Henchman-4-Hire

I will defend to my last breath that creativity is not dead. However in Hollywood, I would argue that it is confused and unsure of itself. Making movies is a creative endeavor, but actually getting them made all comes down to who holds the purse strings. It’s why I have zero interest in writing a screenplay and trying to make it as a writer in Hollywood. I won’t get to create my visions, I’ll be bound by the horrendous studio system, of which I abhor.

A system that produces the three following movies I want to talk to you about.

There is no subtlety in what I am about to show you. The lines between reality and ironic parody are no more. This is why I think creativity is confused. These are movies that must have seemed like a silly joke to someone, but in a system run by focus groups and the bottom dollar, these movies have actually been made and will be hoisted upon the paying public. Possibly in 3D.

I want you to look at these three movies (2 trailers and a poster) from two different perspectives. First, look at them as legitimate creative films, or at least advertisements for real, upcoming films. For that is what they truly are. Second, look at them as satirical parodies of movie advertisements, created solely for use on the Internet as something worthy of an afternoon guffaw.

You will see no difference.

The first is a movie called The FP, and I’m not quite sure what it stands for. It appears to be a movie set in some type of urban, post-apocalyptic landscape. But instead of wars or shootouts, the rival gangs compete at…Dance Dance Revolution. Were this a parody trailer, it would be perfect in its satire. But can they maintain that brilliance in a full length film?

The next movie is called Rise of the Guardians, a computer animated film by Dreamworks. This is a strong argument for creativity being dead in Hollywood. The premise is that all of the mythological characters from our everyday lives, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, etc., are not only real, but they’re a team of superheroes. They must team up to stop a bad guy from taking over the world. This is insane…but not in a good way. It’s like some executive wanted to make a superhero movie, but they couldn’t just copy The Incredibles, and they didn’t want to license a pre-existing hero, so they’re just taking a bunch of free-to-use characters and bundling them into a turd sandwich.

Then gave some money to Alec Baldwin.

Many souls will be reaped in Hell over this

This movie actually has a release date of Nov. 21.

The next film is most definitely a parody, and I remember it being advertised at New York Comic-Con. According to Wikipedia, is does not have a distributor, but the rest of the Internet says it’s due out in 2011. We’ll see. But it’s called Pizza Man, and it stars Frankie Muniz. I’m pretty sure anything starring Frankie Muniz these days is going to automatically be perceived as a parody. No offense to the guy. He’s still the writer of one of the coolest Tweets ever. Mad respect.

But still, this movie just reeks of bottom of the barrel thinking. It’s the most obvious jokes, the most obvious ideas, and the trailer is 4 minutes long. Why not just stop with the trailer and post it on Funny or Die, or something? Be an Internet sensation for a few weeks for far less money.

Though granted, if Hollywood let me make a movie, I’d probably make a crappy one too.