Strap in, friends. We’ve got a bumpy ride ahead of us. Teen Titans #30 is the worst issue of the entire series. Scott Lobdell has been cancelled, and it’s clear from this issue that he isn’t going down without a war. He’s going to bury his volume of Teen Titans! In horrible dialogue, in ridiculous callbacks, in desperate attempts to wrap-up dangling plot threads; whatever he can cram into this ending, he’s gonna do it.

Teen Titans #30

Lobdell’s Teen Titans has got nothing left to lose and nothing more to gain. It’s going to flame out in craptacular fashion!

Comic Rating: 1/10 – Terrible!

I will never know what Lobdell originally planned for the Titans’ return from the future, but there’s no way it was Teen Titans #30. I’m going to assume that he assumed he’d be writing the series for a long while to come, and that this cancellation was never part of the plan. You’ll see what I mean when we get to the synopsis, but Lobdell just shovels characters, plots and dialogue into this final issue in such a way that it’s clear he’s trying to squeeze in as much as possible before the end. I suppose it was nice of DC to let Lobdell finish the series on his own terms. I would also call it a mistake, except that who cares? Teen Titans is going to restart with a brand new #1 issue, and there’s a good chance that, in a few months, Lobdell’s entire run will just be a footnote in history. We’ll never have to think about it ever again.

I just don’t know if I can properly convey how bad this issue is. I wish I was more poetic or clever, and maybe I could turn this review into its own work of art. But I am not that gifted. I am just a man. A man of many words, yes, some of them rambling, but a man I remain. Though perhaps inspired by some of my favorite superhumans, maybe I can rise to the challenge and use these many words for the good of all Internetkind. Maybe I have what it takes to talk about the painfully unfunny dialogue, the mind-bogglingly pointless cameos or the unfettered love of editorial notes pointing you to previous issues. I think…I think I can do this.

Gulp, here we go! Join me after the jump for the full synopsis and more review of the worst Teen Titans issue you will ever read!

The bad dialogue starts right away, almost immediately. The Titans have returned from the future, reconnected with Beast Boy and Bunker, and find themselves fighting the shadow puppets of new villains The Light and The Way. Try and follow Beast Boy’s train of thought in this opening spread. Click to enlarge the picture.

None of you are funny

What is he trying to say there? Since when doesn’t he have a last name? And why would shouting his last name show his concern for ‘Er, Raven’? It boggles the mind.

But wait, we’re just getting started!

The next page is the first quick wrap-up, as Raven suddenly, apropos of nothing, reveals that she can no longer feel her father’s influence. Their trip through time has freed her from Trigon’s hold…which we never knew was a problem. She always seemed complicit in Trigon’s schemes, like a double agent hiding in the Titans. But all of a sudden she’s screaming for joy at her freedom. So much for those dangling storylines! Consider this one wrapped up. Beast Boy also gives her a hug and another bad joke, because that’s his thing.

Then how about this dialogue from Light and Way, the new comedy duo of the century?

Thanks. Thanks for that

I shudder. Didn’t the act of having characters describe exactly what they were doing on the page go out of style in the 80s? I realize these characters have never existed before now, and Lobdell has done squat to explain who they are, what they want and what they can do, but did we really need that guy (either Light or Way, who knows) to explain why he was shooting through his own goon while shooting through his own goon? Who still writes dialogue like that? Chris Claremont?

Speaking of horrible dialogue, I present to you a joke so bad that Beast Boy should have been killed on the spot.

Never turn it back on!

What is happening?! Who talks like that? I’m losing my mind!

While holding up his protective wall, Bunker asks what happened to the missing Titans. Red Robin explains that, “They’re in the future – by about a century”. A helpful editorial note then suggests we check out the previous few issues of Teen Titans to get the story. Now here’s the thing, I did check out those few issues, and they all distinctively say that the adventure in the future took place “in the later half of the 30th century”. I haven’t done any math homework in a good long while, but I’m pretty sure that means the late 2900s.

That’s not a “century” into the future. Lobdell has forgotten what time period he set his last story. And this is not a fluke. In only a few short pages, this issue will once again confuse a century and a millennium.

The Light and The Way continue to talk about themselves with as much exposition as possible, so we can try to understand anything about them. They hold hands to boost their powers, but they’re attacked from behind, and this somehow causes one of them to fade from sight while the other one just passes out. And all of the shadow puppets are gone. I’m not even going to pretend to understand what the heck was going on with those two. It just doesn’t matter. Their attacker, by the way, is an old friend.

Dumbest superhero name ever

Everyone quickly welcomes back Skittles, and is amazed that now she can talk in complete sentences. Another editorial box reminds us that she disappeared during The Culling, which was two years ago. If I remember correctly, Skittles was approached by a mysterious figure in the shadows and simply disappeared. She wasn’t even on the team for 10 issues before they just ditched her completely, with no concern whatsoever for what happened to her. She disappeared from a very secure facility deep underground. But whatever, she’s back now, and so is that organization of men in suits with guns who originally showed up while the Titans were battling Trigon. Do you remember them? Of course you don’t! Neither do I! Fortunately, the third editorial box of the issue reminds us to check out the previous issue.

Led by Amanda Waller Lite

We find out that the woman in charge in Skittles’ mom, and they’ve arrived to collect The Light and The Way for reasons that are never explained. Red Robin is apparently pretty cool with what they’re doing, as witnessed in this idiotic exchange of dialogue.

Red Robin has lax standards for mysterious organizations

Why does Red Robin not care?! Didn’t he put the Teen Titans together to help teenage metahumans from exactly this sort of thing? Does he not care that yet another mysterious, unnamed organization is gathering up a couple of teenage metahumans for unknown purposes? Wasn’t that the entire point of N.O.W.H.E.R.E.?

It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. Lobdell doesn’t want any of us to give this scene one iota of thought. This is just some storyline he’d always intended to write, but now that he’s out of time, he’s just wrapping it up without a second thought. These characters will never return, not even the villains. They might as well have been magicians. Now you see them, now you don’t. Goodbye forever.

Oh wait, before they leave, Skittles mom tells her that they’re going home – but Skittles stands with the Titans and says she’s already home.

Because of course she does.

Skittles then spends two pages detailing her origin, because Lobdell never got around to it back at the beginning, and now he’s run out of time. It’s kind of a cool origin, maybe. To sum it all up: she was a science nerd who opened a portal to another dimension while interning at S.T.A.R. Labs, then was attacked by an alien race that tried to take over her body. Skittles’ willpower was too strong for the creature, and she asserted control, but was stuck being that simpleton monster we used to know.

Her mother was keeping track of her back then, but rather than actually help her daughter, she let Skittles tag along with the Teen Titans and get kidnapped by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. Then her mother somehow reached into the Culling and plucked Skittles out by pretending to be the creature’s sister, it’s…I don’t even know how to describe that part. Then her mother took care of her until Skittles was able to fully control the alien monster, and now she’s returned to join the Titans because the series is almost over.

It’s a pretty OK origin, actually, albeit very rushed. But also, why is ‘home’ the team of teenagers who let you tag along with them for a few days, but never actually helped you do anything, instead of your actual mother and her organization who helped you take control of the dangerous monster living inside of you? Moot question, I know.

And then time and space cease to exist.

Not really, but that’s what it feels like is happening in my head when Lobdell suddenly brings back the character Grymm.

You’re god damned right it’s spelled with a ‘Y’

This hurts my brain. Grymm? Really?! So not enough has happened in this issue already? The Titans don’t get two flippin’ seconds to themselves before Grymm shows up out of nowhere? GRYMM? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Give me a second here. Just need some deep breaths. OK.

See that editorial note? The fourth one of the issue? Grymm appeared all the way back in Teen Titans #6. Do you remember what happened back then? The Titans paid a visit to Static Shock at S.T.A.R. Labs, Grymm showed up elsewhere in the building, they beat him up, and he was never supposed to appear again (Grymm, not Static. Why is Static not on the Teen Titans?). Why is Grymm suddenly back?

This is what I mean by Teen Titans and Scott Lobdell having nothing left to lose.

Beast Boy takes out Grymm, Raven reads his mind and they discover a bomb on the yacht – but it goes off! The Titans are kind of, almost caught in the blast!

That might make a pretty good cliffhanger for this issue, sudden and insane, but we’re not done yet. Dear lord, we are not done yet.

There’s a back-up feature set “a century into the future”, even though we already established that Kid Flash and Solstice were left 1,000 years into the future. Apparently their punishment is just being left on some random, abandoned planet to fend for themselves against other violent criminals.

Well you started out as heartless murderers, so what else do you expect?

Because that makes sense. Also making sense is the fact that Kid Flash still has his powers and Solstice doesn’t. There is no logic to this criminal justice system.

The two of them hug and Kid Flash tells Solstice that they will always be Titans, and together they will tame and liberate this planet. Meanwhile, there are some weird aliens flying around on monsters nearby. Sigh.

There’s another back up set “one week ago”, telling the story of Bunker and Beast Boy in Mexico. They find Gabe, Bunker’s boyfriend, and the town throws a party, but instead of letting us have one single moment of normal, human behavior, Lobdell brings in the super-villain Brutale for no god damned reason. Brutale just shows up to kidnap Gabe. The heroes take him out, find out who he was working for and trash her place, but when they hear about the Crime Syndicate on the news, the two heroes rush back to find the Titans. Lobdell just can’t stop himself. Every single scene that might involve real human character development has to be suddenly interrupted by a ridiculous super-villain!

This little backup is everything that was wrong with Lobdell’s Teen Titans in a nutshell. But at least this issue is finally over.

The worst issue of the worst volume of Teen Titans is over. Unless, of course, the next week’s Annual is even worse. That’s supposed to be the actual final issue of Lobdell’s Teen Titans. I guess they have to deal with their yacht blowing up, the yacht they had for all of 3 issues. The yacht that (freakin’) Grymm managed to sneak on board to plant a bomb mere minutes before the Titans returned from the future, an event he had no way of predicting or knowing. But it happened, and that’s the big cliffhanger. Somehow that’s going to tie into Harvest.

Ugh. What more is there to say about this issue? It’s hot garbage the whole way through. The Titans don’t get 10 seconds to stop and act like real people. Super-villains or adversaries that have nothing to do with one another and barely have anything to do with the Teen Titans are thrown at them one after another. Grymm comes out of god damned nowhere to make a reappearance for no reason! NO REASON! Skittles returns for equally no reason. Those guys in suits return for no reason, and not just that, but they don’t get a name or an explanation. They just show up, dump the info that would have dumped had Lobdell been allowed to tell their story, and leave. Why Skittles stays with the Titans, I have no idea! Because she’s not part of the new #1 issue in a few months. Does she die next issue? Does anybody care?

This issue was a mess. When Lobdell wasn’t just dumping forgotten concepts onto the page, he was having the Titans crack horrible, horrible jokes or fight bad guys that just don’t matter. Nothing was done between Wonder Girl and Red Robin following their kiss last issue. Nobody did or accomplished anything of note – not that there’s anything for any of these characters to do or say that could sum up their time in this comic. Even the back-ups were lousy. The one of Kid Flash and Solstice is just insane, with absolutely no logic involved. And the one with Bunker and Beast Boy was almost interesting, but then Lobdell had to just go and ruin it with his love of random, pointless super-villains! Gah! Was it too much to ask to just read about Bunker and his boyfriend or Bunker and Beast Boy hanging out at a party? Was that too difficult to write?!

The only thing saving this issue, and really most previous issues of Teen Titans, has been the art. It’s solid superhero art by Scott McDaniel and Tyler Kirkham. And if I may say, the art by Scott Kolins in the Bunker/Beast Boy backup is superb! Why did Kolins not draw all of Teen Titans? Why is he not on the relaunch?

Oh beautiful art, how I’ve missed you

Larfleeze has been cancelled too, right? Get Kolins on the new Teen Titans, please! Bunker looks legitimately young and human. His powers look cool. Beast Boy looks cool. Kolins draws a great Teen Titans.

But that greatness is fleeting. And all we’re mostly left with is the terribleness.

And one last issue to go.