They should have just let the Pirates franchise sink. Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides, is a bloated, worthless extension of the franchise that basically just throws familiar characters into action sequence after action sequence until they arrive at the end. The familiar faces of Jack Sparrow and Mr. Gibs are surrounded by cliched new characters that just serve to pad out the money-making experience.

Because that’s all this movie is about: the money. More after the jump.

'On Stranger Tides' doesn't even mean anything, I don't think.

I understand the power of franchise, it’s not that difficult a concept to grasp. The brand name that the movie-going sheeple see is much more powerful and lucrative than trying a new idea – like Pirates was in the first place. Everybody loves Jack Sparrow, so let’s just keep throwing Jack Sparrow into new movies! And it works, it totally works. Pirates 4 made a butt-load of money. And there will be a Pirates 5 and probably more. It’s why the people behind Kung Fu Panda already have the series plotted out through movies 5 and 6.

Is this wrong? I dunno. Frankly, I’m not someone to argue in favor of trying new ideas over old ones. When the old ideas are just regurgitated crap, then yeah, I’m against it. But say Pirates 4 was a really good movie with some fun ideas and adventures. Then I’d be all in favor of it! TV shows last for multiple season with the same characters and premise; comic books have been going for years like that. Why not movie franchises?

The answer is because the creative forces in Hollywood rarely plot something out beyond the first movie. Those who hold the purse strings simply want the same movie over and over again. If it worked the first time, it will work every other time, in their opinion. Hence why Hangover 2 has the same exact plot.

So that brings us to Pirates 4, in which we get rid of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann (whose fate at the end of 3 is something I truly hate). That leaves us with Jack Sparrow (with Mr. Gibs as a sidekick), so the idea is to throw Jack into his own adventure, and to give him his own supporting characters and whatnot. The problem is that the movie does nothing for Jack Sparrow as a character. He doesn’t change, he doesn’t learn anything, we don’t learn anything new about him. It’s just Jack Sparrow going through the motions.

Jack Sparrow Going Through the Motions

They give him a random love interest played by Penelope Cruz, because she’s super hot. We’re told they have this grand back story together, and in the movie Jack expresses that he has feelings for her. But he’s never brought her up before and she is little more than a hot pirate chick. Too hot, frankly. She’s super model hot in a movie franchise that goes to great lengths to show its pirates as the grungy lot they really are. But here Penelope Cruz is super hot because that sells tickets.

The villain is Blackbeard for name recognition only. He’s not very intimidating and doesn’t have nearly the same villainous energy of Barbosa (who also shows up in the British Officer role). Blackbeard is basically just an evil pirate. There’s no real emotional connection between him or any other character. Salma Hayke claims she’s his long lost daughter, but we’re told right away that she’s just conning him. So the villain isn’t very interesting and doesn’t provide any emotional mirror to Jack Sparrow.

There’s also a new version of Will and Elizabeth in the form of a young missionary and the mermaid he falls in love with. It’s a boring pile of meh that is obviously just an attempt to keep female interest afloat. Because the movie-makers realized, for whatever reason, that Jack Sparrow couldn’t carry the movie alone.

My girlfriend Alyssa had this idea: Pirates 4 is essentially Star Wars without Luke and Leia. If you get rid of Leia and the Rebellion, as well as Luke Skywalker’s emotional battle with Darth Vader, you’re left with Han Solo getting hired to blow up the Death Star right under the Empire’s nose. It’s a caper flick. And Pirates 4 is essentially Han Solo getting spun off into his own wacky adventure.

The plot is a search for the Fountain of Youth. Spoiler: There is no Fountain of Youth, at least not what we normally perceive as the Fountain of Youth. This version is essentially two silver cups, one of which needs to be filled with a mermaid’s tear. Then two people drink from either cup, and the one who gets the tear is healed while the other is killed. This is incredibly convoluted! And after you watch the movie, you realize it’s only this convoluted for the scene where someone has to choose between selfishly healing themselves or healing a ‘loved’ one.

And it’s not Jack Sparrow who chooses!

So Pirates 4 is basically Jack Sparrow’s spin-off movie. Except that the movie-makers don’t want to take any risks with Jack as a character so that they can keep making movie after movie. Jack doesn’t change over the course of the story, doesn’t learn any lessons or experience anything too emotional. He doesn’t connect with any characters on anything more than the surface level and barely effects the plot.

No wonder Johnny Depp is bored with playing him.