The new Teen Titans series just isn’t clicking with me. I loved the first issue, but it’s been downhill ever since. The antagonist is hyped beyond credibility and the heroes, though individually fun to read, are saddled with some less than stellar dialogue. Issue #3 continues the downward spiral for a story that’s all over the place, features some fairly odd moments and finally introduces us to every member of the team – though they’re not a team yet. I think part of the problem is that I might be expecting a different sort of comic.

Teen Titans #3

I think I want a serious Teen Titans comic, whereas we’re getting a light and fluffy tale.

Comic rating: 2/5: bad.

Teen Titans is bright, fun and cheerful. The characters are peppy, especially newly introduced Bunker, and they literally seem to be bouncing all over the place and against each other with energy and excitement. But that’s just not clicking with me. I’m not enjoying it. The comic isn’t solidifying into a good story yet. It’s stretched too thin, in my opinion. Writer Scott Lobdell telling a harmless story about harmless characters who are not in any real danger, yet can’t stop talking about what danger they [i]think[/i] they’re in. As I said in my review of issue #2, the antagonist organization N.O.W.H.E.R.E. is just too ridiculous at this point, and the character just can’t stop talking about N.O.W.H.E.R.E.

I think what this book is missing is heart. Where’s Ma-Ti of Captain Planet when you need him? Spoilers to follow.

Teen Titans is all style and no substance. I want to see some meaningful interactions between the Titans, but we’re still in madcap team-gathering mode. Everyone’s constantly on the move and can’t stand still long enough to have a deep conversation with one another – Kid Flash especially. The scene last issue where Wonder Girl had to put Red Robin on her couch for the night was a good start, but it was hampered by poor dialogue and a slight lack of context. We’d only just met Wonder Girl and just in that moment learned that she lived alone in some random house somewhere. Having a boy crash on her couch lacked any of the real substance that might mean. But there was the tiniest bitch of tension between them, and that’s what I want to read.

Teen Titans, moreso than most books on the stand, should be about its characters hanging out together. I would like to see a better focus on the friendship and family that comes with being on the Teen Titans. Right now they’re just characters who are appearing together because that’s how the writer and DC comics planned it. These specific characters are meeting each other because these are the specific characters who were chosen/created for this book.

Teen Titans #3 lacks depth, and that’s why I don’t like it. But maybe it’s not going for depth. Far be it for me to deny that I might be the one with the problem, not the book. Maybe this flashy, colorful superhero adventure is all Lobdell and DC want, and maybe it’s entertaining a lot of people.

But even then, I don’t think it’s very good.

Lady, you've got a little something...everywhere

We open with Kid Flash and Solstice escaping the N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility – which we learn is in Antarctica. Really? Are you kidding me? Just last issue I was complaining about how, apparently, N.O.W.H.E.R.E. has more authority than the United Nations and the CIA combined. Now they’re just so damn badass and evil that their base is in Antarctica! That’s almost worse than being based inside an active volcano.

Kid Flash found Solstice – who has some inky/smoky/shadowy black energy power – because he randomly looked into her cell when he was escaping from his own. That’s what I mean by these characters just happen to be appearing together. There weren’t any other cells in that facility? Kid Flash just randomly finds Solstice because Lobdell needed a way to get her into the book. Simple as that. Well she’s freaking out because her powers are causing her body to go nuts, but Kid Flash isn’t about to leave her behind. So he uses his super speed to help their escape.

I have to admit, the two-page spread of their escape is just plain cool.

Thankfully it's numbered for those of us who don't count good

Now that’s a neat way to show super speed. It’s like Billy from Family Circus on speed. I’m sure you all just saw what I did there.

Anyway, the duo make their escape and Kid Flash figures out that they’re in Antarctica. Again, lame. He’s speeding across the ice, and Solstice worries that he might not have any traction in his sneakers. So…oops.

Chicks love it when you drop them on their ass

In Los Angeles, Wonder Girl posing as a nurse – Hellooooooo, nurse! – so that she can sneak into the hospital where one of the three mercenary brothers is recovering. Their (his?) name is Thrice. She reveals that the three brothers have been taken to different hospitals in different states, so they can’t use their powers. She’s going to interrogate this one to get information on N.O.W.H.E.R.E. even though she told Red Robin last issue that she didn’t want anything to do with the fight.

I have to ask, who sent the brothers to hospitals in three different states? Thrice was working for N.O.W.H.E.R.E., so I can’t imagine they did it. And if the brothers didn’t tell anyone they had super powers that worked in unison, who would know to spread them so far apart? Or did writer Lobdell just need an excuse for why the teleporting character he invented couldn’t just teleport out of this situation. I’m thinking the last one.

I assume that whoever decided she would be wearing pants instead of a mini-skirt has since been fired

Also in this issue, we get to meet new character Bunker!

I assume he tested well with focus groups

Original character Miguel Jose Barragan makes his debut appearance in this issue. He received a bit of publicity beforehand because he’s openly gay. But it doesn’t come up in this issue and it doesn’t impact anything about the issue. Kudos on just making it a part of his character and not having Bunker announce it at the end of every speech bubble. Instead, he’s just a happy-go-lucky guy in designer clothing who just happens to be riding the rails by sneaking onto a freight car like a hobo. Really? Why? He never actually explains why he’s riding the rails despite being dressed as if he would die without the latest fashion trneds. At one point he explains that maybe he’s just being a free-spirit, or maybe his dad owns the railroads, but those answers just sound like he’s trying to cover for something.

Speaking of hobos.

The glasses, the fauxhawk, the hipsterish clothes...it's creepy

Miguel just happens to jump onto the same freight train where Red Robin – dressed in that elaborate hobo disguise – is transporting Skittles across the country. Skittles – or if you prefer her real name, ‘Skitter’ – has cocooned herself to the ceiling of the train car for reason that are relatively unexplained. So not only does Bunker just happen to pick the same train car that Red Robin is riding – a point that Red Robin himself makes – but Red Robin is also able to correctly guess that Miguel is the meta-human Bunker. Robin saw Bunker, in costume, get arrested on the news back in Teen Titans #1. It said Bunker escaped, though, and I guess he’s been on the run ever since. The coincidence of the two of them bumping into each other in the same freight train car is one hell of a coincidence.

And another thing, what the hell is Red Robin doing transporting the cocooned Skittles via freight train? For that matter, why is he sneaking into a freight car and creating an elaborate hobo disguise? It’s not like he hides the cocoon. It’s just there for any idiot to see if they just so happen to wander onto the same freight car.

No offense Miguel.

"None taken, Sean," I assume he would reply

Robin didn’t think to lock the freight train door? Or use some gadget to lock it? I know that Tim Drake is operating rather independently, but Batman #1 in the post-reboot world clearly showed that he’s still a valued member of the Bat-family. So will all of the resources of Batman Inc. at his disposal, Tim illegally carries his dangerous meta-human Skittles onto a public freight train? At one point he said he’s doing it to “avoid any further complications.” I would think a Wayne Enterprises private jet, or a Wayne Enterprises private railroad, or a Wayne Enterprises moving van would be much lower profile. And where’s he taking her? The comic indicates that the train is passing through ‘The Badlands’, which is someone vaguely east of where he found Skittles in California. So where are they going? Is Robin expecting to ride the rails all the way to Gotham City on the East Coast?

What I’m saying is that none of this makes any logical sense! Is that asking too much?

Anyway, back to the story, Robin accuses Bunker of working with N.O.W.H.E.R.E. and pulls off his hobo disguise for a fight. Bunker reveals his powers, that he’s able to create some kind of purple-colored energy constructs, like some kind of Purple Lantern. So far he creates fists to go over his normal fists, and a small section of brick wall.

But as soon as Red Robin reveals himself, Bunker gives him a hug!

Stranger danger!

Bunker tells Red Robin that he’s been following the latter’s writings online, about the threat against teenage heroes. That’s part of the reason why the Mexican-born Bunker is in America: I think he was trying to find Red Robin so they can join up. Bunker immediately changes into his superhero costume and tells Red Robin that it was God’s plan that they happened to bump into each other on the same freight train.

And did God tell you to mix purple and maroon for your costume?

Then the train comes to a sudden halt, and the two heroes look outside to see a crowd of local townspeople ambling towards them with arms outstretched and vacant looks on their faces. Bunker immediately guesses that the people are being mind-controlled, and Red Robin agrees with him. They don’t know why the train has stopped, or why the people are randomly coming directly towards their car, but Red Robin takes off to investigate. Bunker, in the meanwhile, just sort of drops himself into the large throng of people.

Red Robin flies to the top of a nearby radio tower and finds a small metal box that’s controlling the people. Robin plans on destroying it, when he’s suddenly ambushed by a giant, walking pile of junk, literally.

When even the other characters comment on the exposition, you have a problem

Meet super-villain Detritus, who as you can see, explains that he really was just a pile of junk before randomly gaining sentience. Then he took over this town with mind-control. He tells Red Robin that he’ll make him forget…and sure enough, Red Robin does. A few minutes later he returns to Bunker and the train. The people have all snapped out of their daze and are leaving. Red Robin tries to remember Detritus, but then falls back into some kind of programmed speech. So apparently the giant walking pile of junk really can make Red Robin forget.

Oh of course, Robin, that makes total sense

Anyway, back at the train, Skittles has come out of her cocoon to reveal that she’s reverted back to the form of a normal girl, whose name is Celine. She has no idea who Red Robin and Bunker are, or how she got in the train. Of course she doesn’t.

Let’s go back to Detritus for a moment…what the hell was that!? I can guess that it’s some sort of teaser for a villain that the Teen Titans will fight in a future issue. But a walking pile of junk that just happened to gain sentience, and wants to use that sentience to enslave humanity? I don’t know whether that’s just stupid, or so stupid that it’s awesome. But he also just happens to have the ability to erase Red Robin’s memory and program him to give a canned answer? And why did the train stop? If Detritus is trying to keep a low profile, why stop the train? Did he stop the train? Or did it stop on its own? And why were the townspeople drawn to Red Robin and Bunker’s freight car specifically? They’d only just met a few minutes prior, so it couldn’t have been an ambush by Detritus.

Again, none of this makes any logical sense for why it happened.

Also at one point during all of that, we cut away to a one page interlude of Solstice learning to use her powers to fly…only to then immediately crash with Kid Flash.

Is this going to become a thing for these two?

Now at the end of the issue, we cut back to the two of them in Antarctica. Suddenly, out of literally nowhere, they are crawling towards what appears to be a pretty normal city street in the middle of the frozen Antarctic wasteland. There’s even a flower shop and street lights on this street. Kid Flash has no idea where it came from, but if he can crawl towards it…but then it’s revealed that the street is getting cover over with snow.

Again, what the hell? Where’d this random street come from? Is it a simulation by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.? It seemed pretty clear earlier in the book that he and Solstice were running and flying away, but now there’s this street?

This issue is nothing but illogical circumstances coupled with fluffy, surface-level character interaction. While I definitely like the cast, especially Red Robin, they just don’t do anything very meaningful. Kid Flash’s odd, super-speedy thought processes are fun, though they’re getting annoying. And Bunker seems to be a friendly, energetic guy. But none of these interesting characters plays against each other in any interesting ways. It’s all just brightly colored (and very well drawn. I definitely still like the art) fluff.