? None of the Titans would look to Raven for leadership. Superboy straight up said he didn’t trust her, and then Raven said she didn’t trust Kid Flash. There is not a whole lot of trust – or any trust, whatsoever – between Raven and the other Titans. Has Lobdell already forgotten how little effort he put into inducting Raven to the team? He pretty much just said that she and Beast Boy joined. It just happened.

Oh, also, remember how Raven is a double agent? So yeah, Red Robin continues to be a total idiot. Plus he lost Wonder Girl, apparently. Tim Drake has fallen so far.

Elsewhere, Kid Flash and Solstice make up and kiss too. Simple as that. There’s a lot of nice teenage stuff in this issue, but no drama about it. The cute characters all just hook up. La de da.

Then we get to the ending. And if this ending is to be believed, it kind of makes me furious. If it’s true, then what the hell, man? What he hell, DC? Do you really suck this much? If it’s just a red herring, then fine. I can live with that and move on. But it just feels so final, and it pisses me off.

So Bunker gathers the Titans together and explains the text message from earlier. His boyfriend Gabriel has woken up from his coma and has asked for Bunker. We heard about Gabriel a few issues ago, so this isn’t completely out of left field. But then Bunker says he’s going to head home to see Gabriel, and Beast boy has volunteered to go with him. That could be a good subplot…until the final page, which if anyone knows comics, clearly looks like a ‘farewell forever’ kind of page.

Sayonara!

The dramatic walking away pose. The shot of the team standing in the background, with their superhero images imposed above them. That image is iconic. That is the image of a team member leaving the team for good, his dramatic farewell. And to that I say: what the hell!? Getting rid of Bunker! Seriously!? That’s stupid!

Bunker is an original character created for the New 52. In fact, there were two of them for the Teen Titans, Bunker and Skitter. But Lobdell got rid of Skitter a long, long, looooong time ago, without any fanfare whatsoever. Is he now getting rid of Bunker? Is the character not as popular as he hoped? Did someone in DC editorial say to get rid of him? There is no reason to do this! Bunker has been a fine character since the beginning, so why get rid of him now? What purpose does it serve? What’s the point? It’s not like his backstory is all that compelling! Or that his place on the team was in any way in doubt! He’s just up and leaving. But why not have the whole team head back to Mexico with him? They live on a yacht now, after all! They could sail there!

And Beast Boy going with him is just silly. I’ve been grousing about the ease with which Beast Boy joined the Titans in the first place, but to just dump him like this alongside Bunker? It feels disingenuous.

That’s the problem with Teen Titans as a whole: it all feels disingenuous, this issue especially. Teen Titans #23 gives me exactly what I want from the team, but it fails in giving me any reason to care. The opening segment is goofy as hell, but then is immediately forgotten for the second half of the book. Nobody cares that some time vortex just tried to pull Kid Flash through? Then Superboy and Wonder Girl make out, creating the most unoriginal coupling possible in this comic. Then Kid Flash and Solstice make up, so there goes that drama. They don’t even explore why she would kiss Tim. And speaking of Red Robin, he’s an utter dope for immediately and completely trusting Raven with everything. He sits her down and gives her a full lesson in Titans history, then tells her that he’s already eyeballing her for replacement leader, should the time come.

Teen Titans just gets more and more ridiculous. And if they really are ditching Bunker for no good reason, this comic is more pathetic than I could ever imagine. The only reason I can think for getting rid of Bunker (and Skitter) is that DC wants the Teen Titans to be as classic as possible, given their current incarnation. They added Raven and ditched both brand new characters. Solstice is pretty new, but a character named ‘Solstice’ was on the team before the reboot.

Also, remember, one of the Villains Month issues stars Deathstroke. In the New 52, what reason could Deathstroke possibly have for appearing in a Teen Titans book? If you recall, Deathstroke had his own comic at the launch of the New 52. It got cancelled, big time. So since he couldn’t cut it on his own, looks to me like DC is in a rush to get him back as a Titans villain, even though in this continuity, he has no connection to the Titans whatsoever.

Sounds to me like DC might be a little desperate to turn back the reboot clock on the Teen Titans.