6 Classic Video Games That Need Modern, R-Rated Cartoons

In these virus-ridden times, the only thing we all have to look forward to is crashing on our various couches and binging Netflix. I recently finished the latest season of the Castlevania cartoon, and it was awesome! Great character work, fun and clever writing, glorious animation and an eye-popping amount of Hard-R-Rated gore and more. They went all out with this cartoon.

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Go ahead and binge all three seasons while you’re in quarantine!

So let’s kill some time in our new virus reality by daydreaming about other modern, Hard-R-Rated versions of classic video games. Why not? What do we have to lose? Sure, some of these could be turned into goofy, kid-friendly cartoons. But I want more total badasses kicking butt and being hardcore! That’s the sort of world we deserve. That’s the kind of world we should live in!

Join me after the jump for six classic video games that I think should get the modern Castlevania cartoon treatment! Life will just be more fun that way.

6. Double Dragon

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Two rad dudes!

Double Dragon already had a stupid, kid-friendly cartoon back in the day. It sucked…except for that guy who had really big sickle weapons on his arms? He was radical! And they made him playable in at least one game. Anyway, not to get off topic, but Double Dragon is a basic set up with a lot of room to explore. Martial arts brothers Billy and Jimmy Lee take on an entire city full of gang members to rescue their mutual love interest, Marian, who was a student in their dojo. All of that would make for some great R-rated plotting. Two brothers in love with the same woman, who is a student in their dojo. That’s all manner of taboo. And they have to put aside their differences to save her from some truly dastardly thugs and criminals. Plus the fighting would be off the chain! Let animation really blow our minds with fight choreography!

And then include Sickle, because you’ve just go to include Sickle!

5. Metal Gear Solid

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I’ll never forget you, Sniper Wolf…

Metal Gear Solid was my favorite game on the original Playstation. The story gets really weird in all of the sequels, but the original is perfect for a self-contained story. A cool, calm and collected super spy in a nifty outfit invades a secret government facility. He’s got cool friends, he fights cool bad guys, and the ultimate villain is his evil twin clone brother! And there’s a giant robot! Metal Gear Solid is already an amazing story, and now is the time to bring that story to the masses with a cool, dastardly cartoon, the way the hip kids are doing it these days.

4. Final Fantasy VII

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I played the new demo and it was fine

Does anybody even really remember or understand the story of Final Fantasy VII? Does Sephiroth even physically appear in the game? The time has come for somebody to sit down and create a cool, hardcore cartoon that bars no holds to retell this epic story. Have it make sense. Use all of the characters and use them well. Focus on Cloud, but make everyone feel the pain of losing Aerith all over again. It was a defining moment for us gamers, but what about the rest of the world? If they thought Game of Thrones was bad, they ain’t seen nothing yet!

3. Star Fox

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Did you know it’s canon that they get their legs chopped off and replaced by cyborg parts?

Here’s my wildcard suggestion. Do a crazy, off-the-wall, full graphic everything rendition of Star Fox! Just go for it! An elite squad of fighter pilots in a battle across the galaxy? Hells yeah! There aren’t enough fighter pilot squad shows or games or movies. Make them cool again! Make Top Gun with a space-faring fox! Give Slippy a dark subplot? Tap into Falco’s depression! Give me a Star Fox beach volleyball scene! Star Fox is ripe with cartoon potential and Nintendo has been foolish not to grab that brass ring.

2. Starcraft

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Who are the true aliens?

Speaking of stars, where is my dangerously wicked Starcraft anime? Personally, I’d be more into a Warcraft ongoing cartoon adventure, but Warcraft is bloated with story already, and probably making more money with World of Warcraft. So how about Blizzard tap all of that potential Starcraft stuff? You’ve got some insanely cool aliens to play with. The Zerg horrors could truly shine in an R-rated cartoon that doesn’t need to hold back. Raynor and Kerrigan would make for good, sexy leads, and there’s a lot of story to mine. Then find some way to convert the cartoon into a new esport!

1. Super Metroid

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How is this not a cartoon already?!

Honestly, this is the only entry that matters. That Nintendo has never seen fit to bring Samus Aran to the masses is a damn shame. What are you guys waiting for? A badass lady bounty hunter killing aliens in a very unique, very cool suit of armor? And one that has been around for 30+ years? That millions of fans already know and love?! Metroid is way, way overdue for some excellent adaptations, and I just want something as cool and as gnarly and as real as the Castlevania show. Make Samus even a fraction as cool as Sypha Belnades and you could have a masterpiece on your hands!

It stands a better chance than a live action movie.


About Sean Ian Mills

Hello, this is Sean, the Henchman-4-Hire! By day I am a mild-mannered newspaper reporter in Central New York, and by the rest of the day I'm a pretty big geek when it comes to video games, comic books, movies, cartoons and more.

Posted on March 18, 2020, in Cartoons, Lists of Six!, Television, Video Games. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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