They Sunk Liam Neeson’s Battleship
The trailer for the movie Battleship has been released and I don’t see what the problem is. I’ll admit that there is nothing more ludicrous creatively than Hollywood snatching up recognizable brand names to attach to their movies. It’s borderline insulting to movie audiences. But then movie audiences sometimes need to be insulted. But after watching the trailer, I don’t think this is a big deal. Battleships are cool. And I don’t know of any other movie with a focus on battleships. Throw in some aliens, some explosions, Liam Neeson, and a dashing young stud and you’ve got yourself a movie, mister!
My Sinister 6
Spider-Man has one of the wildest Rogues Galleries in all of comics, literally. Nearly all of them are based off some kind of wild animal. That makes for a nice consistency. And one key component of Spidey’s baddies over the years has been the Sinister Six. Back in 1964, six of Spidey’s greatest villains teamed up to take him on as a group, because none of them could beat him on their own. Essentially they all sat down and someone said, “Gentlemen, we’re going to kill Spider-Man!”
It didn’t work. They lost.
The first Sinister Six was composed of Doctor Octopus, Mysterio, Electro, Sandman, Vulture and Kraven the Hunter. That team stayed pretty consistent throughout the years, with a few additions and subtractions here and there. They basically always teamed up to kill Spider-Man, though sometimes also to commit crimes.
Well today I’m going to debut my vision of an even better Sinister Six! The idea of some of the big bad guys teaming up just to kill Spider-Man is passe. Nowadays the Sinister Six should be more working-class, more street-level guys banding together to accomplish something. Kill Spider-Man, sure; but being super criminals should come first.
It should be no surprise that DC Comics’ Secret Six is a big influence on what a villain team should be.
1. Lady Octopus: Villainous mastermind and brains of the operation!
She's all hands
It’s true! There’s a Lady Octopus! She is an obscure character (my favorite kind!) who hasn’t been seen much since she debuted in the mid-90s as a part of the Clone Saga. That makes her perfect for revamping into something new and spectacular! Just cut away all the crappy baggage she had back in the day and make her sleek, new and exciting. Get rid of the armored costume and give her something more subtle and a little bit sexy. Keep the Doc Ock arms, but make them more stream-lined and less mechanical. And pink hair is always cool. When she debuted, she was all about Cyberspace, back when the Internet was called the Information Superhighway and nobody really knew what it would become. They can keep the interest in the Internet, just don’t get insane about it. She’d be the new mastermind of the team, the one who brings everyone together for her nefarious schemes!
2. The Spot: Transport and some comic relief.
Make it rain!
My faithful readers first met the Spot on my list of 6 Favorite Comic Book Characters, so it shouldn’t be any surprise that I’d want him for my team. Should I ever get to try my hand at writing a Marvel comic, I have big plans for the Spot. He has the super power of creating portals out of thin air and then using them to transport himself and anything else over great distances. So clearly he’d be great as a teleport-for-hire sort of guy. Saves the team from having to rent a truck, or something. So he’d be great for that. He’s also an amazing visual. The Spot is just fun to look at. A recent appearance made him something of an arrogant comic relief, and I’d keep that while also giving him some of the recent back bone he’s developed.
3. The Rhino: Strong silent type, the muscle.
Run for your life!!
Just look at that picture, read those captions. The Rhino is no longer the big, blundering fool he used to be. There was a story in Amazing Spider-Man not too long ago that had the Rhino retiring from crime because he’d fallen in love. He went to prison, served his time and then got out and married the woman. Then some Rhino wannabe came on the scene with a new mechanical suit and challenged the old Rhino to a fight. Spider-Man stepped in and had a cool scene where he told the old Rhino to go home to his wife, Spidey would handle this new guy because that’s what Spider-Man does. And Rhino listened! It was a brilliant story, really humanizing this long-standing joke character.
Then a few issues later, the bad guys came back into the picture and killed the Rhino’s new wife. He went off the deep end then, becoming the monster you see in the picture above. So now he’s tough, strong and super angry. I’d keep all those things going with Rhino on the Sinister Six.
4. Hobgoblin: Insane, funny wildcard.
Take that, Spider-Man!
Another character from my list of favorites, the Phil Urich Hobgoblin. This choice is mostly fanboyism. I love the character, I want to see more of him and this would be the perfect opportunity. It would give Phil a higher profile. Hobgoblin has a long-standing history with the Sinister Six, so throw him back on the team. He’s wildly crazy, in a fun way, and would be the perfect wildcard (like Charlie Kelly). Marvel is trying to make this Hobgoblin a legitimate character, and I’m all for it!
5. Scorpion: Tough, angry veteran.
And that!
Mac Gargan, the Scorpion, has been around forever. He was even Venom for a few years. But he’s back now as the Scorpion, with a badass costume and a return to glory as a bitter, angry, henchman-for-hire. He was originally a private eye hired by J. Jonah Jameson to get some dirt on Spider-Man. Then JJJ went the extra mile and paid for some Science to turn Gargan into the Scorpion. Gargen’s been half-insane and bitter at JJJ ever since. Plus as a kid, I loved scorpions (still do), so this guy was always one of my favorites. He was never a member of the comic book Sinister Six, but he was on the cartoon show, when they were called the Insidious Six.
One has to assume that FOX Kids in the 90s just didn’t like the word ‘sinister’. They also wouldn’t let Spider-Man punch anybody.
6. The Shocker: Heart of the team, the put-upon every-man just trying to get by.
Not the 'shocker' you're thinking about
The Shocker, Herman Schultz, is the ultimate working-class super-villain; so he’s a real hero of mine. This is a guy who just wants to make a buck. He’s not in this game to be a super-villain or ‘kill Spider-Man’. He’s just a crook doing his thing. And that’s fantastic. I want to write a Shocker solo series. I want more Shocker. Here is a schlub, a working stiff, a guy that readers can really relate to. He was a safe-cracker who invented a pair of gauntlets that release a vibrational frequency that would destroy the safes. But they vibrate so powerfully he also had to design a protective suit for himself. So that’s why he looks like a costume super-villain. His costume actually serves a function!
So The Shocker would be the star of my Sinister Six series. He’s the sort of guy you can write about taking the subway, or standing in line for coffee or complaining about making rent for the month. He’s perfect.
And special thanks for friend-of-the-site Alyssa for this list suggestion. If you have a suggestion for my Lists of Six, put it in the comments!
San Diego Comic-Con Wrap-Up
I already wrote about the epic return of Stilt-Man, but I wanted to add a few more exciting developments to come out of the San Diego Comic-Con. It’s the largest pop culture event of the year, with big news in comics, movies and TV. Someday Henchman-4-Hire will have a booth there, or I’ll personally have a booth there. But for now, I enjoy cruising the comic blogosphere and reading up on news from my favorite sites.
Here are some key tidbits, both good and bad.
1. The Return of the Scarlet Spider: At one panel, Marvel released the following teaser image for an upcoming Spider-Man story for the end of the year. No news, just the picture. And it’s a very exciting picture featuring the Scarlet Spider’s iconic hoodie.
Hopefully the comic won't just be Scarlet Spider on fire
Everybody knows about Spider-Man. Well a big story in the 90s Spider-Man comics was the Clone Saga, in which an evil scientist made a clone of Peter Parker who had all of his memories and all of his spider-powers. The clone named himself Ben Reilly, and he adopted his own spider-identity: The Scarlet Spider. Everybody hated the Clone Saga. It started small but it just kept dragging on and on for years. Marvel kept going back and forth over who was the real Peter Parker and who was the clone. Eventually Spider-Man was revealed to be the real deal, and Scarlet Spider was revealed to be the clone – then he died.
Poor guy
I loved the Clone Saga, but then my brother and I came into it at the very end. We weren’t around for the story dragging on and on. Some of our first comics were from the Clone Saga, when we used to go to the comic shops in Syracuse and cruise the back issue bins. Cippy loved Scarlet Spider, and I definitely enjoyed the exploits of Ben Reilly. For a brief period, he filled in as Spider-Man. The Scarlet Spider costume is my absolute favorite alternate Spidey costume.
So the prospect of Scarlet Spider coming back in some way is kind of exciting. He’s appeared in some side comics, but Ben Reilly hasn’t come back from the dead or anything. Another character started using the name, but he has his own costume and his own deal. Having the real deal back, hoodie and all, would be pretty sweet.
2. Incredible Hulk and the Agents of S.M.A.S.H.: Everything about this is brilliant, from the idea to a title that should have been thought up ages ago. Except that it’s not for me. I hate the idea, it’s just brilliant. I don’t even want ‘S.M.A.S.H.’ to stand for anything. It’s awesome as-is. This is going to be a cartoon show starring the Hulk and all the recent Hulk-esque characters from Marvel.
Crappy image, but such is con-stuff
Over the past few years, the Incredible Hulk cast has ballooned from just Bruce Banner and his jade giant alter ego. There’s Red Hulk She-Hulk, Red She-Hulk, Skaar: Son of the Hulk, another She-Hulk and A-Bomb, who is a Rick Jones that can turn into the Abomination. It’s dumb and I haven’t been reading. I prefer my Hulk to be a loner, where he’s the only Hulk around. Like in the classic TV show. So I don’t know what sort of bull is going to be flying in this cartoon show.
I just love the title.
3. Trailer for the new Airbender cartoon: Avatar: The Last Airbender is one of the best cartoon series ever. It’s a three-season story that spans one long tale from beginning to end, about a 12-year-old boy who must embrace his destiny and save the world. It’s not just a kiddie show. You will be hard-pressed to find such an epic tale anywhere else short of books. If you have kids, make them watch Avatar: The Last Airbender. Watch it with them. You will not be disappointed.
That being said, here’s the trailer for the sequel!
4. LEGO has Marvel and DC licenses: Soon we will live in a world with LEGO X-Men, Avengers, Superman, Spider-Man, Hulk and Deadpool. It’s a nerd dream come true. All my hopes and dreams from childhood come to life! I already proudly displayed my LEGO Batmobile on my Geek Wall. To have other superhero LEGOS is just giddy fun.
Problem is, aside from Batman and his various vehicles and cave, few other superheroes have actual models to build. So we’ll see what they can come up with. I have faith.
Tiny little bits of awesome
Captain America, Fuck Yeah!
I’ve very happy to have used that Post Title, instead of something sad and silly like ‘Captain America, Fuck No!’ Because the Captain America movie kicks a lot of ass and lives up to all my hopes and expectations. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a perfect movie. Yes, Cap himself was fantastic, his supporting cast was great, Red Skull was badass… it was the movie itself that didn’t live up to the potential.
That is to say, it didn’t live up to the potential of the fan-made trailer that spliced Captain America with the song ‘America, Fuck Yeah’ from Team America: World Police.
That gets my blood pumping!
Oh the glory that could have been. While watching the scenes where Cap is kicking Nazi butt, I kept wanting the movie to play a more action-packed sort of song! I wanted to be jumping out of my seat and punching the air I was so pumped up by the Cap action! Alas, that moment never happened…probably to the benefit of those sitting around me.
Captain America: The First Avenger was a pretty awesome movie. It was an origin story, but thankfully Cap’s origin has a lot more story to go with it than most. The journey from skinny little nobody to war hero is a cool tale, and they don’t make it hokey or lame at all. In fact, the first half is the best part of the movie. Stanley Tucci is amazing as Professor Erskine, and the few scenes he gets with Steve are well-played and very touching. They really develop a bond during the first half of the movie, you really get a sense of the importance of Erskine’s project, and why he wants Steve for the job. The first half of the movie is the better half.
And thankfully in the second half, the moviemakers didn’t skimp on the war. I knew going into this film, back when it was first announced, that they essentially had to make Saving Private Ryan with a superhero at the center, and they did. It wasn’t as gritty and realistic as Saving Private Ryan, but it was a real war movie with realistic soldiers and the hardships of war. Granted, it was a little stylized, but not campy or overplayed. Everything stayed grounded, which was an absolute must for this movie.
The Captain is ready to kick ass
The movie nailed Cap perfectly. The skinny guy sections are a little weird, but they’re not impossible to get over to enjoy the movie. Like I said, the beginning is the best part. You really buy into the poor guy’s desire to be a soldier, to do his part. You feel for him. When he signs up with Erskine and proves his worth in boot camp, it’s a great feeling. You even sort of get behind him during the silly USO show section. It works for the movie, but poor Steve. When he becomes Captain America, he stays that loveable, friendly, nice guy. He’s courageous and strong-willed, but he’s not a jerk or arrogant. He does what’s right, and that’s a good thing.
Thank God he never spends any time wallowing in self-pity like the Green Lantern. Cap never questions himself or his power, he gets right in Nazi face and kicks some ass. He’s a hero from beginning to end.
Cap also has a great supporting cast. Top notch all around. Bucky is a blast. Recent issues of the Captain America comic gave Bucky a much needed upgrade. They retconned his tale from being just a colorful boy sidekick to actually being a military operative. Bucky was given skills as a scout and as a killer. That’s the Bucky that appears in this movie. He’ s Cap’s childhood pal turned soldier, and they bump into each other again in the war. Bucky is tough and cool, just like a soldier. He’s not at all the acrobatic kid sidekick. This movie shows the world exactly how to make a sidekick work in a comic book movie.
Being a sidekick knocks you for a loop
The Howling Commandos appear, but they’re little more than recognizable soldiers in the background. But that’s all they need to be. Too many characters would flood the movie. So they do just enough so that you root for them, but not enough to be a bother – perfect. As I said before, Erskine is fantastic. Tommy Lee Jones as the Army guy is phenomenal. He’s gruff and he’s funny, getting all the best one-liners. I’m glad he stays for the whole movie. Peggy Carter is a suitable love interest. She’s fun and firm, and not at all the damsel in distress. The romance is easy to feel. It’s rather sad how it ends, but I wasn’t brought to tears by it like the movie probably wanted.
As the villain, the Red Skull is a lot of fun. He’s not over the top and he’s suitably creepy. I kind of preferred him when he had the human face. The Red Skull makeup looked both realistic and fake at the same time. Hugo Weaving gave the character some wit. He wasn’t cracking jokes, but he had a certain style to him that I liked. He served his villainous duties well. Arnim Zola was fun too! A nice sort of cameo. He played a good henchman. I was a little disappointed, though, in the lack of Nazis. Cap and his group only went after Hydra. Sure they were a branch of the Nazis, but they were Hydra. Which means that Capt’s entire WWII career had him fighting Hydra, not the Nazis. That kind of sucks.
We don't need no stinkin' Furher!
So this brings me to what didn’t work in the movie – the editing. This is a weird claim to make, but hopefully I can explain how I feel. The movie is fine, it’s better than fine. It’s a good movie. The characters are great, the story is great, the action and set pieces are great – but the movie never seems to live up to the potential that it sets for itself. It never punches through that last barrier to being a truly spectacular and awesome movie. As we neared the end, it felt like the movie had barely even begun. The climax didn’t feel like a climax, it didn’t feel epic enough. It was everything I wanted in a Captain America movie, yet I kept thinking that I wanted more.
And for this I blame the editing. Scenes weren’t allowed to stretch or get comfortable. They cut too quickly to the next scene, the next moment, even the next line. There was a line from Erskine in the trailer, “Stay who you are: not just a soldier, but a good man.” For some reason, both the trailer and the movie cut between the words ‘good’ and ‘man’. It’s a great line, and it’s read brilliantly by Tucci, but the movie drops the ball by editing the line! Let the line flow!
Then when they introduce Cap’s new costume, it’s done in a poorly made montage. Rather than a cool reveal, he just sort of starts walking around in it as part of a montage set to terrible montage music. You need good, strong, catchy music for a montage. This one just felt awkward as Cap and his pals destroyed some Hydra bases. Parts of it looked cool, but it lacked a full, exciting feeling. The whole movie kind of did.
Oh, and I didn’t like the ending. Waking up in the present day, running into Time Square and meeting Nick Fury was far, far too rushed. They didn’t even explain that he was frozen in the ice all that time. That whole scene should have been given a lot more time to grow. It should have been fleshed out a lot more.
Captain America: The First Avenger was good, but it wasn’t fist-pumping, edge of my seat good. I kind of wanted to fist-pump.
Stilt-Man Returns! Sort of!
This is my first blog post about the San Diego Comic-Con and the various news pouring out of it. There will be a new series this fall from Marvel called Villains For Hire. While the name sure rings a bell, the real treat from this cover is that some version of Stilt-Man will appear! That’s fantastic news! Stilt-Man is one of my all time favorite dorky super-villains! So seeing him back in comics definitely earns that title a ‘buy’ from me.
I’m curious to see who it will be. The original Stilt-Man, Wilber Day, is dead, and then there was Lady Stilt-Man. I bet it will be someone new in the suit. Basically his ‘power’ is that he built a robotic suit (like Iron Man) with long, telescoping stilt-legs! Comics!
Stilt-Man! There in the back.
I once had a cool comic idea for Stilt-Man. He’d basically be a Jason Bourne figure who lost his memory and resorted to his base knowledge and instincts. I figure Stilt-Man would have some skill in weaponry, engineering and super science. He could be pretty badass. Then as the series progressed, he’d slowly regain his memory and learn that he’s Stilt-Man, one of the dorkiest super-villains in the Marvel Universe. Then he’d be torn between his old life and his new life!
I’m thinking I should start posting more of my comic ideas on this blog. Might be fun to see what people think.
