6 Most Badass Elves in Pop Culture
Christmas is right around the corner (and Hannukah just ended), so what better time to talk about elves? I mean, what time of the year do you most talk about elves? That’s what I thought. There are many kinds of elves in pop culture. You have your Christmas elves, your high elves, your house elves, your night elves, your dark elves, your cookie elves, your wood elves, your cereal elves; all manner of elf in every shape, size and dainty color. But don’t let their delicate features or diminutive size fool you. Elves can be quite badass.
So for Christmas this year, let’s take a look at the 6 most badass elves in pop culture! And I hope everybody has a Merry Christmas!
This badass mofo faced down a giant Abominable Snowman and tore out that bastard’s teeth! The Bumble was the terror of the North Pole. There’s no telling how many elves and reindeer he ate over the decades. And Santa clearly wasn’t doing anything. Only Hermey the Dentist had the cojones to take down that beast, with the only kind of brutality that a Bumble would understand. I bet he didn’t even use Novocaine. And let’s not forget that Hermey was a revolutionary, fighting against centuries of forced labor in the toy factories in order to live his dream as a dentist. That’s pretty inspiring. Though as soon as he got the job, he immediately started pulling his former boss’ teeth. I’m sensing a pattern.
5. High Priestess Tyrande Whisperwind
It’s one thing to be a leader to your people, but a leader for 10,000 years? That is the great burden that Tyrande Whisperwind has proudly shouldered as leader of the Night Elves in World of Warcraft. But Tyrande didn’t get there just by sleeping with Archdruid Malfurion Stormrage (night elves have awesome names). Oh no. Tyrande was a general of the Night Elf sentinels, and is the high priestess of the moon goddess. So this elf maiden knows a thing or two about cutting a flaming swath through orcish hordes. She’s also probably the inspiration for every lonely male WoW player who creates a female night elf character for deviant purposes. So she’s got that going for her.
4. Ernest J. Keebler
Anybody brave enough to use an oven inside an oak tree is incredibly badass. The cookies gotta get made! The Keebler Elves put their lives on the line every day just to do their jobs, and they do it with a smile. These elves don’t need no stinkin’ health and safety regulations! And the most badass of all is their king, Ernest J. Keebler! Or maybe he’s their slave-driving CEO. Either way, you just know he hasn’t raised the minimum wage in decades while giving himself a big, fat bonus every year. And don’t even think about unionizing, because there’s a reason why the E.L. Fudge cookies look like the elves.
Say what you will about the enslavement of House Elves, but more people in the wizarding community should be afraid of these badass little warriors doing their laundry and scrubbing the toilets. For years, Dobby the house elf lived in wretched squalor in Malfoy Manor, living his subservient life like the rest of his people. But all those years built into a festering resentment for Dobby, who defied his very nature of warn Harry Potter of impending danger. And the very moment Dobby was freed (by a sock, no less), he called upon all of his anger and power to send Lucius Malfoy flying! Dobby defeated the right hand of Lord Voldemort himself! To say nothing of leading a daring prison escape in the last book. And the hero’s funeral.
This badass elf single-handedly took down a giant oliphant with just his badassery and a bow and arrow! You all saw it! With a whole freakin’ herd of these walking mansions bearing down on Minas Tirith, Legolas took one look at those beasts and told himself, “Yep, this is happening.” Legolas didn’t even hesitate. The guy is thousands of years old, looks like Orlando Bloom and has long, flowing golden hair, but he just keeps stepping up. How many orc or uruk-hai children were left orphaned because of Legolas’ bow? And he’s not even content just to shoot people. Sometimes Legolas will straight up just stab people with his arrows, usually in the face. Legolas cuts out the middle man. The dude was unstoppable – except for that one time when all he had to do shoot the guy running with the blazing torch, the one heading straight for a bomb at Helm’s Deep. You had one job, Legolas! One job!
Nothing is more badass than the noble hero who turns against his evil roots. Which is probably why Drizzt Do’Urden is so beloved by Dungeons & Dragons fans. Let’s count the ways: born of the Drow race of typically evil dark elves, Drizzt rejects their wicked ways and instead becomes a hero with a noble code of honor. Chicks love a bad boy who yearns to be good. Drizzt also has lavender eyes instead of the typical Drow red. So clearly some kind of dark elf Chosen One, ladies. And besides the panther ghost for a pet, he just happens to wield dual scimitars named Twinkle and Icingdeath, like you do. And all 18 D&D novels that feature Drizzt have made it to the New York Times’ Best Seller List. So he knows a little something about pushing product. But most badass of all, Drizzt has become the poster child for every fan-made D&D character since. Everyone who’s dark elf character just happens to be a good guy with a noble code of honor. And who just happens to have a unique eye color. And who just happens to long, flowing white hair.
Personally, I want to see what kinds of toys Drizzt would make and leave under the tree. I bet they’d be good for dragon-slaying.