Leave it to the craziness of the world to spur my imagination! There I was, dear readers, wondering what sort of List of Six I could write for you this week. I hadn’t even started as of Tuesday morning, but nothing was coming to mind. Maybe a list of bird superheroes? People like birds…But no! Lo and behold, the universe was ready for me! French President Francois Hollande dissolved the French government this week!

And what better way to note the occasion than with a list of the coolest French comic book characters?

Oo la la!

I didn’t even know you could do that to the French government. It’s France! You’d think they’d have their croissants all in a row. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those French-hating Americans. Those guys are idiots. France is a pretty cool place, and was my foreign language of choice all through grade school. And you better believe there are some pretty cool French superheroes and supervillains out there!

Join me after the jump to get a good look at them.

Honorable Mention: Captain France

He kind of looks like a water bottle

Before you ask, yes there is a Captain France. He only exists in the Ultimate Universe, where Captain America was a bigger deal, so the rest of the world just made a bunch of different captains, like Captain Spain and Captain Portugal. He had one scene, one picture, and that was the extent of his existence. I think he likes drinking water.

6. Nightrunner

Those aren’t wings, they’re just really creative art

The Batman of France! Nightrunner is a pretty cool character, and also one mired in controversy, even though he’s appeared in maybe 6 issues total. Nightrunner is Bilal Asselah, a French-Muslim raised in Paris, who fights crime with extreme parkour and athleticism. He became a vigilante amidst protests between the local police and the French-Muslim community. Batman was in town to stop a series of political assassinations, and after getting a look at how Nightrunner operates, Batman offered him funding, equipment and a position in the international Batman Incorporated.

At the time, Batman was big into franchising his schtick.

Nightrunner became controversial when some Republican blowhards raised a stink about how Batman recruited a Muslim to protect France instead of a ‘real’ Frenchmen, because no matter where you go in this world, there will always be blowhards.

5. Grey Gargoyle

He’s big into blue booties

Paul Pierre Duval is a supervillain who didn’t put a lot of effort into his costume. As the Grey Gargoyle, Duval has the rather evil power of turning people to stone with a touch, like a combination of King Midas and Medusa. He turned himself to stone, buuuut then decided to add the blue booties and gloves. Far be it from me to understand how a supervillain’s mind works. Grey Gargoyle has been fighting Thor since the 1960s in a quest for immortality, and pops up every now and then to be a thorn in the side of the Avengers.

The Grey Gargoyle’s most heinous act was turning the entire population of Paris into stone in a battle against Iron Man, but Thor’s dad, Odin, later turned everybody back to normal. I’m sure there’s a mime joke in there somewhere.

4. Crimson Fox

Is ‘brown’ the French word for ‘crimson’?

Have you ever wondered why the Justice League adds the words ‘of America’ at the end of their name? Do heroes like Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman and Martian Manhunter really restrict themselves to just America? Whatever the reason, the rest of the world has stepped up, with teams like Justice League Europe and Justice League Antarctica picking up the slack. Crimson Fox is one of DC’s most famous international superheroes, and by ‘famous’, I mean she’s usually thrown into the background whenever one of the ‘American’ heroes goes international. She has been a member of both Justice League Europe and the Global Guardians.

There have been three different Crimson Foxes over the years. Parisian sisters Constance and Vivian started the role, with the power to control pheromones. The twin sisters would switch up who was in costume on any given adventure, so that they could take a break now and then. Both were eventually brutally murdered, as is the way of all comic books. A third Crimson Fox showed up in more modern adventures, but nobody has bothered to give her a name or a backstory, because she was just a known international character thrown into the background of a Green Lantern comic. Because that’s how it works.

3. Brain and Monsieur Mallah

Every bit as amazing as this picture implies

Comic books, ladies and gentlemen! Only in comics will you find a team-up between a talking gorilla and a disembodied brain in a robotic jar. And they want to take over the world. And they’re also lovers. Man, comics are the best!

Brian and Mallah typically do battle with either the Doom Patrol or the Teen Titans, depending on what comic you’re reading or what cartoon you’re watching. I have no idea of their origins, only that they exist, and shouldn’t that be enough? They were created in the 60s, but only recently did they become such a gloriously silly duo, because we are a people who love ironic nostalgia.

2. Peregrine

En guarde!

Peregrine is the perfect example of a French superhero. Everybody knows about the big name American heroes like Spider-Man, Iron Man or the Fantastic Four, but guys like Peregrine are out there in the rest of the world, doing the exact same thing for far less renown. Alain Racine is just a regular guy who turned himself into a crime fighter, complete with a wing suit that allows him to fly. He’s essentially the Falcon, but French. He hasn’t had much contact with American superheroes, but whenever a hero like Black Widow needs international help, Peregrine is always on hand to welcome them to France.

Stuff happens in France, you guys.

Though Peregrine does have a little name problem. Ostensibly named after the Peregrine Falcon, the fastest bird in the world, the word ‘Peregrine’ does not actually translate to ‘falcon’ or even ‘peregrine falcon’ in France. Over there, the bird is called ‘Le Faucon Pèlerin’. I guess this French guy just wanted to name himself after an English term.

1. Batroc ze Leaper

He takes great joy in his work

Zut alors! Batroc! There is no one in comics more gloriously French than Batroc, the mustache-twirling mercenary who is either a laughing stock or a supreme combatant, depending on the comic. Batroc is an international ass-kicker known for his mastery of savate, the French kickboxing martial art. Batroc owns savate, and it has helped him hold his own against Captain America in the past. He’s incredibly strong and agile, but not superhuman, and he looks great in pink and yellow!

Most of the time, Batroc is a joke character. He founded Batroc’s Brigade, a team of equally hilarious international mercenaries, and mostly spent his time in the comics being silly. But a new, modern appreciation for Batroc has come about, treating him more like a serious merc with some pretty deadly skills. At least he hasn’t ditched the pink and yellow though.

Oh, and how cool was his cameo in Captain America: The Winter Soldier?

Ditching the mustache was a good idea. Keeping the pink and yellow was an even better idea!

That was just incredibly badass! The screenwriters changed him to Algerian through, possibly not to upset French people, maybe? Would they be easily offended by their greatest supervillain actually getting to appear in the Marvel Movieverse? Batroc should be a national treasure!

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