The Man Who Would Be Emperor
Gather ’round, my readers, and I will tell you the tale of an unsung American legend. About a man who would be king and the city that played along. His name was Joshua Abraham Norton, and he was the first and only Emperor of these United States.
Fear not the fall of democracy, for Emperor Norton I was a self-proclaimed monarch. Penniless, homeless and more than a little crazy, Norton ruled only so far as the citizens of San Francisco in the mid-1800s would indulge. But therein lies the magic of this one man’s life: the people did indulge. This story is all true. The man was very real.
And all of it’s amazing.
Emperor Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico
In September 1959, Joshua Norton issued a royal proclamation on the streets of San Francisco that declared him Emperor of the United States. The written proclamation requested that the heads of all the states meet downtown to discuss where the country would go from there. Craziness, sure, but some rather influential people decided to take it a bit further. Seeking a bit of humor in the face of frequent bad news, an editor at the San Francisco Bulletin decided to print the proclamation in full on the front page.
And so an emperor was crowned.
Norton was no one special. Born in England, he spent much of his life in South Africa before coming to California and losing all of his money on rice. He disappeared for a short time, then returned to San Francisco as the Emperor. Following his initial proclamation, Norton continued to issue royal decrees. He ordered the Army to forcibly remove Congress, since the country no longer needed a legislature under his rule. And he ordered the Catholic and Protestant churches to ordain him Emperor. He forbade further use of the nickname ‘Frisco’ for the city. And he demanded they build a bridge across the bay between San Francisco and Oakland.
That last one, at least, came true about 100 years later.
The people came to love and regard their emperor. If one passed him on the street, they were to greet, “Good day, your highness,” and he would respond in kind. He ate in the finest restaurants, free of charge, and was reserved the nicest seats at shows and plays. When he started printing off his own money, it was accepted as real currency by local bars and shops. Now it’s a collectors item. A nearby Army unit gave him a uniform, and Norton wore a hat adorned with a peacock feather. He wandered the streets inspecting public buildings and transportation features, and gave lectures to anyone wandering by in earshot.
In one more famous encounter, Emperor Norton positioned himself between innocent Chinese citizens and anti-Chinese rioters. Legend has it that he simply recited the Lord’s Prayer until the violence dispersed.
What about the authorities? Why didn’t they arrest this crazy man? Well they tried. In 1867, Police Officer Armand Barbier took Norton into custody to try and get him committed for his craziness. So outraged were the people and newspapers of San Francisco that the police chief dropped all charges and issued a formal apology to the Emperor, writing, “that he had shed no blood; robbed no one; and despoiled no country; which is more than can be said of his fellows in that line.”
From then on, all police officers saluted Emperor Norton when he passed. And the Emperor graciously pardoned Officer Barbier.
But all good things must come to an end. Emperor Norton died in the gutter on Jan. 8, 1880. Those nearby rushed to his aid, but he passed before he could be hospitalized. Word spread far and wide: “The King is Dead”.
Between 10,000 and 30,000 people lined the streets of San Francisco for Emperor Norton’s funeral. Funds were raised to give him a proper, respectable coffin rather than the pauper’s grave he would have otherwise received. Eventually the Emperor’s body was moved to a nearby town, like a lot of cemeteries at the time. I visited the grave recently on my trip to San Francisco.
A friend of mine once wrote a story on the Emperor for the San Francisco Chronicle, interviewing several people about the man and his ongoing legend. The article is available here. He ended it with a quote that he called the greatest quote he ever received as a reporter.
“He marched to his own drummer. And everybody else pretended they could hear the music, just because they wanted to be part of the band.”
California, There I Went – and It Was a Blast!
California is freakin’ awesome! The weather, the people, the sights, the malls; all of it turned out to be fantastic! I just got back a few days ago from a vacation to San Francisco to be in my cousin’s wedding, and the trip was amazing. Worth every expense. I’ve come back with a ton of fond memories and an eagerness to go back some day.
Which is great, considering I may not have gone at all if my cousin Tyson and his fiancee Jessica hadn’t asked me to be a groomsman.
So apologies to any of my blog fans who stumbled upon my site about movie reviews and geeky news. It’s time to break the Fourth Wall a little with an entry about my real life and the trip I just took. It’s the only thing I’ve been up to for the past week anyway. We can get back to the other stuff soon enough. But first, let’s look into the Wild World of Sean.
Family History and a Bit of Background:
Tyson is my first cousin on my father’s side and we grew up together on our grandparents’ farm in Central New York, with my little brother filling in the third slot of our Three Amigos. Tyson was only a year ahead of me in school, so we’re very close age-wise. Close enough that we rode bikes together, played with He-Man toys together and got up to the usual kid mischief together. I’ve always considered Tyson to be the older brother I never had. I remember asking him once when we were young, as we walked across the yard to get the mail, why he hated me. I don’t remember why I thought he hated me, but Tyson explained that I was like a little brother to him, and big brothers always give their little brothers a hard time. I don’t recall if I carried this line of thought over to my own little brother.
But we all eventually grew up, moved away to college and I see Tyson only a few times a year – like I do most other family members.
So it was a surprise when I got the telephone call from Tyson out of the blue where has asked me to be in his wedding.
This guy, this is the guy
Tyson met Jessica in college (Harvard University, cough cough) almost 10 years ago, and the two have been together ever since. I forget the first time I met Jessica, or even heard about her. But pretty soon she was just a part of family visits, whenever she could make it out to Central New York from her home in San Francisco. She didn’t make it to our annual Christmas get-togethers, but she was there during summer visits and some other holidays. Nice girl, very friendly; she became a fixture and it was pretty clear after a few years that she and Tyson were getting quite serious. But they were both very career-minded. I regret now that I never spent much time getting to know Jessica during any of her visits, other than casual small talk. My loss.
But apparently I made enough of an impression that the two of them asked me to be in their wedding.
I didn’t expect it, considering how little I knew of Jessica and how little I saw of Tyson over the past few years. Tyson explained it to me over the phone that, in thinking back, he’d realized that he and I were probably each other’s first friends, considering we were likely playing together before we could speak. It was a nice thought, and one I’d never really considered. So of course I said I’d be honored to be a groomsman. Being something of a self-conscious guy, it’s always cool to learn I matter enough to someone that they’d consider me for something like this. I wanted to ask Tyson what went into picking me considering he had 5 other groomsmen, but it seemed far too selfish a thing to do during his wedding weekend. Maybe I’ll pick his brain someday, just out of curiosity.
I had wanted to attend their wedding anyway, but in hindsight, had I not been asked to be a groomsman, I probably would have politely declined the trip as just a regular guest. That sounds kind of mean to say, but it’s expensive to fly out to California, even for only a few days. And I can be kind of stingy and foolish like that. I probably would have looked into plane tickets and how to get there, saw the price, and turned it all down in the end.
Which would have been a dumb move. But I was in and eager to go!
San Francisco, Here I Come!
I left super-early on Wednesday, Aug. 10, taking an almost direct flight from Syracuse, NY to San Francisco, CA. The plan was to catch an early flight and sleep most of the way, and it worked! I was unconscious for most of the long flight, and those times when I was awake I read the latest Repairman Jack novel. Which is too bad, considering I’d loaded my carry-on bag with novels, comic books and video games for the long trip.
The wedding was to be on Friday, Aug. 12, and quite frankly, I did very little planning for this trip. I knew I’d be arriving around lunchtime on Wednesday, and my first plan was just to wing it. I sort of figured I’d take a cab from the airport to San Francisco, bum around the city all day Wednesday, randomly find a hotel for the night and then take a cab out to the site of the actual wedding a few miles away in Palo Alto the next morning. Dumb idea. What the Hell was I thinking? I have little to no actual experience traversing a big city, especially on my own. And I’ve never just randomly found a hotel for the night. Who knows what it could have cost?
Thankfully, Tyson and his bride-to-be were there to help me out.
Not like they had anything else to worry about that week...
We arranged before I left that he and Jessica could pick me up at the airport since they’d be in the area. That meant I could go with Tyson and a few other groomsmen to pick up our tuxedos. Tyson and Jessica also knew a lot more about San Francisco than I did, so they were able to provide me with not only a map and a few key places to see in the city, but also an inexpensive way to get from Palo Alto to San Fran and a free place to stay Wednesday night.
I was rooming with the best man, Christopher McCormick, but the hotel reservations in Palo Alto weren’t until Thursday night. Somehow word made it through the grapevine that I had nowhere to stay Wednesday night, so Jessica’s parents offered me their house in San Francisco. Just like that! They were going to be in the hotel Wednesday night, so their house was open. I jumped at the offer. It also gave me the chance to meet Jessica’s brother Matt and his wife Kim, who would also be staying the night.
I gotta say, Jessica’s family were some of the nicest people ever. Her parents, Don and Kathy, were so nice, helpful and accommodating to offer me, a complete stranger, a place to stay. They were friendly at every turn, eager to just hang out and chat and get to know a schlub like me. And Matt and Kim were equally friendly, welcoming me into the home Wednesday night and setting me up with a bedroom and whatnot.
Not only that, but they were willing to leave a few hours earlier than planned Thursday morning just to take me to the grave of Emperor Norton I, the first and only Emperor of the United States.
In hindsight, I should have at least worn pants
I plan to do another blog post on Emperor Norton shortly, to give you all the full story. But in short, he was a somewhat crazy local legend in San Francisco in the mid-1800s who declared himself Emperor of the United States. And people indulged his insane hobo-ideas! It’s a wonderfully brilliant story of American history, and it’s all true.
So Matt and Kim took me to the grave Thursday morning. Matt, who was also a newspaper reporter once, had done a story on the Emperor, which I’ll include in my future Norton post. So he told me all about the guy, and we chatted about the works of novelist Christopher Moore, who used the Emperor as a character, as well as comparing tales of newspaper journalism. Again, very friendly people. Everyone I met from Jessica’s side of the family was super nice.
But before I get ahead of myself, you may like to hear about my actual visit to the City of San Francisco. I stayed with Matt and Kim Wednesday night, but Wednesday afternoon was spent wandering the streets of a city I only knew from Full House.
Like I said, Tyson and Jessica had given me a few ideal places to visit on my trip. I took the train from Palo Alto to San Fran, which let me off near Giants’ Stadium in the southern part of the city. Then I walked. Let me tell you, I am not a walker. I’m trying to do more of it, but I hadn’t even gotten close to my goal of preparation walking. Still, I was not to be deterred, and so I set out with my luggage on my back and map in hand to see the sights! I started walking past the stadium and around the southern edge of the bay. I cut through the city streets a bit to walk among the skyscrapers, and passed under the Bay Bridge.
I basically just did a lot of walking and wandering, seeing sights and taking a few pictures. I chatted with a nice lady who was visiting from New Jersey, and saw some people zip-lining over the city streets. I eventually caught a trolley from the bay to Chinatown in the central part of the city. It wasn’t the fun sort of jumping on a moving trolley, but by then my legs and feet were already too sore to try that sort of maneuver. I simply bought a ticket and went for a ride, ending up in Chintatown.
A nice couple I met on the trolley agreed to take the picture
I’m not much of a tourist. I’m not a stop and smell the roses kind of guy. I spend most of my days on the computer or playing video games, and I like that life. But it’s good to get out and see the world every now and then, which was half the purpose of this trip. So yes I wandered around Chinatown, but I doubt I really witnessed the essence of it or anything. I just sort of wandered, looked at the pretty sights and thought it was kind of cool to be there. I enjoyed myself, but I know I probably barely skimmed the surface of what it had to offer. No backroom games of high-stakes poker with one-eyed Chinese immigrants for me!
Likewise with Fisherman’s Wharf. I took another trolley up to the northern tip of the city, and by then I was definitely dead on my feet. It was dark, so I couldn’t see much. So I just walked/zombie-shuffled to what appeared to be the main area and got a fish dinner at the Fisherman’s Grotto. I’ll take their word for it that they’ve been a staple of that location for decades. Seemed legit.
It was getting dark out and I was tired
When I finished dinner, my plan was to trolley deeper into Union Square and find a taxi cab. But I was too damn tired. So I waited around Fisherman’s Wharf until I found taxi to take me to Jessica’s parents’ house just south of the city. It was only a $20 cab ride, so I was grateful. I found the place easily, was greeted warmly by Matt and Kim and I had a good night’s sleep in Jessica’s old room. I woke up all achy and stuff, but that was to be expected. The house was wall-to-wall books, which was kind of awesome. I also saw a bunch of John Grisham novels in Jessica’s room. He’s one of my favorite authors, and the one that got me into reading adult novels back when I was a teen-ager. I meant to ask her about this link we had in common, but never remembered. Maybe next time.
Pre-Wedding Festivities!
So after visiting Norton’s grave, Matt, Kim and I arrived at the hotel Thursday morning with wedding plans coming and going left and right. There were luncheons and airport visits and arriving guests. I had to go back to the tux shop to get a bigger coat (I know, I’m fat), and I also bought Tyson and Jessica a wedding present. I hope they like it! I visited with the various other Mills family members that had arrived, and eventually saw my parents and sister when they checked into their hotel room. I’d been in touch with them over the phone a bit on Wednesday, but now I got to see them and say ‘hello’. They took a train ride in, and I later chatted with them about how it went. I still have to ask how the train ride home was, my dad was looking forward to it and I hope it was a good trip.
I also randomly learned, in visiting with my parents, that I would have the important duty of escorting my grandmother to her seat in the wedding. My grandparents raised Tyson from when he was a iddle widdle boy, so she was essentially ‘mother’ of the groom. Apparently this had been decided months ago, but I first heard about walking grandma down the aisle in that short visit with my parents. That’s another thing I want to ask Tyson about someday, how it got arranged that I’d have that honor of escorting grandma to her seat. It’s a pretty big deal, and again, I’m always a bit eager to find out I’m well-regarded enough to be given such an important task.
Anyway, once all the groomsmen and bridesmaids were around, we all loaded up and took off to the Thomas Fogerty Winery for the rehearsal Thursday afternoon.
This view, this was the view
Tyson and Jessica literally had their wedding on top of a mountain, overlooking possibly the entire state of California. The view was that impressive. The picture does not do it justice. They had a little yard/grove at the winery with an awe-inspiring view.
So rehearsal went well. I’d been a groomsman before in my friend Joe’s wedding, so it was cool to be doing it again. I got to walk grandma to her seat, and I was teamed up with a beautiful bridesmaid when it came to walking out arm-in-arm at the end of the ceremony – Tyson and Jessica’s hot college friend Valerie. Another groomsman, Tyson’s 13-year-old nephew Kyle, had quickly developed a crush on Valerie, so I teased him throughout the week that I got to walk with her at the wedding. He’s right at the age of noticing girls, but is still far too shy to admit anything of the sort.
The rehearsal dinner was at a restaurant called Zibibbo near the hotel, and everybody was invited. I sat at the table of Tyson and Jessica’s college friends, along with my other cousin Heather and Jessica’s god-sister Jamie. Again, another super-friendly member of Jessica’s family. We made small talk and became friends, I’d like to think, while also chatting with the college gang about how Tyson and Jessica met and other stories. It was fun, and the dinner was nice. It was the typical fancy sort of food you get at these things. Would it be wrong to serve cheeseburgers and french fries at my wedding?
At the end of the reception, they played a Tyson and Jessica slideshow with pictures of them growing up and then as a couple. I’ll gladly admit that I spent most of it looking for pictures of myself as a little kid with Tyson. There were a few. I was an adorable blonde baby, and skinny. What the Hell happened as I grew up!?
That's the young me on the right, with blurry Tyson on the left
So the rehearsal went well, the rehearsal dinner was nice and afterwards a bunch of us hung out in the hotel bar just relaxing. I met one of Tyson’s co-workers who had flown in for the wedding, and his nice family. Some guy at the bar overheard us talking about my newspaper job in Rome, and he randomly introduced himself because he had gone to a nearby high school. He wasn’t there for a wedding, he was just a random hotel guest who even more randomly was from the same general neighborhood where I now live. Fun.
Jamie was there at the bar, as well as two other groomsmen: Chris and Tim Cobb. It was nice seeing those guys again, as I’m not sure the last time I’d ever seen them. They were childhood friends of Tyson’s, and I knew them back in school. Hard as it may be to believe, I was something of a dork throughout school. I’ve since embraced my dorkiness (hence the comic book-based blog at age 27), and can look back at my very dorky childhood as growing pains. Anyway, in fifth-grade I didn’t really have many friends of my own in my own grade, so I hung out with Tyson and his friends, specifically when finding a table to sit at during lunch. That’s where I got to know Chris and Tim, and then through various other times in and out of school when I hung out with Tyson. Tim was with us when we went skiing for a few years, and I joined Tyson and Chris for some community theater in high school.
Chris, Tim and I loading up into a van to do groomsman things
Good times, and good guys. So it was fun throughout the week catching up and chatting with them.
But eventually we had to go to sleep, with Tyson crashing in Chris and mine’s room on the night before his wedding. They took the ‘don’t see the bride on the day of your wedding’ tradition very seriously. Which is cool.
The Day of the Wedding!
So if you’re still reading after all this, good for you. We’ve finally reached the day of the wedding! As far as I know, everything went off perfectly. It was a beautiful wedding, the reception was perfect and the dance party was a blast.
I dragged myself out of bed at about 9 a.m. and joined Tyson and Chris for some breakfast by the pool. The Sheraton in Palo Alto had a nice pool, with a good lounge area right near both the bar and the restaurant. I didn’t have anything to do that day, so I tagged along with the two of them to a nearby mall for last minute buying of things. While the girls went through all the stressful hair, makeup and dress stuff, the men just went to the mall. And what a mall! You’ll find no better example of how great the weather is in California than the fact that they had an outdoor mall! It wasn’t an outlet mall like we’re used to here in Central New York, where you walk from shop to shop. This was a real mall with an inside and an outside, with hallways and branches and wings and the like. But there was no roof. It was all open, with a nice breeze, and the sun shining and the perfect weather.
Couldn't have this in a Central New York winter
With shopping done, we head back to the hotel for more general hanging out. I met some more of Tyson’s co-workers and college friends because we all just had some time to kill hanging out around the pool before the wedding. It was nice. I had a banana for lunch. Then at about 3 p.m., we groomsmen and other VIPs gathered together with our tuxes and hopped into a van to be taken up to the winery. We changed up there, did our best to avoid seeing the girls and basically hung out for awhile as we waited, joined by the male members of Jessica’s family. A few pre-wedding pictures were taken of Tyson and his groomsmen. There was even a short comedic break where the guys raided the winery lodge for something, anything that would open the beer bottles they brought us. I think they settled on a metal shoe horn after the tightly rolled paper towel didn’t work.
Then it was wedding time!
Behold my awesome MSPaint skills!
There ceremony was pretty damn awesome. Matt, Jessica’s other brother Sean and mine and Tyson’s Aunt Dawn all read nice pieces about love and relationships for the wedding. The weather was absolutely perfect. The judge did a great job officiating. The best part, of course, were the vows. Tyson and Jessica wrote their own vows, and both were filled with heart and character. As I said earlier, I never go to know Jessica all that well, let alone about her and Tyson’s relationship, but this was a nice little window into their love. I’ve known Tyson my whole life, and now I got to hear, in his own words, how his life was gloriously altered by his new wife.
They were adorable vows. Tyson’s was full of humor, about the trips they’d been on together, about how she made his days better and other stuff. I’m blanking on the details. I’m sure the vows were video-taped. Jessica also wrote a great set of vows, and she’d been worried about them earlier. I learned how Tyson convinced her to go on wild adventures, like zip-lining and snorkeling. So pretty cool stuff. There was a crow cawing during some parts of the wedding, but it wasn’t too much of annoyance (I hope) and the wedding planner eventually chased it off. So other than that, the wedding went off without a hitch!
And like I said, I got to walk in with grandma:
And walk out with Valerie:
So lucky me!
Also, the bride and groom looked pretty amazing too.
So I would declare it to be an awesome wedding! Afterwards we posed for the various pictures that they like to take at these sorts of events. Lots of family pictures of varying degrees and groups. I didn’t mind. It was nice to get in the shade after standing out in the hot sun while lined up. Not that it was too hot, what with the nice weather. Still, a breeze came along once the wedding was over that helped things out nicely. We took a lot of pictures and eventually everybody moved down a level to get cocktails at the winery lodge, and then moved into the dinner area for the reception.
At one point I went back up to the wedding site to grab the gift I’d brought for the couple – only to be recruited by the wedding planner to help carrying the wedding arch down to place behind Tyson and Jessica’s dinner table. So me and a bunch of waiters carried the various pieces of the arch down several flights of stairs. Just sort of a weird interlude during the festivities.
Dinner was great. I forget what I’d ordered on the invitation, but I decided on a whim to ask the waiters for the kids’ meal. They were serving chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese for the kids, and I wanted some of that. In hindsight, that was a very silly thing to do, since the beef and mashed potatoes looked really good. Still, the chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese was good too! So there.
Chris read a great toast as best man, as did Jessica’s sister Rachel as Matron of Honor. Everybody’s toasts and vows were pretty awesome. I sat with my dad, Larry, Dawn and Kyle at the reception after a few of us switched seats. Nice meal, nice reception, all well and good. I took a seat in the photobooth they’d set up, and gave them to my grandmother and mother because grandma had requested the photobooth shots. If I had a copy, I’d post them here. I think they turned out well.
Then on to the dancing!
Jess' god-sister Jamie tearing up the dance floor
First they cut the cake, and both Jessica and her parents gave a toast. They thanked my grandmother for raising such a wonderful Tyson, and it was great seeing grandma glowing with pride. Then they had the first dance between husband and wife, which was nice. Then Jessica and her father really cut a rug to some swing music. Bride/Father swing-dancing is one of my favorite wedding moments. Anyone gutsy enough to pull it off is awesome, and Jessica and her dad were fantastic.
I danced with Jamie a few times, the god-sister I met at the reception dinner, so I get to say I wasn’t a wallflower and slow-danced with a pretty girl. And I spent some time continuing to tease Kyle that he was too shy to ask Valerie for a dance. Good times. Unfortunately, since everybody took a shuttle up to the wedding, we all had to take a shuttle back to the hotel. And the only shuttles left at 10 p.m. So there was only about an hour and a half left in the evening to dance. That turned out to be plenty of time, but still it seemed to cut the party short. Those kids could have danced all night long!
Those kids were crazy - crazy on the dance floor, that is!
The wedding ended with all the guests lining one of the winery’s walkways with super long sparklers, and then the bride and groom running through the tunnel of sparklers. Then the photographers made them walk back down through the tunnel of sparklers, then run back up the path again. Way to stretch out the moment, photogs.
So everybody piled into the shuttles and we rode back down to the hotel. Tyson announced an after-party at the hotel bar again, and a lot of people just hung out chatting, drinking, smoking cigars and unwinding after a long day. It was pretty cool. Tyson’s co-workers from his Boston law firm convince him to go swimming at about midnight, and he does – though the 6 or so of us other guys who agreed to jump in with him did not go swimming too. I still had my tux on, after all. My feet were killing me so I just sat down and chilled during all the festivities. And eventually everyone went to sleep.
For reasons that remain strange to me, I booked a 6 a.m. flight the following morning back to New York. I think my plan was to get home at a reasonable hour Saturday night, and that worked out since I’ve had the past two days off to finish out my vacation with some relaxation. But that meant I had to miss the 11 a.m. family BBQ at the hotel Saturday morning, and getting about three hours of sleep after the wedding, taking no shower in the morning and then paying $50 to take a 4 a.m. shuttle to the airport. I would have liked to have been at the BBQ, and had Saturday to relax instead of in airports all day. Oh well. I made it through the lines and got on my plane – then thankfully slept for the entire 5-hour flight to Philadelphia. Then I slept on the one-hour delay on the runway, and the one-hour flight home to Syracuse.
Only to find out that my car had died.
I think I may have left an overhead light on in my car, and it was dead as a stone in the airport parking garage. It was so dead that the automatic door unlock button on my key didn’t work, and the car’s clock had reset to 12:00. So here I was, having slept for the past 7 or 8 hours in an airplane, hadn’t showered since before the wedding and was aching all over from all the physical activity of the week, and I can’t go home. I can’t do anything, I have no car. Panic starts to set in, so I call AAA and they send out a guy. Thank the stars that he’s able to jump-start the car. It was just a dead battery. The car starts and I drive home, two hours later than I’d planned because of airplane delays and a dead car.
But I make it home, I kick up my feet and I relax. I upload all of my photos from my camera for the week and get them off to Tyson and Jessica Saturday night so they and everyone else can enjoy them before they leave on their honeymoon.
It was an awesome trip! California was great, with perfect weather. San Francisco was a fun place to wander around in, seeing a few sites and people. It was a blast to spend time with Tyson and my family, and getting to meet Jessica’s family was a real treat. Enough nice words can not be said for how awesome and friendly the Stannard-Friels were. It’s a shame that I probably have no reason to ever see them again. But cool for Tyson that he has awesome in-laws. I can try to Facebook a few of them at least.
The wedding was great, the bride was beautiful and the groom was Tyson. What more needs to be said?
Awesome, awesome vacation.
6 Greatest Henchmen of All Time
It’s about time this blog got around to more actual henchmen fun! I named my blog Henchman-4-Hire for a reason, to revel in the world of minions and middle class super-villainy. These are the sorts of characters I enjoy, much more so than the actual bad guys. The henchmen are just more fun! They do all the dirty work. They get to be where the action is, while their bosses sit up and wait for the final act. Sometimes it’s the henchmen who actually get to develop as characters, because like the hero, the villain is rather static. And sometimes the henchmen are just there as a warm-up act for the hero.
They die inglorious deaths. They never get the girl. Often they’re killed by their own bosses. But still they can become as beloved as the villains themselves.
This is a list of the 6 greatest henchmen in pop culture. From comics to movies to TV, who are the best minions and right-hand men and women? Some of the choices are just my opinion, and just on here for fun. Others have taken the role of henchperson and made something special out of it. There have been tons of henchmen over the years, but these 6, I think, are some of the most memorable. They’ve really made a mark on pop culture.
For the purposes of this list, we’ll focus on individuals rather than entire groups of henchmen. And I’m only choosing characters who are clearly subservient to a lead villain. Sure, Darth Vader followed the Emperor, but Vader was first and foremost the lead villain (or hero of the Star Wars saga, give or take a trilogy).
Now let’s get started!
Honorable mention: Bob, Agent of HYDRA
Bob, Agent of HYDRA
I wanted to put Bob on this list, but in the end, he simply hasn’t made any sort of mark on pop culture. Besides, he’s become more of a sidekick than a henchman. The reason I’m putting him as an honorable mention is to reveal, once and for all, the identity of the grinning, thumbs-upping image on the front page of this blog. It’s Bob, Agent of HYDRA! Someday I hope to commission an original and unique Henchman for my site, but for now, Bob is filling in.
Bob became an agent of the evil terrorist organization HYDRA because he was looking for a steady job and wanted the dental plan. Eventually he ran into the merc with a mouth, Deadpool, and was coerced into helping Deadpool flee the HYDRA compound. From then on, Bob became Deadpool’s sidekick and was no longer really one of the nameless, faceless henchmen of HYDRA.
Still, I highly salute the idea of taking one of those nameless, faceless henchmen and turning him into an actual character! In fact, that idea pops up later on this list…
6. Bebop and Rocksteady
Large and in charge
The classic blundering oaf henchmen, Bebop and Rocksteady are the minions of the Shredder and the sworn enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. A mutant warthog and rhino, they were more a comedy duo than an actual menace. But that wasn’t always the case. In the first few episodes of the Ninja Turtles cartoon, these two were actually kind of badass. They were bigger and stronger than the turtles, and they used machine guns. Sure, guns weren’t honorable, but who needs honor? Point was they were an actual threat. But the Turtles kicked their butts easily. Still, Bebop and Rocksteady were so much fun that they stuck around. They could be quite funny.
Their designs are so wonderfully unique. Whereas the Turtles were simple and clean, with matching colored masks and bands, Bebop and Rocksteady couldn’t be more different. Their bodies were oddly shaped and grotesque, covered in hair and warts. Their voices were almost sickly in their awesomeness. They even sounded stupid. And they wore actual clothes. The two had more modesty than the mostly naked Turtles, it seems. Bebop is the 80s punk rocker, and Rocksteady the militaristic gun-nut. Though I can’ t remember if either personality was explored beyond just the look. Maybe Bebop had a boombox with him at some point.
The two were great henchmen because they were loyal and could be put to good use with menial labor. They were great and memorable characters because they were funny, uniquely designed and there was always the far-reaching possibility that they might actually win this time. Heck, they found the Turtles’ secret sewer lair that one time. That’s gotta count for something.
5. Muttley
HeeHeeHee
Everybody loves Muttley! Or at least his laugh. Hopefully I’m not dating myself too badly for all the youngsters out there who read my blog, but Muttley was the henchman of Dick Dastardly, creating a classic Hanna-Barbera villain pair. They first appeared in as the villains in Wacky Races in 1968, and went on to star in their own spin-off: Dastardly and Muttley in their Flying Machines. They were World War I Axis pilots trying to kill an Allied carrier pigeon. They chased that pigeon just like Wile E. Coyote chased the Roadrunner, with wacky planes and hijinks. Sort of like how all old cartoons involved chasing to some variety. And it had a great theme song!
Muttley is a great henchman because of his laugh. Everybody remembers that laugh. He couldn’t talk, not even in typical old cartoony doggie speak, but he was nonetheless anthropomorphic. Essentially a little hairy human. It was that laugh, that snicker, that makes him memorable. Uniquely his own and wickedly fun. Definitely a bad guy’s laugh. He also grumbled, usually at Dastardly’s expense. As loyal as Muttley was, he still found it hilarious when Dick failed to catch that pigeon.
In Wacky Races, the pair drove the Mean Machine. It was a purple death rocket-car, with appropriately sinister-looking bat wing spoilers. I can’t remember if they ever won any of the races or not. Surely they must have gotten on big W.
4. Oddjob
Fear the hat
Flying bowler hats! Movie henchmen don’t get any more menacing or memorable than Oddjob from James Bond’s Goldfinger. Voiceless, ruthless and more than a match for Bond in hand-to-hand fighting, Oddjob was the villainous Goldfinger’s go-to guy for all that bad guy stuff. He knocked out Bond and killed that one chick by covering her skin with gold paint. Now that’s a badass and stylish way to kill somebody. It’s not often that fiendish death-traps actually work. Oddjob is the poster boy for menacing right-hand-man. He was mute (except for a few grunts), did as he was told and actually posed a challenge to Bond – and we’re talking Connery’s Bond.
And if we’re talking about stylish ways to kill somebody, it doesn’t get cooler than a flying, deadly bowler hat. Sure he’s a good fighter and stood up to the worst that Bond could throw at him, but the man knows classy. A deadly bowler hat is both stylish and memorable. Oddjob made one appearance in one film, but that bowler hat has survived through the ages. It’s been parodied in everything from Austin Powers to Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers. They even tested his hat-throwing style on Mythbusters! The James Bond series gave the cinema world its best henchmen, and Oddjob stands above them all as one badass mofo.
3. Starcream
He turns into a jet!
Starscream may have been Megatron’s right-hand-bot in the original Transformers cartoon, but he’s more famous for always trying to overthrow his boss and take his job. He’s sycophantic only when it suits him, and power hungry the rest of the time. Those qualities were so memorable from the original cartoon that Starscream was one of the few Decepticons in the modern Transformers movies who actually got a name and made return appearances. I think we can all agree that Michael Bay didn’t really care too much about the personalities of the Transformer characters in his movies, let alone how they connected with the original cartoon. But Starscream is so well known in his role as henchman that he’s one of the few Transformers to maintain his own familiar personality. Now that’s staying power.
Starscream has had a number of different versions over the years since Transformers keeps getting rebooted in cartoon after cartoon. But all of his versions usually share the desire to usurp Megatron and become leader of the Decepticons. Starscream believes more in trickery and guile than brute force, and he feels he is vastly superior to Megatron. Still, he’s usually in the subservient role. Even sarcastically sometimes, since he rarely hides his desire to take over. But Megatron knows not to fear Starscream, since Starscream will always toe the line – at least until he is 100% sure that it’s his moment. That’s happened a few times over the years, for a story or two, but most of the time Starscream is the lead henchman.
2. Henchmen #21 and #24
Skinny Henchman #24 and tubby Henchman #21
Henchman #21, and to a lesser extent his pal #24, have raised the role of henching to an art form. Not only are they the inspiration for this site’s name, but I’ve actually cosplayed as Henchman #21 at a few comic book conventions. They are hilarious. The Henchmen are supporting characters in the cartoon The Venture Bros., a modern day parody/satire of the old Johnny Quest adventure show. The lead villain on The Venture Bros. is the Monarch, and he has a whole army of butterfy-themed henchmen to carry out his nefarious plans. Just like Bond villains have whole armies of nameless, faceless henchmen (also like HYDRA), the Monarch has his own. Henchmen #21 and #24 started out as just two of many, guys who treat ‘henching’ as something of a 9 to 5 job. That’s where the humor lies.
Check out this brilliant scene of what it’s like to get ready for work.
They’re schlubs whose day job is to dress up like butterfly-men and do their master’s dirty work. One of the humorous aspects of villainy in The Venture Bros. is that there is a rulebook and a supervising agency. There are rules for ‘henching’, rules that must be followed. The two guys have to be loyal to their leader, know what he wants them to do before he does and carry out his orders without question. But they also complain about their uncomfortable costumes, the low pay and the fact that they get beat up by the good guys every time. It’s a brilliantly hilarious satire of what it might really be like to work as one of these super-villain’s henchmen.
Season Three's new and improved Henchman #21
And what’s great about these characters is that they’re not being made fun of on the show. Yes they are comedic characters who have silly lives, but the show’s creators treat them with a lot of respect. They know, to some extent, that what they’re doing is silly. But they embrace it whole-heartedly with the love of a true geek. Henchmen 21 and 24 are fully-rounded characters, with hopes, dreams, fears and everything else one might need in life. And when #24 unceremoniously leaves the show at the end of Season Two, #21 has a real emotional reaction. He buffs up and becomes the badass henchman in that picture I posted. They may just be part of the nameless, faceless crowd, but Henchmen 21 and 24 are treated like real people, and the show is more hilarious for that.
The two may not be very well known (though Venture Bros. popularity is growing), but for their contributions to the world of henchmen they deserve the second spot.
While the fanboy in me would like to give them the No. 1 slot, the real choice is by far the greatest henchperson of all time!
1. Harley Quinn
Bang! Bang! My baby shot me down...
Our own Miss Harley Quinn. The Lady in Red and Black. The single greatest henchperson ever. Just look at that smile, those colors; remember that voice that was so squeaky and yet so awesome at the same time. Harley Quinn is a model that all henchmen should aspire too. Because unlike most other henchmen and women out there – and the reason why she is No. 1 – Harley Quinn has actually equaled, if not surpassed, the popularity of her boss. So much so that in both comics and cartoons, Harley Quinn has a life and stories all her own. She has become a solid, well-rounded character completely separate from her role as henchwoman, but she will forever be known as the Joker’s girl.
Harley Quinn made her debut in an episode of Batman: The Animated Series in the mid-90s. She was created for the show to be the Joker’s henchgirl. Everybody knows the Joker. The Dark Knight is one of the highest grossing movies of all time, and Heath Ledger won that post-humous Oscar for the role. Well the Joker was a big villain in Batman: The Animated Series, and writer Paul Dini needed someone to help Joker with a scheme. He got college pal Arleen Sorkin to do the voice, and gave Harley some of Sorkin’s character traits. The costume and name are, of course, taken from the old timey harlequin characters; which is a great touch, since she’s not just Joker Girl or something lame.
Like how Batman has Robin instead of just Batboy.
From that one appearance, Harley Quinn was a huge hit with the fans! She’s funny and fun, and Sorkin has such an amazing and unique voice for the character. Harley was the Joker’s long-suffering girlfriend. Joker treated her like crap, but she’s psychotically devoted to him like a lovesick puppy. It would be sad and tragic in real life, and sometimes it was in the cartoon too, but it’s mostly played for laughs. There was always a sense that maybe, just maybe, Harley wasn’t just a sycophantic freak. That she had her own personality just below the surface, one that didn’t like how the Joker treated her. That made her immensely sympathetic to the viewer. Still, episode after episode, she worked side-by-side with the Joker, doing his dirty work and often falling victim to some of his practical jokes. She was a great henchperson.
A match made in Hell
Harley became so popular with the fans that she eventually made the jump from the cartoon to the comics. First was’ Mad Love’, written and drawn by Dini and Bruce Timm, the lead designer/producer of the show. It told the tragic origin of how Dr. Harleen Quinzel was the Joker’s psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum, and how he played to her sympathies with fake stories of his childhood, eventually getting her to fall in love with him and help him escape. From then on she was hooked! ‘Mad Love’ was a huge success, and it wasn’t long before Harley appeared in the actual Batman comic books. She kept the same origin and costume, she just started appearing alongside the Joker as his henchgirl in the normal comics continuity. People loved her!
She even got her own ongoing comic book for awhile. It ran for 38 issues.
Harley was so popular that she was going to be one of the villains in the proposed fifth Batman movie from the mid-90s. Remember Batman Forever and Batman and Robin, those horrible bombs that killed the franchise? Well Hollywood was planning a fifth: Batman Triumphant. Harley was going to be one of the villains, re-written as the Joker’s daughter come back for revenge. But the incredibly negative reaction to Batman and Robin sunk Batman Triumphant before it ever went into production. We know Harley was going to be a villain because a script was written that would have teamed with her Scarecrow and possibly Man-Bat. She coulda been a star!
Instead, it was the cartoon episode ‘Harley and Ivy’ that really upped Harley’s profile.
A match made in fanboys' wet dreams
In the episode, Harley is kicked out of their lair by an angry Joker. Alone, Harley runs into fellow Bat-villain Poison Ivy and the two team-up in a Girl Power sort of crime spree. Poison Ivy was a well-established Bat-villain at the time, both in the cartoon and in the comics. But some genius at Batman: The Animated Series (Dini again, I believe) decided to team the two female characters up for an episode like Thelma & Louise. The pair were an immediate hit! Soon Harley and Ivy were teaming up in the comics, and their friendship became something unique among villains. They really were friends. They didn’t just stab each other in the back. Suddenly Harley had a life outside of the Joker. Soon, both in the cartoon and the comic, she’s going on solo adventures and openly opposing the Joker at times.
And that’s why Harley Quinn is the greatest henchperson of all time. Created as a one-off character for a single episode, she soon sky-rockets in popularity until she had her own life, her own friends and her own stories completely free of her original boss. Yet she was never a bad henchperson. She wasn’t trying to usurp the Joker. In fact, she still loves him in that weird, twisted way of theirs. So she will always be linked to the Joker, always be his right-hand-lady. But she’s more than earned her own spot as one of Batman’s most popular villains.
Of course, with popularity comes bastardization.
What’s that? A writer has created a unique and excitingly fun character, with an awesome costume and style? And the fanboys love her? Hey marketing executives, what else do we think fanboys love? By jove, you’re right! Fanboys are just perverted fat guys living in their parents’ basements who only buy comics to look at the sexy women. Quick, somebody completely alter the wonderful Harley Quinn so that she’s nothing more than a hideous pin-up doll! Those perverts will love her even more now!
CLOTHING DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!
So what do you think of my list? Did I truly pick the 6 Greatest Henchmen of All Time? Did I miss any of your favorites? Let me hear about it in the comments!
World’s Greatest Dad
Whoa to be one of my future children, and the geeky things I will put them through and make them wear. But this father, found in a random picture on the Interwebs, has raised the bar. My hat is off to you, good sir. Check out this earlier blog post to see why this picture is so amazing.
Babies, Babies and more Babies!
I Am The Man Who Arranges the Blocks…
I’ve been holding on to this video for some time now, waiting for the right moment when my blog had a few readers who could really enjoy this fantastic song. This is quite possibly my absolute favorite video on Youtube. It’s a song about the history of Russia and the Soviet Union, set to the tune of that nation’s greatest export: Tetris.
Not only is it a history lesson, but it’s a brilliant song to boot!
