Captain America. Thor. Iron Man. The Incredible Hulk. Heroes, champions, Avengers! When the new movie hits in 2012, we are going to get one superhero-packed adventure of pure awesome. I’m not even being hyperbolic. Marvel Studios has done the impossible, creating a whole series of movies to introduce audiences to their characters, then they’ll bring them together to star in the biggest movie yet with The Avengers! Who could have predicted that Iron Man would be such a hit? Or that Thor and Captain America would be so good? Everything is set for the superhero movie to end all superhero movies.

But not all Avengers are cool enough to make the cut.

The dream team

The Avengers comic book has been ongoing since the 60s, and the team we’re getting in next year’s movie is only a small fraction of the different superheroes who have been Avengers in the comics. Sure, guys like Captain America and Iron Man are the backbone of the Avengers. But what about the nobodies you’ve never heard of? What about the grunts and the cannon fodder who at one point in time were part of the team, but won’t be making the cut for the movie?

Well allow me to introduce you to 6 of the lamest superheroes to ever call themselves Avengers, but who aren’t about to grace the silver screen anytime soon.

6. Jack of Hearts – Because playing cards are cool now.

Real men wear hearts

Believe it or not, Jack of Hearts is actually a cosmic space hero. He’s the son of a scientist and an alien, because getting with a hot alien babe is every scientist’s dream. Somehow a combination of his alien heritage and a fuel his father invented called Zero Fluid gave Jack his various powers, and colored half his body bluish black. He designed his costume and named himself ‘Jack of Hearts’ after his father’s love of playing cards, because why the hell not? He started out trying to avenge his father’s murder, then became a straight up superhero.

Eventually Jack went into space to visit his mother’s planet, and helped reignite their sun. Then he hung out in space for awhile, hanging out with guys like the Silver Surfer. His membership in the Avengers happened fairly recently, I think. He’d been kicking around in the back of the Marvel Universe for awhile, then the new writer decided to bring Jack aboard for some reason. Possibly because he looked cool. But this didn’t last long. Jack was one of the first to go (i.e. die) when new and still current Avengers writer Brian Michael Bendis came aboard and cleaned house.

———————————–

5. Lionheart– The poor man’s Captain Britain.

Something about British women really appeals to me

Captain Britain is a longtime hero from Marvel, sort of like Captain America, but with a lot of mystical stuff attached to him. Well in 2004, hated comic book scribe Chuck Austen was writing the Avengers, and he decided to create a new Captain Britain. Enter Kelsey Leigh, a single mom who had a chip on her shoulder. She ended up dying when she jumped in to help Captain America during a super brawl, but instead of heaven, she found herself on the mystical plain, where she became the new Captain Britain.

For maybe a dozen issues.

Lionheart, as she came to be known, was another casualty of Bendis taking over. He changed the Avengers from the usual rabble of B and C-list heroes to more popular characters, like Spider-Man and Wolverine. Besides, everybody hated Chuck Austen anyway for what he did to the X-Men. Lionheart never had a chance. She showed up again in another series as a villain, until the good guys straightened her out. She quickly disappeared after that, lost and forgotten, as the normal Captain Britain took over again.

———————————–

4. Swordsman – He has swords!

That's...a lot of pink

Superheroes don’t necessarily need super powers. As Batman has taught us, all it takes is skill and a costume. Hence the Swordsman, a guy whose only claim to fame is that he’s pretty damn good with a sword. So good, apparently, that he became a member of the Avengers even after first being a super-villain! Jacques Duquesne started out as a villain and a thief, and was one of the men who trained the Avenger Hawkeye (who will appear in the movie). But Hawkeye turned down Swordsman’s offer to join him in thievery.

Swordsman tried to join the Avengers three times. The first time, he got rejected because Hawkeye didn’t like him. The second time he was accepted, but he was working as a double agent for the Mandarin. He had a change of heart at the last minute and spared the team, but he still went on to be a super-villain for awhile. Swordsman finally joined the the team for good the third time all because of a woman…only to be killed in action. At least he sacrificed himself for the woman he loved. That’s got to count for something.

———————————–

3. Triathlon – With the strength of 3 men!

Heaven help him if you ever runs into someone with the strength of 4 men

I’m pretty sure Triathlon was accepted into the Avengers as a minority hire, to make them look good in the face of bad publicity. At least that’s what it says in his official bio at Marvel.com. Apparently Delroy Garrett Jr. was given his powers through a blatant Church of Scientology knock-off group known as the Triune Understanding. He was a sprinter who got busted for steroid use, then joined the Understanding to find a new direction in life. The bad guys of Triune gave him his super powers, which essentially granted him the strength and stamina of three men. Seriously.

“Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two; excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.”

There’s some convoluted back story involving another old superhero known as the 3-D Man, and something to do with cosmic shards of power. But let’s ignore all of that, because it just doesn’t matter. When Traithlon was an Avenger, he was just a guy with the strength, speed and stamina of three men. That’s not about to earn him a spot in the movie, even if the only black hero so far is Samuel L. Jackson.

———————————–

2. Demolition Man – The superhero hobo!

Daredelverine?

Not only is D-Man a crazy hobo, but he was also once a professional wrestler! Hailing from Nebraska, Dennis Dunphy got his powers thanks to super-villain the Power Broker, whose gimmick is that he gives people powers. D-Man used his super strength to compete in the Unlimited Class Wrestling Federation, because if professional wrestling has anything, it has unlimited class. Dunphy had a few run-ins with the Thing, and eventually teamed up with Captain America to investigate the Power Broker.

Mostly D-Man has been on the fringes of a partnership with Cap, joining him on a new version of the Avengers when Captain America rejected a greedy, corporate America and just became The Captain. After a period of time where he was lost among the Eskimos, D-Man eventually returned to New York City and was sort of, kind of a member of the Avengers. Mostly he lived in the sewers, taking care of a group of homeless folk called the Zero People. D-Man also eventually went really crazy, convinced that he was part of some grand, cosmic mission, when really he was just stealing jewelry.

Most recently, he won a pie eating contest at an Avengers picnic.

———————————–

1. Doctor Druid – The lamest Avenger of all time!

He does house calls, and anything else you might want, really.

Believe it or not, in Marvel continuity, Doctor Druid actually predates the Fantastic Four. Created by Stan Lee himself in 1961, Druid was an occult investigator who gained mystical powers from the Ancient One, the same guy who taught Doctor Strange. Dr. Anthony Ludgate Druid was eventually revived and given the silly red jumpsuit and blue cloak to join the Avengers. Because if you can’t get Doctor Strange, I guess you go for his non-union, Mexican equivalent.

Druid didn’t last long, because he was soon bewitched by some cosmic entity. She enslaved Druid with mind-control, and had him use his powers to enslave the Avengers as well. Druid had the team elect him chairman, because the only way he was going to be elected leader was through evil mind-control. He eventually broke free of the villain, but left the team in disgrace. He hung around the superhero fringes, eventually ditching the costume and changing his name to just ‘Druid’.

Because clearly he ‘Doctor’ part was the problem.

Eventually Druid became too big for his britches, and he went mad in an effort to gain more power and followers. He then got himself killed in a battle with the Son of Satan. And Doctor Druid has managed to be one of those superheroes who actually stays dead.

———————————–

So what do you think? Did I leave anyone out? Or was I entirely wrong? Is this the ideal team for the movie? Let me know in the comments!