My 6 Favorite Fictional Weapons

I’m not much of a weapons man in real life. My family never owned guns and I never went hunting. I never got my parents to sign me up for any cool ninja sword classes. I never even got to use my dad’s chainsaw when I helped him gather wood all those times. But like most every boy on the planet, you better believe every stick or toy I found turned me into a Ninja Turtle. Every cardboard tube was an instant lightsaber. It’s just the way of the world.

Don’t worry, she’s from the Internet, she will protect us

And while real life weapons are cool, fictional weapons are even cooler! Imaginations run wild and think up some of the greatest, coolest, wildest tools imaginable, and we’d all sell important body parts just to own them. Some people may want jetpacks or flying cars to be invented, but I want these 6 awesome fictional weapons!

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6. Lancer

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Your enemies will supply the blood

The Lancer from Gears of War is the best gun in all of video games. Not only does it fire big, thick, giant-sized bullets that tear through human and locust body alike, but it also has a chainsaw bayonet. Let me repeat that, in case you didn’t fully understand: CHAINSAW BAYONET! If your opponent gets too close in the middle of combat, you just flick another button and you saw them in half with a chainsaw attached to your machine gun! Be careful watching that video because you will immediately go out and buy an X-Box 360 and all three Gears of War games. The Lancer is the perfect combination of gun and killing machine. The only improvement you could make would be attaching a velociraptor to a bazooka.

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5. Captain America’s Shield

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The most patriotic weapon ever

That’s pure Wakandan Vibranium, baby! You’re not going to find material that rich outside of the mightiest heroes on Earth. And not only is Captain America’s shield bullet-proof and patriotic, but it bounces! Most often off bad guys’ skulls. But what other heroes can say that their greatest weapon bounces? That’s the beauty of the shield’s design. Captain America is this tactical and mathematical genius. He can charge into battle against a roomful of villains, and while he’s throwing punches and kicks, he’s also throwing his shield. And he does the trajectory math in his head, predicting what walls and skulls it’s going to bounce off so that he knows where he has to be standing to catch it. Either that or the shield magically knows how to return to Captain America. Either answer would be awesome.

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4. Green Lantern Power Ring

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Also available in a variety of colors

The Green Lantern Power Ring is called the most powerful weapon in the cosmos because the user can conjure up anything they can imagine. So what does Earth’s Green Lantern do with it? He makes giant boxing gloves! Or swords! But what about a hyper-atomic 100-story-tall mecha-wizard? Or at the very least, a boxing glove with spikes on the knuckles? What I love most about the Green Lantern is that he isn’t a superhero, he’s a space cop. When I think of ‘space cop’ I picture something like Judge Dredd, all cop-uniform and guns and “THE LAW!” Instead, DC invented a group of bright green officers who wear rings instead of shoot guns. Rings that can fuse suns together.

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3. Web-Shooters

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Cooler than organic webbing any day of the week

I want web-shooters. And, of course, the enhanced spider-powers to be able to use them properly. Flying like Superman is probably a blast, but wouldn’t you rather swing through a city of tall skyscrapers like Spider-Man? Hurling yourself through the air at however many miles per hour, relying only on gravity, physics and your own skill to keep from going splat into the side of a building? I’ve never gone bungie jumping, but I imagine it’s insane. Well swinging with web-shooters is like bungie jumping sideways, and then doing it again and again until you reach your destination. And don’t tell me that web-shooters are not a weapon. You damn well better believe that Spider-Man uses them in all of his fights, from blinding or tying up his foes to creating web-baseball bats or other fancy doohickeys to clobber Mysterio or Doc Ock.

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2. Proton Pack

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“Do…Re…Egon!”

I love how ramshackle the Ghostbusters’ proton packs look. The very idea of catching ghosts as a blue collar day job is brilliant enough, but major awesome points to whoever decided to give them these cumbersome, ungainly backpacks to do it with. When I think ‘catching ghosts’, I’d imagine something sleeker, more elegant. But clearly I would be way off. Plus then the humor the movies get out of the proton packs, from how heavy it is to lug them around, to concerns about wearing unlicensed nuclear accelerators on their backs; is it any wonder Dan Aykroyd is so desperate to make a Ghostbusters 3? My brother and I had the full-sized proton pack toys when we were the kids, the plastic ones that you could actually wear on your back and came with an attached gun wand. I loved mine so much that I once went as a Ghostbuster for Halloween. Though I will forever regret wearing that cheap, plastic Egon Spangler mask instead of just going as myself as a Ghostbuster. How embarrassing.

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1. Lightsaber

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Which one would you choose?

The greatest weapon ever imagined. And who hasn’t imagined playing with a lightsaber? Obi-Wan Kenobi put it best when he described the lightsaber as “Not as clumsy or random as a blaster; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age.” It’s a laser sword, people. A colorful, glowing, quietly humming laser sword that will cut off your arm and cauterize the wound at the same time. It can deflect laser bolts and burn through doors; beautiful in its simplicity. And say what you will about the prequels, but they took an already awesome weapon and turned the dial up to 11. The lightsaber battles in the prequels are some of the coolest sword fights in the history of cinema. And how game-changing was that Phantom Menace trailer when Darth Maul suddenly ignited a double-bladed lightsaber? Being a geek has never been the same since that moment. And, of course, it inspired me to build my own double-bladed purple lightsaber! Consider that one check off the old bucket list.

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Those are my favorite fictional weapons, what are some of yours? Surely I forgot to add one or two great weapons to the list. Let me know in the comments!

About Sean Ian Mills

Hello, this is Sean, the Henchman-4-Hire! By day I am a mild-mannered newspaper reporter in Central New York, and by the rest of the day I'm a pretty big geek when it comes to video games, comic books, movies, cartoons and more.

Posted on August 15, 2012, in Lists of Six!, Movies, Spider-Man, Star Wars, Video Games and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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