I’m a big fan of gritty reboots, and apparently so is Hollywood. They’re all the rage these days. And they’re the best way to keep a big time franchise alive. Want to find a way to make a whole new Spider-Man trilogy only a few years after the first one? Gritty reboot! Want to make Daniel Craig’s James Bond more appealing to modern movie audiences? Gritty reboot! Want to turn the silly, cartoony, 1980s Transformers into a modern, billion-dollar blockbuster franchise? Gritty reboot!

Gritty reboots are a Hollywood cure-all, and I think they can make for some really good stories.

Old Man Flanagan bought a lot of rubber zombie masks

The key to making a gritty reboot is to add realism to an otherwise preposterous story. Often these movies are more grim than their previous counterparts, but I don’t think ‘grim’ is a necessity. It’s all about realism. It’s the difference between the Avengers and the Ultimates. Between the campy, colorful madness of Batman and Robin and the dark, urban realism of Batman Begins.

This year, gritty reboots of Godzilla and the Ninja Turtles will be hitting the big screen. But there are still some properties out there that I think are ripe for a big, gritty, realistic return!

Join me after the jump for six franchises that could use a little more grit!

6. Masters of the Universe

Aren’t all skulls kind of gray?

Remember that gritty Conan the Barbarian reboot from a few years back? Yeah, me neither. But it happened, and I think it makes a perfect blueprint for a He-Man revival – just, you know, this time it would be good. He-Man might seem like a silly concept on the outside, but strip away the goofiness and you’ve got the story about a badass barbarian with a massive sword fighting an evil sorcerer with a skull for a face! Massive, muscly, badass barbarians will never go out of style, but what makes He-Man really special is the magical world he inhabits, filled with a vast, vast array of characters just waiting to be taken seriously.

Even Orko. Just don’t make him a Muppet.

He’s bringing ‘sorcerer’ back

I’m picturing Conan crossed with Lord of the Rings, where the villains are just as ugly and monstrous as the Uruk-hai, and the heroes are just as varied as Gandalf and Gimli. Characters like Beast Man, Ram Man, Trapjaw and Evil-Lynn could be turned into mighty warriors, fearsome and vicious, instead of colorful cartoon characters. Look at how much fun the G.I. Joe movies have had turning a varied group of colorful characters into realistic soldiers, who maintain their unique style even in the face of a modern makeover.

Hollywood tried to do this once before, and the original Masters of Evil film isn’t half bad. But modern Hollywood would be a little smarter about transforming He-Man into a viable world. Don’t cross over into the real world. Don’t fill the screen with silly muppets. Just create a larger-than-life barbarian warrior and put him up against bigger and badder heroes and villains. And don’t forget Battle Cat!

5. Super Mario Bros.

The life of an average plumber

There are a ton of grim and gritty Mario parodies on the Internet, but I’m not talking about any of those. I would like to see a new Mario Bros. video game with a realistic twist, set in some kind of approximation of a real world setting. Take all of Mario’s classic elements like fire flowers, 1ups, the Princess, King Koopa, the brothers being plumbers, and create a new game that might have more in common with Grand Theft Auto or Final Fantasy than the typically colorful jumpfests that are Mario games.

I know what you’re thinking; this sounds a lot like the Super Mario Bros. movie, and it probably does. But just because a bunch of morons made that movie doesn’t mean somebody with some real creative vision couldn’t do a much better job. Super Mario games are a staple of video game history, but there are so many that come out every year. Why not try something a little different at least once? There have been both cartoony and serious Legend of Zelda games. Final Fantasy’s graphics and settings have only become more realistic since the spritely days of yore.  I’d like to see Nintendo try out the same thing with Mario, Luigi and the whole gang.

The game would probably be a flop, and anger the fans, but I’d still like to see them try!

4. Dino-Riders

This should be in the Louvre

Does anybody else remember Dino-Riders? Oh man, I loved Dino-Riders as a kid! They were some of the greatest toys ever produced! There was a dinky 14-episode cartoon show, but did anybody in the world ever even see it? I don’t think I ever did, but I can still remember going gaga for those amazing toys. Just look at that picture and tell me Dino-Riders wasn’t the greatest idea ever conceived?

Take dinosaurs, which are already the coolest thing in history, and then give them cyborg armor attachments to turn them into biological tanks! Then come up with a flimsy storyline starring good guys and bad guys who then ride those dinosaurs into battle! The old toyline had some insanity about Valorians vs. Rulons, but that’s just hot garbage. A gritty reboot could come up with any storyline they want, just as long as it featured heroes riding dinosaurs wearing armor and carrying rocket launchers and laser cannons on their backs.

Your new god

How is this not a thing already? How are we not marveling at a squad of heroes riding velociraptors like horses? Or pterodactyl jet fighters? Or the king of the bad guys riding his mega-armor T-Rex into battle?!

Instead, all we’re getting is some crummy Jurassic Park 4.

3. Captain Planet and the Planeteers

The environment is safe, mofos

Even though Avatar: The Last Airbender could probably qualify, I would still love to see a rebooted Captain Planet cartoon or movie that really pushed the realism. The original cartoon was campy as heck, but that just makes it perfect for a grittier re-imagining that really delves into the lives of the Planeteers and their mission. The environment is still in rough shape, and corporations have more power than ever before. We need some heroic young men and women who command the powers of the elements to save us!

And before you start whining, ‘Heart’ was definitely an element. Ma-ti controlled the wills of every living thing on the planet, including people. Ma-ti was clearly the secret weapon of the team, but the constraints of 1990s educational television kept him at bay.

He can peer into your very soul

Imagine the rest of the Planeteers really using their powers, like a Wheeler who is closer to the Human Torch, or a Gi who commands tidal waves! These characters are entrusted with great power, and in a gritty reboot, they don’t have to be the ‘golly gee shucks’ characters they were in the cartoon. They could struggle with real questions of power and responsibility. The fate of the entire world falls on their shoulders, the laws and corporate regulations of man be damned. That’s a lot of pressure.

And then Captain Planet himself could be…anything, really. A being of pure light. A legitimate superhero. A literal force of nature that saves the day in a climactic finale. An ideal gritty reboot would focus on the Planeteers, but when they do let their powers combine and summon Captain Planet, it has to be an Earth-shaking sort of event. The power of the whole world is in their hands!

2. Xena: Warrior Princess

Lucy Lawless has still got it

Camp is dead, and I am glad. Camp is the anti-thesis of everything good and exciting in the world of fiction. Camp gave us Batman and Robin. Realism gave us Batman Begins. The complete absence of camp is why all of these Marvel superhero movies are such a success. When you take these properties seriously, you can produce some truly exciting and monumental stories.

And there are few things more campy than Xena: Warrior Princess and its sister show, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

Man, those were some campy shows. They had their serious episodes, sure, and weren’t those some of the best episodes? But mostly, Xena and Hercules were silly, campy, kids shows full of pratfalls, juvenile humor and cheesy special effects. But they were also incredibly popular, and I am legitimately surprised that we haven’t seen Xena come back in some form or another. Hercules is already getting his gritty reboot, kind of, with that new Hercules movie starring the Rock later this summer – though I doubt it’s connected in any way to the Kevin Sorbo series of the 90s.

Once upon a time, Kevin Sorbo was king

But where is Xena’s return? Where is her re-imagining? I want to see Xena as a full-on barbarian warrior woman, a mix of Conan and Red Sonja, with a dash of 300 thrown in for good measure. I want to see Xena done in the style of Game of Thrones or Spartacus, fighting through the mud and the horror of a medieval world, but always coming out on top with a swing of her mighty sword and a fling of her chakram! And bring back all of her supporting characters. For once, Xena wouldn’t have to be coy about her relationship with her sidekick, Gabrielle. Villains like Ares and Callisto could be truly menacing. Even Joxer could be made to work. The show had a fun cast, and for its time, it worked. But the time has come for Xena to ride again. She was a great hero once, and she can be again.

1. Voltron

Cat-hands!

I want a gritty, live action Voltron movie. I can see it in my mind and I don’t know what to do to make it a reality. I know I’m not alone. Hollywood has been trying to get this film off the ground for years, with exactly the kind of gritty premise I want to see. But it hasn’t happened yet, and who knows if it ever will? All we can do is hold our breaths and hope. Because it would be amazing.

Just picture Transformers crossed with Pacific Rim, but without all of that hot mess Michael Bay grandeur. Who among us hash’t dreamed of jumping into the cockpit of a giant, powerful robot in order to save the world? But forget all of the racist, cartoony robots. Push aside that weird stuff in Pacific Rim where pilots had to mind meld. Voltron could be so much sweeter. Voltron could be the giant robot movie we’ve been waiting all our lives to see.

This.

It would be so simple, based around one easy concept: the Voltron lions as the next generation of military hardware. Imagine tanks and jet fighters that weren’t complicated, cumbersome machines, but were instead lithe, badass bots that could be controlled by a single, hardcore pilot. Imagine Voltron not as a bright, colorful, magical device, but as a real machine with real, working parts, and you have to buckle into the seat. Instead of bright, spandex costumes, the pilots wear real uniforms, based off real military designs.

I would personally stick relatively close to the classic Voltron, using the same characters, like Lance, Pidge and Princess Allura. Maybe even keep Voltron as a space entity. Maybe the planet Earth is threatened by some great alien force, and a Dirty Dozen-style team of talented misfits sets out to find a weapon that will save the planet. Make the journey as much about the characters as it is about the special effects, with a real focus on military duty and the importance of serving. Heck, let Michael Bay direct!

Voltron, treated like a real war movie, with a very personable cast, would be a dream come true.

I would also accept a gritty reboot of the Power Rangers.

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What gritty reboots would you like to see? The Scooby Doo gang in the zombie apocalypse? Care Bears with real bears? Put your creative minds to work, readers, and share some of your ideas in the comments!

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