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6 Star Wars Things I Don’t Care About

Anticipation is ramping up for Star Wars Episode 8: The Last Jedi in December. Everybody is excited about the new trailers, the new toys, the new details and all manner of other stuff. I’m right with them. I love Star Wars and I’m looking forward to the new movie.

But here’s the thing: there’s a lot about Star Wars that I just don’t care about.

SW Dont Care List 01

Why don’t their faces line up?

The Internet may be awesome, but it has given rise to an insane cannibalistic love of all things geek, especially Star Wars. Even though we’re all super excited to see the movie in all its glory, Internet writers and fans will gladly and eagerly pick apart any minor detail that might slip out between now and the premiere. Like piranhas, every possible hint of information will be plastered all over the Internet. Without a doubt, if the script of The Last Jedi somehow got leaked onto the web, more than a dozen different websites would read it and spoil everything just because they can. Madness! Surely we need some patience when it comes to Star Wars details.

To that end, I’ve decided to put together a list of Star Wars stuff that I don’t care about and am not chomping at the bit to learn or see. Keep these spoilers to yourselves, websites!


6. The Old Republic era


SW Dont Care List 02

I don’t just mean the game(s)

Perhaps because I never actually played the original Knights of the Old Republic (I only played the sequel), but I don’t really care about the Old Republic era of Star Wars. I don’t care about Darth Revan or Darth Malak. I don’t care about any of those old Jedi. I don’t care about how the Republic or the Jedi Order changed over the years. Honestly, it’s always kind of bugged me that cosmic society is pretty much identical between the Old Republic era and the Star Wars films. Were there really no technological advancements over the course of 1,000 years?!

Unless we’re going to look into Yoda as a kid first joining the Jedi Order, I don’t care about the Old Republic.


5. The Force as something deeper and more mystical than we already know it to be


SW Dont Care List 03

Get out of Star Wars!

I like the Force. Everybody likes the Force. And it’s pretty simple. There are the Jedi and the good side, and then there are the Sith and the Dark Side. Badda bing, badda boom, you’ve got your Star Wars. But I personally do not care when somebody tells a story that purports to dive deeper into the true meaning of the Force or whatever. Like those Clone Wars episodes where Anakin, Obi-Wan and Asohka traveled to Mortis and met Father and those other weird Force-users who tried to get into all the gobbledegook about Anakin really being the Chosen One. Or the Bendu in Rebels who is a giant monster dude who insists he stands in the middle of the Force, between the light and the dark. No thank you. Don’t try to get all spiritual about the Force with me. I prefer things black and white.


4. Rey’s parents

SW Dont Care List 04

Adult you is much cooler than kid you

 

I don’t care who Rey’s parents are, even if they’re somebody we already know. I don’t care if she’s the daughter of Luke Skywalker or the granddaughter of Obi-Wan Kenobi. I don’t care if she’s the long lost daughter of Emperor Palpatine! I honestly don’t want her to have famous parents. Maybe she’s the daughter of one of Luke’s Jedi students who got slaughtered by Kylo Ren. I might like that. But man, I don’t want her parentage to be dragged out like some big, series-defining mystery. No thank you.

Unless, perhaps, she’s the daughter of Boba Fett. That might be cool.


3. New Stormtrooper or starship variants


SW Dont Care List 05

Why did they need you on Scarif but not Tatooine?

I don’t care about Deathtroopers or Beachtroopers or any of the weird new variations that are being introduced in the new trilogy. Stormtroopers are badass enough, and the New Order armor looks pretty cool. I don’t need a bunch of action figure variants in my Stormtroopers. What purpose did the Deathtroopers or Beachtroopers even serve in Rogue One? Did they accomplish anything that regular Stormtroopers couldn’t? Do we really need to start coming up with fan theories that Deathstroopers were randomly dropped onto Tatooine and killed Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru? Leave’em in the action figure dust bin!

SW Dont Care List 06

Don’t even start

For that matter, I also don’t care about new variations to the classic starships. New TIE Fighters? This one has blade-like wings? Or three wings? Come on! Just stop! And new X-Wing fighters with some fancy blah blah blah that’s different? Yawn! If you’re going to invent new toy-friendly spaceships, invent some new ones! I don’t need another variation on the AT-AT. Give me something new and just as iconic as the Millennium Falcon! Say what you will about the prequels, but the Naboo starfighter was a new and cool design! The new movies need to do something like that to actually impress me!


2. Young Han Solo


SW Dont Care List 07

You poor fools!

They’ve got a whole movie about this coming, and I couldn’t care less. Sure, I’ll see the Han Solo solo film in theaters, but I do not care about it. Han Solo has a perfectly awesome story arc in the original trilogy. We don’t need to see a movie about him having some kind of wacky adventure prior to A New Hope. What’s it going to accomplish? Why does anybody think this is a good idea? Does anybody really think this movie is going to be able to capture the magic of Han Solo? Is any adventure or character arc he had prior to A New Hope ever going to stand up to and be as good or better than his adventure/character arc from the original trilogy? No, of course not. It’s gonna be a space hero movie, with cameos from Lando and Chewie, and that’s it. This movie is going to be fluff and I don’t care one lick.

That being said, I  would actually be OK with a solo movie about Obi-Wan, especially/only if Ewan McGregor came back to play him. I am also totally on board for a solo Boba Fett movie about being the most badass bounty hunter in the galaxy. Why is that movie not being fast-tracked?


1. Anything to do with Snoke


SW Dont Care List 08

Just ugh

I’m going to level with you readers. This is the entry that prompted this list. I just wanted to rant about how little I care about Supreme Leader Snoke. Oh my god, this character is so terrible. Who the hell cares?! First of all, he’s got a STUPID name! Snoke? Come on! Every time Carrie Fisher or Harrison Ford uttered the word “Snoke” in The Force Awakens I snickered. It sounded so stupid. Here are these legendary actors, brought back to replay their most famous roles, arguing about how they failed their son, and they’re forced to keep blaming somebody named “Snoke”. How did no one else see this as ridiculous?

I don’t care about Snoke. I don’t care where he came from. I don’t care if he’s connected to the Force or the Empire. I think the New Order is pretty dumb to begin with, a glaringly obvious retread of the Empire. So I especially don’t care about their aging, scarred leader and his hold over Kylo Ren. There’s nobody he could secretly be that would make him a decent character. He could be Mace Windu and I wouldn’t care. He could be a Palpatine clone and I wouldn’t care. He’s just so dumb.

Kylo Ren and Captain Phasma are potentially interesting villains with some real resonance. But finding out that, after Return of the Jedi, some random new evil old guy showed up and somehow influenced Ben Solo to turn against his family is stupid. I don’t care. I don’t want to read any articles about people freeze-framing The Force Awakens or The Last Jedi to try and prove their theory about Snoke’s identity.

I don’t care about Supreme Leader Snoke and I can’t imagine I ever will.

——————–

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About Sean Ian Mills

Hello, this is Sean, the Henchman-4-Hire! By day I am a mild-mannered newspaper reporter in Central New York, and by the rest of the day I'm a pretty big geek when it comes to video games, comic books, movies, cartoons and more.

Posted on September 13, 2017, in Lists of Six!, Movies, Star Wars. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. 6- I’m not actually that surprised that there wasn’t much change (there’s some but I’m not getting into EU technology) you’ll be surprised how complacent people can get, for example humans have used horses as modes of transportation since 4000 BC, but only invented the saddle around 700 BC, that’s more than 3000 years without someone thinking “Hey, this could use a seat”, when people think they reached a peak it sometimes take a while before realizing that thinks can be improved even more.

    5- While I agree on that the spiritual side of the force and that Mortis stuff is better left aside, and I do think Star Wars is one of those series that works well with a simple good vs. evil, I have no problem with the force being a little deeper that people realize and there being more to the light/dark dichotomy than the Jedi or Sith understand, or at least that there is a dissent in the matter, with people having different opinions and beliefs, just like with real religions.

    Although that’s mostly because I think the “Gray Jedi” are cool as hell.

    4- Agreed, best to get out of that as soon as possible, better if it’s something in her personal character arc but not something important to the big story overall.

    3- I actually like all the different variants of Troopers, it just makes sense that some would have specializations and different armor to suit the environment and situation, a shame it took until Rogue One for them to make an appearance, where regular stormtroopers would have served just fine.

    I do agree about the new ships though, I hate that they’re there to just pander to the nostalgia, hell, is not only about new ships, in TFA they go to do a bombing run in the new death star… and they didn’t bring a single bomber with them, which they exist, have appeared in the movies (the B-Wings) and would have made things much easier, instead they brought X-Wings, because that’s the ship people will recognize.

    2- Agreed, nothing to add here, that is pretty much my opinion too.

    1- How to fix Snoke:

    A) Don’t make him the leader of the New Order, just the leader of its force users, the Knights of Ren, with lots of power but not the big chief, who would be the Supreme Leader then? Easy, THRAWN.

    B) Don’t call him Snoke, call him Darth Ren, that way the “Knights of Ren” will have meaning, there were some EU Jedi that joined the empire, some whose very jobs were convincing other Jedi to turn, say he was one of them and have him choose to follow THRAWN.

    C) Have him appear as the big chief of the First Order at first but then the final scene is him reporting to THRAWN, but with the implication that he has his own agenda, that he will try to take power once the First Order has conquered the galaxy and is just taking orders from him for now because he knows he is the best tactician on the galaxy and his best chance to get to power.

  2. I too kind of groaned at Young Han Solo, but am kind of intrigued to find out more about Young Lando (Donald Glover ftw). They really missed an opportunity to tie into the comics by making Sana Starros a part of the story.

    I too don’t really care about Snoke’s identity or Rey’s parentage, and hate how unpleasant to but not in an interesting way (like the Emperor) he is. Why does that warrant CGI? But I’m optimistic that he has some compelling backstory that Kathleen, Rian and the boys have had a lot of time to think about.

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