You can always count on Teen Titans to have more than a few things wrong with each issue. Sometimes it’s an overabundance of editor’s notes pointing you towards some other series. Or maybe it’s a lot of long, boring, expositional dialogue. Or maybe it includes a few random cutaways to villains who will never appear again (the book loves to do that!). It’s always something with this comic. Teen Titans has been written by the same guy with what I assume is the same agenda since the start of the New 52, and writer Scott Lobdell hasn’t gotten any better. This new issue flings our heroes far into the future, into outer space, to meet a bunch of random space dudes and sort of maybe start to learn the secret origin of Kid Flash.

Teen Titans #25

Turns out he’s kind of a murderous monster with more blood on his hands than your average Manson. Our teenage heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

Comic Rating: 3/10 – Bad.

Sometimes I think I’m being too hard on Teen Titans, but then I read the rest of the comics I buy each week and the difference is staggering. Modern comics today usually focus on the character, and leave a lot of the exposition to the art. We readers don’t need to be spoonfed every little piece of plot. But Lobdell on Teen Titans looooves exposition. He loves having his characters explain everything as awkwardly and as stuntedly as possible. Teen Titans #25 is a fine example. And it’s made even worse by Lobdell doing most of the expositing via thought bubbles. Freakin’ thought bubbles! Those haven’t been in style since the 90s! But Teen Titans #25 is full of them, from multiple different characters. It’s deadening.

To say nothing of the actual plot and characters involved. Bart Allen’s origin has no connection to anything we’ve ever seen before in DC Comics or the Teen Titans – or at least that’s how it appears so far. So Lobdell is pretty much making it up as he goes along, whether it’s the names of random space mercenaries or space police agencies or futuristic technology. He’s on a roll just throwing out new ideas and concepts with absolutely no grounding, unless you count the Teen Titans themselves, who have never been particularly grounded.

Teen Titans #25 is another fine example of why this series is as dull and as flat as a piece of wood. Join me after the jump for a full synopsis and more review.

It’s the far future, and Kid Flash and Solstice are surrounded by angry mercenaries with guns. This isn’t exactly where we left them off in the last issue, but it’s good enough. This is also a good time to point out that the art by Scott McDaniel and Tyler Kirkham isn’t very good or interesting. Teen Titans lost its big name artists a long time ago. For example, behold this scene of Kid Flash dancing awkwardly in the sky.

Shake your groove thang

The leader of these mercs is a big space guy with dreadlocks named ‘Rain’ for no particular reason. He calls Kid Flash ‘Bar Torr’ and says that he once ago betrayed their cause. Kid Flash immediately speeds through the room disarming the guards before grabbing an ax blade and holding it to Rain’s throat. Also, his voice changes, denoted by a change in the word bubbles. Kid Flash seems to have snapped and dipped into ‘crazy bastard mode’, threatening Rain’s life.

We then get our first page of expositional thought balloons courtesy of Solstice, who catches us all up as to what’s happening – with the obligatory editor’s note too!

Women be expositin’

Thank you, Solstice.

Anyway, Rain smacks Kid Flash and gloats about how they’ve been preparing for this moment and are secretly filling his lungs with a synthetic accelerant that hardens into a polymer in his lungs – and only his lungs, apparently. Everybody else seems fine. Synthetic accelerant technology must have come a long way.

But before Rain and his men can kill him, Solstice powers up and tells them they’ll have to go through her to get to Kid Flash.

Meanwhile, Red Robin, Raven, Wonder Girl and Superboy (who is secretly the evil John Kent), arrive elsewhere on the planet, and Raven says she’s too winded to be able to teleport them out. So the Titans decide to settle in and figure out where they are, which gives us our second big thought balloon/editor’s note moment.

That’s what they call a ‘twofer’

But before they can do any more thinking, they see a flash of energy off in the distance and recognize it as Solstice’s power. So the lot of them rush off to help out.

At the fight, Kid Flash and Solstice work together to take out the rest of the soldiers, and Crazy Bastard Kid Flash goes a little too far.

Just use Lady MacBeth brand hand-cleaner

Kid Flash passes out and the Titans are about to rush to his aid when suddenly a giant pillar of light forms over him and a voice orders them to “Step away from the witness!” Why Kid Flash is a witness to is beyond me, especially since this turns out to be the Echo Chronal Authority. Shouldn’t Kid Flash be the defendant or the arrestee? Why is he the witness?

Red Robin tells his team to surrender as they meet Field Commander Brain 3, who reveals that she and her people were the ones who sent Kid Flash back into the past to begin with. While she’s talking, one of her agents gets royally pissed at the unconscious Kid Flash. Apparently Kid Flash is so evil that this guy wants to just shoot him on the spot, justice be damned. But Brain 3 talks him out of it and Kid Flash is taken into custody, while the rest of the Titans are just taken along for the ride.

At Echo Headquarters, the Titans try to figure out what to do next. Solstice is worried about Kid Flash, but Robin tries to convince her that they are actually in a pretty good place. Evil Superboy is getting patched up, Kid Flash is in protective custody, and they’re all still alive. So that’s good, right? Solstice storms off because it’s clear that Robin is only pretending he knows what he’s doing, something he admits to Raven once Solstice is gone.

We cut to Kid Flash, whose thoughts do their best to explain the contraption Lobdell has strapped him into.

Of course, it’s all so clear now!

Solstice, who apparently has free reign of the ship, shows up to tell him she’s going to get him out of there. But Kid Flash goes into a big speech that maybe it’s finally time they found out where he came from. Brain 3 and the Teen Titans show up to begin carrying out whatever it is they’re going to carry out. And Robin once again betrays that he has absolutely no idea what’s happening here.

You all deserve each other

Really, Robin? What makes you think you have any authority in this place? It’s great that you’re his friend and all, but he’s under arrest for crimes that are probably against humanity. Stop giving Solstice hope.

It’s made especially worse when Brain 3 turns on her machine, which starts reading Kid Flash’s memories and displays them for the crowd. The first one is pretty bad.

Who doesn’t love skulls?

Yep, Kid Flash used to be a cold-blooded murderer who loved decorating with skulls. Though personally, his biggest crime is that hideous green and yellow uniform. Ugh.

You ready to take him home now, Robin? But wait a minute, why are they showing this to Kid Flash and the Teen Titans? What exactly is happening here? If Brain 3 and her people were the ones who sent Kid Flash into the past to begin with, wouldn’t they presumably already know his evil past? Wouldn’t that be why they sent him back in time? Which is a horrible idea for punishing people, by the way. But I’m asking why are they hooking Kid Flash up to this machine in order to play out his memories like a movie? Are they doing it as a luxury to Kid Flash and the Teen Titans? Is this a trial? Why is he on trial? Wouldn’t he have been on trial before, which is why they sent him back in time?

What does this memory-reading machine have to do with anything? Or is it just the easiest way Lobdell could think of to present Kid Flash’s origin: just play it out on screen like a movie?

Oh and alai, in the infirmary, John Kent wakes up and immediately starts choking Wonder Girl. So they’ve got that to worry about next issue as well.

And if you didn’t know, Superboy died this week over in Superman #25. I skimmed the issue but didn’t read it. Superboy sacrifices himself to do something, then Superman and Supergirl barely register what he did. Honestly, I think DC just decided they weren’t getting anywhere with this Superboy so they took the drastic step of trying to change things up. And clearly his membership in the Teen Titans doesn’t matter. They don’t even get to know he’s dead yet. It’s not like this team is very friendly or chummy with one another to the extent that they’d actually miss him.

Or at least, Lobdell will write them all heartbroken, but we the reader won’t actually feel anything.

Teen Titans is a comic book without heart. There is no real teamwork or camaraderie. There’s no sense of love or friendship between these characters. It’s just a bunch of superheroes going through the motions. This time, they’re in space in the future bumping into guys like Rain and organizations like the Echo Chronal Authority, names and things that mean absolutely nothing. Who are these people and how do they matter? Who knows. But thankfully, the Titans are free to think the answers through as stiffly as possible. At least we’ve got that.

I will admit that the mystery of Kid Flash is a little enticing. Lobdell has been hinting at something since the very beginning, and maybe it will turn out to be interesting. Or maybe it will turn out that it’s not his fault somehow, that he’s still a great hero, and that he’ll go home with the Teen Titans like everything is normal. I’m betting on the latter.