All of the character-focused issues are over as Peter David takes us full speed into the Hell on Earth War…and it’s rather disappointing. If this issue is any indication of the type of story we can expect for Hell on Earth War, it’s going to be a long, dull trip. The dialogue and jokes are flat and lifeless, the art is flat for an entirely different reason, and the story itself is a whole mess of uninteresting vagueness. There is very little organization when it comes to established demons and Hell in the Marvel Universe. So Peter David is free to just make up whatever craziness he wants, and he definitely does. Nothing that we’ve seen so far about this story points to any sort of cohesion, and this issue is filled with more general evil fluff. PAD also hasn’t explained what any of this has to do with X-Factor!

X-Factor #248

The issue is competently put together, but the new story just isn’t coming together in any way that I find interesting. PAD has apparently been working on this story for more than a decade, but if that’s the case, he clearly didn’t plan it out too well.

Comic rating: 2/5: Bad.

Despite X-Factor being one of my favorite comic books, I’ve always had a problem with how PAD tries to drop hints or clues about what is to come. He’s terrible at it. For almost the entire length of the series, he’s been dropping hints about the true nature of Multiple Man’s powers. But that’s all he does with it. Somebody somewhere will mention how his powers don’t make sense, and that’s it. There’s no sense of the mystery growing or getting closer to an answer. Likewise, he’s been doing the same thing with the Hell on Earth War. There’s no sense that this is actually building to something interesting. It’s just random characters making vague comments about something else going on behind the scenes. To make a really good tease, you’ve got to actually reveal something, and then sparse out those reveals over a period of time. There’s got to be a sense that this is going somewhere and will amount to something.

And that is absolutely not the case with this Hell on Earth War. I’m not even sure if all the cryptic hints we’ve been given over the past year or so even have to do with Hell on Earth! Is this what the elder Tryp has been babbling about in his various appearances? What about that brief scene with the Isolationist? I know the past few issues have featured characters claiming that “X-Factor would fall”, but what does that even mean in this context? They’re a loosely organized team of X-Men spin-offs who stick together because they feel like it. Having them “fall” isn’t really going to ruin much. And why X-Factor? What do they have to do with demons or Hell or anything like that? Why not the Avengers? Why not the X-Men? Why not the Defenders or the Darkholde Redeemers?

This issue fails because PAD spends a lot of time acting like all his teases and hints have been leading towards something awesome – which they haven’t – and the rest of the time with the characters making terrible banter and awkward, uncomfortable jokes. He also wastes that awesome Monet cover by having it be Pip in Monet’s body. Monet is a far more interesting and entertaining character than Pip, but PAD spends a good portion of this issue on Pip. The character is not nearly as interesting as he seems to think. And we’re worse off because of it.

Join me after the jump for a full synopsis and more review!

We open with Pip in some kind of existential post-death gray room. He’s greeted by Thanos and Death, who have come personally to claim his soul. Pip doesn’t go easily and tries to escape, kicking Thanos in the junk to get away.

They’re probably not going to include this scene in Avengers 2

That is one awesome drawing of Thanos’ face. But it’s ruined by the silly slapstick humor of having Thanos kicked in the junk. This leads me to believe that this isn’t really Thanos or Death (because c’mon), but then what is it? Some kind of dream Pip is having? There is absolutely no indication. And it also doesn’t make much sense considering what we learn later this issue about Pip’s death. It’s possible that PAD just wanted to show Thanos getting kicked in the groin. Because that kind of stuff is the height of comedy. After all, Barney’s film had heart, but Football in the Groin had a football in the groin.

Pip eventually breaks through some kind of wall – possibly the wall between life and death? – and wakes up back at X-Factor HQ. He’s alive again, but he feels weird. One glance in the mirror reveals that he’s somehow jumped into Monet’s body. Pip decides to go tell the others, but then figures he might as well take a moment to enjoy himself and check out Monet’s breasts. Fortunately, part of Monet is (horrifyingly) still inside her body and she slaps the Pip-controlled hand away from her zipper. It’s the most she can do to stop herself from being molested. Horrifying.

Downstairs, Polaris, Rictor, Shatterstar and Longshot are looking over Pip’s not-quite-dead body in the morgue. Turns out Pip is still breathing, even with a hole in his head. So if that’s the case, why the scene with Thanos and Death if he’s not really dead?

Hospitals don’t treat breathing people

So they don’t want to take Pip to the hospital, meaning the next best bet is calling down Monet to use her telepathy to try and find Pip’s consciousness. Which is when Pip shows up in Monet’s body to reveal that’s not about to happen, since he’s right there. He says they need to get the bullet in order to trace it, meanwhile everybody figures out that Pip is in Monet’s body and everybody laughs at her misfortune. Everybody except for Shatterstar though, who is rightfully horrified.

Jokes don’t work if the characters point out of monstrous they are

While Shatterstar makes a good point, what is up with the art? This is what I meant by everything being so flat. Artist Paul Davidson does a mostly OK job with the art, but it is very sloppy at times. Shatterstar is literally tilting. He’s a flat, 2-dimensional figure and he’s tilting. That same picture looks to be copied and pasted later in the issue too. It’s very distracting. But otherwise the art is serviceable.

Anyway, Pip explains that he has the power to teleport, which he tried to do when he was shot. However, because he was shot, he was only able to teleport his mind, which grabbed on to the closest psychic, Monet. Pip goes on to explain in a lengthy scene that his alien race – the Laxidazians – don’t have their brains in their heads. Their brains are connected to their hearts for better decision-making. While the name of his race is correct, I’m not sure about that brain/heart thing. It sounds too much like PAD making something up to keep Pip alive and reinforce how awesome PAD finds the character.

Either way, that’s far too many pages spent talking about Pip. The scene ends with Longshot whispering a joke to Rictor, that Pip is starting to sound like somebody else…but they don’t let us in on the joke. Monet, I guess. Again, PAD’s normally hilarious banter just falls flat all over the place.

Meanwhile, Madrox and Layla return from Las Vegas and hop a cab home – one that’s driven by a menacing cabbie with glowing red eyes. Dun dun dun!

Back at X-Factor, Pip tries and fails to use his powers to scan the bullet because he’s still in Monet’s body. So the others tell him to leave Monet alone and jump back, but Pip says he can’t because his body hasn’t healed enough. So Longshot uses his powers to trace the bullet and we get a somewhat funny little scene – and more freaky Shatterstar art.

Polaris is probably looking for a rebound after Havok

So Shatterstar teleports them and they arrive in a wooded area. Shatterstar immediately goes nuts and starts attacking the trees until Polaris snaps him out of it. Apparently he was just really eager to attack something. These are the jokes, folks.

Turns out they’re in the New York Botanical Gardens, which is where the evil taxi driver has taken Madrox and Layla. They get wise to him when they realize this is the especially long way home, and the driver tells them that X-Factor will fall, and he felt it best if they all fell together. Madrox and Layla bust out using her force field, and Madrox interrogates the driver.

In his special Madrox way

Layla explains that the Warders are a race of demons that pave the way for the end of the world, then just sit back and watch, guarding against anyone who might try and stop it. Madrox calls her a “Witch-apedia”, raising the comic’s awesome pun quotient. But still, it feels like PAD is just making up whatever he wants in demons. This is X-Factor, it’s a tiny little book just humming along in the Marvel canon that has nothing to do with anything. This is not the real end of the world. This book shouldn’t be tackling big, world-saving stories. Leave that to the Avengers or the X-Men. Leave that to comics that are built to handle those kinds of stories, where stuff like Warder demons might make some sense. Here it just sounds like PAD is making it up as he goes along.

The Warder then explains that X-Factor killed one of his kind back in Kansas, the one that possessed that dead woman’s body. The bad guy is prepared to rant some more, but Madrox kicks him in the face and then he and Layla head into the Gardens to join the others.

Before they can find them, however, the rest of the team reaches a fountain and is ambushed by a lot of bad guys holding weapons. Vera is there as well, the woman who shot Pip. She reveals that she is the sister of the demon that X-Factor defeated in Kansas. Then a mini-volcano erupts out of the fountain.

Oh no! Not small volcanoes!

And that’s the story. I couldn’t care less about vague, generic demons attacking X-Factor. I don’t think Peter David’s weird, wild supernatural stories have ever been good for X-Factor. Remember that whole year he spent on that crazy time travel nonsense? PAD’s stories have a tendency to just drag on and on, losing all the wit and character-based drama that he excels at. I’m afraid that’s exactly where we’re heading, where PAD puts story ahead of characters. That’s a recipe for disaster.

Also, what the hell with having Pip in Monet’s body? Monet is a far more interesting character. I would rather she be appearing than Pip. Ah well. I’m in this for the long haul. So let’s see what happens.