As of this writing, there are 649 pokemon. That means several artists and game designers sat down and thought up 649 individual little critters to put into all the Pokemon games, having to make them all unique and interesting in their own right. And with the new Pokemon X and Pokemon Y coming out this Fall, that means there are another 100+ pokemon still to be announced to fill those games. How do they do it? How do they design so many different pokemon?

The answer is easy: they cheat!

If you look over your standard Pokedex, you’ll see that Pokemon games are filled with normal animals that have been given a weird, cartoony twist. There are cows, snakes, giraffes, turtles, pigs, bats, monkeys, scorpions, camels and more. And the designers didn’t stop at animals. There are also a lot of inanimate object pokemon. There are gears, magnets, ice cream cones, balloons and chandeliers. There is even a pokemon that is just a giant, sentient, bag of garbage!

And you better believe I used him in my party!

So for the new games, I’ve decided to help Nintendo out in the creative department. I’ve looked over all 649 pokemon and have found some holes that need to be filled. Here are my six suggestions for what they can use to make the next pokemon!

6. Platypus

The furry, duck-billed freak of the sea

The platypus is the only physical proof that God exists. And that he has a sense of humor. Half duck, half beaver, all ass-kicker, the platypus is nature’s random button. Did you know that platypuses (platypi?) are also poisonous, with little barbs on the backs of their legs? Or that they lay eggs? Because why quit when you’re ahead on the weirdness scale. Next you’ll tell me they’ve evolved rollerblade feet and can form rudimentary economies.

Pokemon is long overdue from welcoming this noble creature into its good graces. It would be fun to mix and match different pokemon into a new platypus-esque hybrid. Or just a straight up platypus. I’m thinking water-type.

5. Clowns

When nightmares have nightmares

Why are there no clown pokemon? Along with animals and inanimate objects, there are also a strange number of humanoid pokemon. Mimes, boxers, karate champions, construction workers, fortune tellers, these humanoid types are the creepiest of all. So why not a clown? Or a jester? A really creepy Ronald McDonald sort of pokemon, the kind of clown that gives you nightmares and eats you when you sleep. It would have to be a dark type, of course. Although I guess Pokemon tend to be kid-friendly games. But there are ghosts and mummies, so why not a clown? With sharp teeth and big, evil eyes…maybe I shouldn’t go to the circus anymore.

4. Math Homework

The answer is 42

Pokemon games are made for kids, and what is the natural enemy of kids? Homework! So Nintendo needs to tap into the evil power of this ancient rivalry and make a truly villainous pokemon. It would be a psychic type, of course. And no doubt would be able to cast Confusion.

But what sort of shape would a math homework pokemon take? A notebook? A calculator? Bah! I’m about to get existential on your butts. Get ready to have your minds blown. The pokemon would be a sentient mathematical equation! It’d be some kind of ‘thought pokemon’. Sound too freaky? Well then you haven’t heard of Dkrtzy RRR, the bio-sentient mathematical equation that is also a Green Lantern! And if they can do it then so can Pokemon!

3. Deadly Spiders

When clowns aren’t scary enough

There aren’t enough evil, poisonous arachnids in Pokemon. Where’s my tarantula? Where’s my black widow? Where’s my ravine trapdoor spider pokemon? The best they’ve got are Spinarak and Ariados, and those are pathetic. I can’t imagine any human being ever actually having one of those two in their party, not unless they were purposefully trying to handicap themselves. Besides, they’ve only got six legs. That’s an insect, not an arachnid. That’s basic entomology, people.

No, I’m talking full-on venomous monster spider. Beady eyes, hairy bodies, eight legs, and the sort of fangs that make you afraid to put your shoes on. And thanks to the nature of pokemon, the spider could be 10-feet-tall and have psychic powers. Because Pokemon is a lot scarier than people give it credit for.

Speaking of which…

2. The Frog That Hatches Its Eggs on Its Back and Has All the Little Baby Frogs Come Burrowing Out, Oh God, Just Thinking About it Makes Me…Ugh!

I truly apologize for this

I am a grown man. I am very brave and manly. But there is one thing in this world that always gives me the heebie-jeebies: the Surinam Toad. This is a creature born from Hell’s own aquarium. The Surinam Toad raises its eggs in little pockets on its big, flat back. And when they hatch, the little baby toads crawl out of the pockets. It’s like the movie Alien, only there are dozens of the creepy crawly little bastards! Don’t believe me? See for yourself…

Dear sweet God in Heaven…why have you cursed us so? Did he who made the lamb make thee?

The new games are already going to feature a frog pokemon as one of the starters, Froakie. But we don’t yet know Froakie’s evolutions. What if Froakie’s final form is the Surinam, and on its back are little holes with tiny Froakie’s popping out? It’ll be the most terrifying pokemon of all time!

1. Game Boy

80% of my childhood

What better way for Pokemon to celebrate its roots than by debuting a creature based on the original Game Boy? I’m talking the big, gray brick  of a system with the green, pixelated graphics. You could build a barn with that thing. Pokemon has always been eager to embrace the latest systems, from the Game Boy Advance to the DS. And now Pokemon X and Pokemon Y will be the first games on the 3Ds, because apparently 3D makes everything better. I guess I didn’t get that memo.

Anyway, the Game Boy pokemon would be an electric type. It wouldn’t be the first appliance to get the Pokemon treatment. Though it would definitely be the coolest. Pokemon has a lot of longtime fans still playing, with a lot of people who favorably remember the original games. Pokemon is old enough that people can start feeling nostalgic about it. Embrace that nostalgia. Give the fans something to love.