Welcome to my World War Z review! I saw the movie on a whim Saturday night and enjoyed it. But I wasn’t planning to see it, so I also wasn’t planning to write a full review like I normally do. That being the case, I’ve decided to do something a little different. Instead of a typically thorough review of the film, I’m instead going to present ‘The Do’s and Don’t’s of World War Z’.

Otherwise known as ‘How to Survive at the Brad Pitt School of Zombie Survival’.

Don’t get bit!

Are zombies creeping all up in your neighborhood? Does a horde of violent, fast-moving undead threaten to bite you out of house and home? Is the entire world completely overrun by nasty ghouls with sharp, pointy teeth? Then you’ve come to the right place! Welcome to the Brad Pitt School of Zombie Survival! Here you will learn all of the necessary Do’s and Don’t’s of how to survive in a worldwide zombie apocalypse.

There will be SPOILERS! And zombies.

Do

Save Your Family – They’re cute, they’re adorable, and you probably have a soft spot for them, so go ahead and save your family. Wife, kids, the whole lot. They can be very helpful when it comes to carrying important items like flares or bullets, and sometimes might even give the zombies something else to chase. Ha, we’re just kidding. You wouldn’t want to do that to your daughter, no matter how much of a sad-faced crybaby she can be. There is no crying in the zombie apocalypse.

Children also make good torso shields

Don’t

Leave your RV Unattended – Transportation is key in a zombie apocalypse. Movement is life. So if you score a sweet, giant RV with massive horde-smashing power, don’t foolishly leave it unattended in a supermarket parking lot or any other open location where there are dozens of scared, violent and heartless people. Seriously, people suck, and they will totally steal your RV.

Do

Give Weapons to Kids – Just because they’re tiny and weak, and sometimes have asthma, doesn’t mean kids can’t pull a trigger. Go ahead and hand them a weapon or two. You never know when that lovable rugamuffin you befriended might come along and save your life with a well-placed headshot. And if that happens, go right ahead and adopt him. His dad’s probably a zombie by now anyway. Though keep in mind, in about 10 years, if everyone survives, he’s probably going to sleep with your youngest daughter.

Don’t

Forget to Bring a Helicopter – Seriously, those come in really, really handy.

Although don’t let zombies fly your helicopter

Do

Bring Along Heavily Armed SEALS – We know not everybody is an expert marksman and can get a zombie headshot with every pull of the trigger.If that’s the case, then bring along some heavily armed Navy SEALS wherever you go. On a top secret mission to South Korea to learn the truth about the zombie plague? Bring SEALS! Need to make an emergency refueling of your plane in the pouring rain? Bring SEALS! Though keep in mind, Navy SEALS can be bit just like anybody else. Probably more so than anybody else, really. Zombies sure do love munching on Navy SEALS.

Don’t

Give the Most Important Man in the World a Gun – It’s a good idea to give guns to kids, and make sure your Navy SEALS are heavily armed. But if you’re hanging out with the world’s last remaining super scientist, the one man left alive who might be able to create a cure, don’t give him a handgun. Simply don’t do it. He might do something foolish like hold his finger on the trigger even when he’s at rest. Or slip on a puddle and blow his own brains out. It could happen, and then the whole world is screwed.

Do

Turn Off Your Cell Phone – This should be a no brainer, people. But sometimes this lesson needs to be underlined. If you’re about to sneak through a zombie-infested area under cover of darkness, turn off your cell phone. Even if your wife is the only one who calls you, chances are that she is going to get really lonely and need to hear the sound of your voice at the exact same moment you’re trying to be sneaky. When a cell phone starts ringing, you better believe zombies are going to answer.

Always use landlines, they do still exist

Don’t

Call Your Husband in the Middle of a Dangerous Mission – Honestly, just don’t do it. We know you miss him. We know you’re really stressed out. But he’s the one on the dangerous, zombie-filled mission. You’re just lying in your bunk with your daughter, not a care in the world. Let him call you. It’s just safer that way. Don’t make us take the phone away from you.

Do

See the Sights While You Still Can – Here’s something you may not know about zombies: they don’t eat national monuments. The Seven Wonders of the World don’t matter to the zombies. So if you get the chance, by all means, take in the sights. Take a stroll through the National Mall. Check out Mount Rushmore. And you know what the Great Wall of China will be good for in the zombie apocalypse? Keeping out zombies.

Beautiful, historic Jerusalem

Don’t

Sing – There’s no singing in the zombie apocalypse. Even if you’ve got a jaunty tune in your heart, and you need to sing out loud, this isn’t your shower. This is the zombie apocalypse. No singing.

Do

Get Yourself a Plucky Sidekick – Look at the people around you. Yes, they can be loud, annoying and smelly, but anyone of them might have what it takes to become a sidekick. You’re going to need somebody to emotionally bond with in the zombie apocalypse. It’s only human nature. Plus it’s always best to have somebody to watch your back or help you limp along when you’ve been hurt in the leg. It’s basic survival. So get yourself a sidekick. Female is always good, and it helps if they have some skill with firearms. You may need to chop off a hand or two, but only in extreme circumstances. Just tell her it builds character.

Though pouting does not build character

Don’t

Get Yourself a Cowardly Pilot – If you don’t know how to fly a plane, you’re going to need to find somebody who can fly a plane. And it would help if he had his own plane. Your pilot is going to need to be brave. If he books out at the first sign of trouble – and takes his plane with him – he’s no good to you. So make sure your pilot has some cojones. If your sidekick is a pilot, even better!

Do

Fly – Statistically, flying is the safest way to travel. And, good news, zombies usually can’t fly. So win/win!

Don’t

Bring Zombies On Your Plane – We just said that zombies can’t fly. So why would you bring zombies on your airplane? That’s stupid! Don’t be stupid!

What were you thinking!?

Do

Throw Grenades on Planes – OK, OK, OK, so you brought zombies along on your airplane, like an idiot. How do you get rid of them? Explosive decompression, of course! When it comes to airplanes at 20,000 feet in the sky, explosive decompression solves everything. It works on both snakes and zombies. In order to achieve explosive decompression, use real explosives. Just chuck a hand grenade right into the swarm of hungry zombies and blow them all out of the plane. Just make sure you and your sidekick are buckled into your seats, or you’ll get sucked out as well. Unfortunately, explosive decompression cannot tell the difference between the living and the undead, or luggage, for that matter.

Don’t

Use Suitcases as Barricades – If you’re not willing to sacrifice the entire plane for a little explosive decompression, you need to know that piling suitcases and other luggage into the rows is not a strong enough barricade against zombies. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but zombies aren’t going to be slowed down by a hastily slapped together suitcase wall. It’s just not happening.

Do

Wear Armor – Zombies bite people. It’s in their nature. It’s kind of their thing. So if you’re going to go into a zombie-infested area for whatever reason, wear some armor. Wrap a magazine around your forearm, or use some medical padding. Try a bullet proof vest. Or maybe even a full-bodied, medieval suit of metal knight armor. If it keeps zombies’ teeth from infecting you, isn’t it worth it? If they can’t reach the skin, that’s a win.

Don’t

Kill Zombies – It makes the others more aggressive. It’s true.

Do

Infect Yourself With Deadly Diseases – The only surefire way to protect yourself from the zombie horde is to infect yourself from the zombie horde. According to the Brad Pitt School of Zombie Survival, zombies hate eating sick and old people. They just won’t do it. So if you are sick and old, good for you. The world finally threw you a bone. But if you’re young and healthy, like Brad Pitt, just inject yourself with a lethal strain of the Bubonic Plague. Then you’ll be totally safe!

Don’t

Miss a Chance for  Nice, Refreshing Pepsi – Everybody deserves a break, even in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. So if you can spare a minute during your attempted escape from the zombie hordes, take the time to break open a Pepsi vending machine and enjoy a nice, cold, refreshing Pepsi. It’s not like currency is going to matter anymore. Or that the vending machine guy is going to come by and give you any grief. The zombie apocalypse will be a Pepsi free-for-all, man! So enjoy!

Tastes even better warm

This has been your first lesson in Brad Pitt’s School for Zombie Survival. Come back next time, when we’ll discuss how to introduce your wife to your cute, plucky, lady sidekick, and how not to put too much faith in bicycles. Thank you for your time and attention!