My 6 Most Hated Movies of All Time (This Week)
I am a fan of films. I’m not scholar or academic on the subject, but I love watching movies. I’ve seen good movies, I’ve seen bad movies, I’ve seen poorly made movies and I’ve seen great movies. Some movies are my favorite, but I’ve already done that list. So now it’s time to share with you all the worst movies I have ever seen.
Although first, I need to set the standard. These aren’t necessarily all bad movies. In fact, there are some films on this list that you might love. And some on this list that are veritable works of art. But to me, they are terrible movies. Either they’re poorly made or I just don’t get them, I hated them for one reason or another, and still do. These aren’t the worst, most poorly made movies I’ve ever seen. These are my least favorite, these movies are stinky doo-doo pants. Though the list is subject to change.
And I’d love to hear your least favorite movies of all time in the comments!
6. Jeepers Creepers
I have never been more enraged walking out of a movie theater than when I went to see Jeepers Creepers. But it wasn’t the movie as a whole that angered me, it was the ending. I actually liked the start of the movie. A young brother and sister are driving through the countryside when they see a creepy man at his creepy house tossing something down a hole. He sees them and gives chase, leading to a fairly creepy opening as the brother and sister are hounded by this spooky bastard. But then the movie just evolves into something stupid. The spooky man turns out to be some kind of ancient demon who assumes human form every few decades to feed. And then the film ends when he kidnaps the brother and feeds on him. That’s it. The ending infuriated me. I understand happy endings aren’t expected in every movie, but to just end by killing the brother and calling it a day? Ugh, I just hated it.
5. The House Bunny
To most, this Anna Faris-vehicle has probably faded from memory. It was a silly little comedy mixing Playboy with college sororities…kind of. In the most PG-13 way possible, at least. It also starred Colin Hanks! So at least there’s that. The story is that a Playboy bunny flunked out of the Playboy Mansion and got a job as a house mom for the loser sorority on campus. Then through the power of fashion, she transformed all those nerdy nobodies into hot honeys. You would think this movie was completely innocent and lame. But you’d be wrong. I hate this movie because the message it sends is that the girls weren’t good enough how they were. It’s only after they’re hip to the latest fashion trends that they’re worth a damn. And you’d think that the lesson would reverse itself by the end, but it doesn’t! Only cute, successful, popular girls succeed. You want to be a geek girl? Then go to hell, according to The House Bunny.
4. Superman Returns
Superman Returns is the worst superhero movie I have ever seen, and yes, I’ve seen Superman III, Superman IV and Batman & Robin. But this is what I meant before about bad movies and badly made movies. There are a lot of reasons to hate Batman & Robin. But its badness has become such a cultural touchstone, the movie kind of just washes off me like water on a duck. Superman Returns is the kind of bad that sticks with you, the kind of failure that completely torches the entire franchise and disappoints on every conceivable level. I was excited to see Superman Returns. The new age of quality superhero movies was well on its way. Batman Begins had come out the previous year, and now it was Superman’s turn to be just as good. But director Bryan Singer utterly failed.
The problem with Superman Returns is that it wasn’t its own movie. Instead, Bryan Singer made a love letter to the original Superman films of the 70s and 80s. In fact, Superman Returns is supposed to be viewed as a direct sequel to Superman II. This was a dumb move. The villain, Lex Luthor, is stuck playing a version of the old crummy Luthor who is obsessed with land deals, for some reason. Jimmy Olsen is a twerp. And actor Brandon Routh got the job of playing Superman almost entirely because he looked like original Superman actor Christopher Reeve. None of the actors get to create their own, modern version of their characters, they’re all just imitating the old actors and characters.
And the film’s plot is that Superman knocked up Lois Lane, fled for five years so that she had to raise the kid alone, and then in the end, once everyone knows that the boy is Superman’s son and he has super-powers, Superman decides to continue to have nothing to do with them. Superman Returns is all about how Superman is a deadbeat dad.
3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
I liked the first Transformers movie. I thought the human characters were well done and entertaining, I thought the overall story was a good adaptation of the old cartoon, and I especially enjoyed the sharp, precise military action. I got a real sense of the power and magnitude of the U.S. Military and how it might, reasonably, respond to such a crisis. I also liked how the human ‘villains’ weren’t really villains, and by the time everyone gathered at the Hoover Dam for the climax, the spooky, Men in Black characters you were supposed to hate were revealed to be as much good guys as everyone else. In fact, the only thing I thought was done poorly in the first Transformers movie were the Transformers themselves. None of the robots were fleshed out into actual characters, and none of them had any real meaningful interactions with the human characters. I assume the only reason Bumblebee couldn’t talk was so that the writers wouldn’t have to come up with anything meaningful for him to say to star Shia LaBeouf. He already had one robotic love interest, he didn’t need another. There was no connection between the robots and the humans. Still, I liked the movie. So what the heck went wrong in the sequel?
There was just too much crap going on in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It was like director Michael Bay had turned every single dial he had up to 11 and gave up any sense of subtlety. The characters are worse, the Transformers have even less to do, the story is bogus and filled with plot holes, and all the new Transformers are just terrible, from the racist twins to the old man jet to the twerpy little annoying-bot that humps Megan Fox’s leg. The villains are just as bad. At least in the first one, you could recognize that one of the villains is a tank, and the other one is the helicopter from the beginning of the film, so of course the soldiers want revenge against him. This time around, they don’t even bother to give most of the villains a vehicle form. It’s just generic, shapeless Decepticons raining down from the sky.
And the finale is the worst part. It’s nearly a straight hour of mindless, pointless, senseless shooting in the desert. None of the villains stand out. None of the heroes stand out. And the military machine that I really enjoyed in the first one is overblown times a thousand. It’s no longer a sharp, precise display of military prowess. Instead it’s just endless stock footage of soldiers running around or military vehicles doing something. There’s no sense of space or time. It’s just shot after shot of the military doing stuff, not even necessarily shooting at the bad guys. It was overbloated to no end. The whole movie was.
Though I will say, there was one good scene in that entire film, and, oddly enough, it involved Shia’s parents. In the middle of the big, climactic ending, when it’s up to Shia to save the entire goddamn world, the Decepticons bring his parents onto the battlefield to slow him down. And sure, they’ve mostly been comic relief up to this point, but they’re still his parents, and they don’t know what’s going on. So in that moment, Shia’s dad steps up to be a dad to try and keep his son out of danger. Then Shia has to explain to his parents why he has to do this, how the fate of the entire world rests on him in that moment. But even then, his dad can’t put aside the need to protect his son. It’s a powerful moment, or at least I thought so. It’s not often that our movie heroes actually have parents. Batman, Spider-Man, Harry Potter and many others are all orphans. Of course, that being said, the parents go right back to being comedic relief in the third film…
2. A Serious Man
I have come to a very sad realization about myself: I just don’t get Coen Brothers movies. The duo are hailed as some of the greatest filmmakers of all time, with their movies constantly rank among the most critically beloved. But I just don’t get them. I rarely even like them. There are some gems that I enjoy, like O Brother, Where Art Thou? or The Big Lebowski, but I just don’t enjoy some of their more notable films, like Fargo or No Country For Old Men. I think the films just go shooting straight over my head. Which brings us to A Serious Man, their 2009 film about a Jewish father dealing with the various struggles in his personal and professional lives. I think it was a take on the Bible story of Job, right? I just did not get this movie. I didn’t think it was funny, I didn’t get the point, and it was just a boring, horrible experience. But critics loved it! I thought I would like it,which is why I watched it in the first place. But the movie was just too dry and senseless for my feeble mind to grasp, I guess.
1. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
I watched this film in the theaters. Ugh. This is, quite possibly, the dumbest, worst movie ever made, and it easily tops my list of the worst movies I have ever seen. It’s a meandering, poorly edited, poorly filmed attempt at an action movie. The transitions from scene to scene make no sense, they simply fail to tell a coherent story. A story slowly emerges over the course of the film, about a corrupt government agent and the two super spies who team up to stop him, but this film is literally put together in a bad way. There are explosions and shootouts and a big climactic fight scene, but it’s all nonsense. Pure, unadulterated nonsense.
And it’s not just a lousy film. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, has got to be the worst movie title in the history of cinema. First of all, it treats the characters Ecks and Sever as if they are important enough that they should be in the title, but these characters have never appeared outside of this movie. Why not just call the film ‘Ballistic’? Second, the title is a lie! Ecks and Sever are only opponents for maybe five minutes of the film before they team up against the real bad guy. This is a movie that’s so bad even the title is crap.
It should be no surprise that Ballstic: Ecks vs. Sever has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Who knew that was even possible?