I saw G.I. Joe: Retaliation this past weekend, and I rather enjoyed it. The film had a lot of great action, a good story and some fantastic characters. And that’s half the fun of G.I. Joe, right? Awesome characters? Or maybe they’re the other half of the battle…Anyway, if you were a kid in the 80s like me, then G.I. Joe was one of the coolest cartoon/toy combinations available. There were dozens, if not hundreds, of unique, individual characters, each with their own awesome style. Not to mention amazing vehicles, playsets and more. Does anybody else remember the Rolling Thunder?

Hells yeah, you do!

The Joes have a deep bench of characters, which might explain why the cast in G.I. Joe: Retaliation is almost completely different than in the first Joe movie (with the exception of Snake Eyes, of course, who we all know is the best G.I. Joe). Or maybe they just wanted to distance themselves from The Rise of Cobra. Either way, we can almost guarantee there’s going to be a threequel, which means more Joes! Here are the six classic G.I. Joes that I think would be great for the big screen.

6. Blowtorch

Joes love fire

When it comes to the different G.I. Joes, they don’t get very complicated. You’ve got the ninja, the leader, the demolitions expert, the scuba diving guy, the medic, and so on and so forth, everyone defined by their specific skill and role in the team. Then you’ve got Blowtorch, the flamethrower guy. But Blowtorch is not just the flamethrower guy. He’s the guy whose flamethrower skills are so apocalyptic that he has to wear a fireproof suit of armor, because Blowtorch is going to burn down everything in his path! Who better to have in a firefight than a guy who literally shoots fire? Blowtorch could be the crazy one on the team, always playing with matches and just waiting for his chance to ignite some Cobra goons.

5. Beach Head

Surprisingly hates sand

Beach Head is a contradiction. He has a full face mask, but he’s not a ninja! What’s up with that? It confused the hell out of me as a kid. I guess he doesn’t really have a reason for wearing the mask, but it’s a distinct and unique look. And if you’re going to fill your G.I. Joe squad with more generic soldiers like Flint, why not give them something unique to set them apart? Beach Head’s character is that he’s a hard ass stickler who always plays by the rules. Again, that’s something unique and personable to add to the film. They want their characters to be distinct, right? Plus there can be more awkward scenes like when Snake Eyes refused to take off his mask, whether he was in prison shackles or receiving a medal from the President. When it comes to the G.I. Joes, the masks stay on!

4. Lifeline

Much better than Doc

Every good team needs a medic, so why not the guy dressed in the bright red jumpsuit? When you’ve got a squad of super awesome soldiers, adding a medic to the mix is just solid storytelling. It gives you a reason for adding a new character, and Lifeline would have a new and unique role on the team. Add the fact that Lifeline is something of a pacifist who doesn’t like to use guns and you’ve got the makings of a very interesting character. He’s a doctor, so he can do no harm, but what’s he going to do in the middle of a firefight against Cobra? Get creative, of course! Maybe Lifeline is a master of Judo who can take out his opponents without actually harming them. Or maybe he shoots a Cobra agent then immediately starts repairing the guy’s wounds. If nothing else, he’ll be on hand to revive the franchise when it starts dying.

3. Shipwreck

You wish you had a pet parrot

Every movie could be improved by a salty sea dog character. Shipwreck would be perfect for a cameo role in any G.I. Joe film. All you need is a scene where the Joes need to get on a boat, and boom, there’s Shipwreck at the helm, ferrying them wherever they need to go with his New England accent and his salty sea lingo. Arrr, me mateys! Shipwreck is also handy in a fight, so why not have a big action scene take place on a boat in the middle of the ocean? Or going down river? Or on some canal or inlet? But Shipwreck is not just the Aquaman of the G.I. Joes, he’s also got a great fashion sense, a pet parrot and a magnificent beard. He sounds like an action hero to me.

2. Bazooka

What’s in a name?

This should be self explanatory. I shouldn’t even have to convince you why Bazooka needs to be in the next G.I. Joe movie. Did you see his name? It needs to be taken literally. What about his shirt? And that mustache!? I mean, come on! Bazooka had to have been Michael Bay’s favorite G.I. Joe. He is a character who exists to blow things up, and accomplishes this by carrying the bazooka around with him like it was his precious or something. Get this guy in the next movie, pronto!

1. Chuckles

The shirt of a true spy

Fans of the classic G.I. Joe cartoon might not remember Chuckles, since he only ever appeared in the animated G.I. Joe: The Movie, and even then he was just a big, strong silent guy. Chuckles is probably most recognizable in toy form as the character in the flashy Hawaiian shirt, which is not the most ideal of military uniforms. Chuckles may have been wasted in the cartoon, but in the comics he has been spectacular. Chuckles is the G.I. Joe’s chief spy, whose mission is to infiltrate Cobra and be the Joe’s mole on the inside. How cool is that? Did you even know that G.I. Joe had a mole inside Cobra? But it’s not easy hiding among that pit of deadly vipers. In the comics, Chuckles has been through some serious hell in order to protect his cover, including killing other Joes. That could lead to some pretty intense drama on the big screen, not to mention a fun twist when one of the Cobra guys suddenly betrays them, and the Rock reveals that Chuckles has been working for G.I. Joe the entire time. Then they’re probably hug it out or something. Everybody likes a good twist.

Those are my choices, what about yours? I know I can’t be the only one who played with G.I. Joe action figures as a kid. Who were your favorite Joes? And who do you think would be great on the big screen? What about Cobra members? I thought about picking 6 Cobra agents to appear in the next film, but the only one I could think of was Croc Master!

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