Come on, DC! You should be trying harder to get me to buy your comics! Is it really so hard to tailor your line to fit the desires of this one blogger in Upstate New York? I shouldn’t think so!

Anyway, enough silliness. DC Comics announced today four new comic book series to join their New 52 lineup. And I simply don’t care about any of them, sorry. Not gonna buy them. Not gonna be surprised when they get cancelled.

Talon

1. Talon by writers Scott Snyder and James Tynion IV, with artist Guillem March.

“Meet Calvin Rose, the only Talon to ever escape the grasp of the Court of Owls. This former assassin of the Court is trying to live a normal life … but that’s impossible when he’s being hunted by his former masters!”

I’m pretty sure that Night of the Owls has been a big success across the Batman line, in no small part to the genius writing of Scott Snyder. Plus the Talons have a cool look. So it’s no surprise that DC would want to get something more out of that story. If I were going to buy any of these new comics, it would be this one. While the Talons have been dangerous foes so far, they are utterly lacking when it comes to personality. They all may have unique histories, but they all end up as just soulless assassins. Except for this guy, apparently. It’s also pretty cool that DC is trying to push a brand new superhero. Hopefully he’ll catch on.

Sword of Sorcery

2. Sword of Sorcery by writer Christy Marx, with artist Aaron Lopresti.

“Featuring the return of Amethyst, Amy Winston leads a strange life on the road with her mother and resents it. She’s about to learn it’s all been necessary when she discovers she’s the lost princess of Gemworld—and she’s being hunted by her murderous aunt. With a back-up story written by Tony Bedard with art by Jesus Saiz, set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, the monstrous warrior Beowulf is charged with finding and defeating the evil Grendel.”

What the blooming hell? Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld? Can people even pronounce that word properly? A little Wikipedia search revealed that this is based on an old series from back in the 1980s, which makes sense since she looks like Jem. But still, what an odd choice. I guess DC really wanted a sword & sorcery comic, and decided to kill two birds with one stone by going with a strong female protagonist. And it looks like a female writer too, so awesome with that. Maybe this one is worth a buy as well, if only to support the womenfolk. Still…odd choice.

Phantom Stranger

3. The Phantom Stranger by writer Dan DiDio, with artist Brent Anderson.

“Spinning out of his recent appearances in JUSTICE LEAGUE and DC’s Free Comic Book Day story, learn more about the true origin of The Phantom Stranger and his connection to the mysterious Pandora.”

For those of you who didn’t pick up DC”s Free Comic Book Day comic, we learned that the Phantom Stranger is actual Judas from the New Testament, the guy who betrayed Jesus for 40 pieces of silver. He’s been turned into the Phantom Stranger by the mystical powers that be as punishment. And Pandora is the little Pandora from the Greek myth of ‘Pandora’s Box’, blamed for opening the forbidden box and unleashing all the evils in the world. She too is being punished by those mystical powers that be. But I don’t care. I’ve never had any interest in the Phantom Stranger and I definitely don’t know. And I really, really don’t care about delving into the mysteries of the New 52 universe. No thank you.

Team 7

4. Team Seven by writer Justin Jordan, with artist Jesus Merino.

“Set in the early days of DC COMICS-THE NEW 52, threads of the entire DC Universe collide. As Superman emerges, so does the world’s counter measures against him and his kind. Team 7 is comprised of Dinah Lance, Amanda Waller, Steve Trevor, John Lynch, Alex Fairchild, Cole Cash and Slade Wilson — and their story will change everything you know about DC COMICS-THE NEW 52.”

I guess this is based on an old Wildstorm concept, rejiggered so as to include popular DC characters like Amanda Waller and Slade Wilson. Not to mention Dinah Lance, Black Canary, and Steve Trevor, who is serving as a liaison to the Justice League now. So the idea of putting all of them together onto some kind of anti-superhero team sounds intriguing, the fact that it’s set in the early days of the New 52 is a bad idea. The timeline of the New 52 is screwed up enough as it is, we don’t need a book mucking around with it even more. And it’s not like any of those characters are a big deal in the New 52. I know Deathstroke has his own comic, and Waller has shown up a few times, but was anybody really clamoring for their secret backstory? DC seems to think we all want to know the secret bits and pieces of how their new timeline works, whereas we’re all still waiting to find out the bigger picture!

Which I guess DC is also doing. In September, for the one year anniversary of the New 52, all the comics will tell a prequel story. How did our heroes get to where they are in the New 52? That kind of thing, with all of the issues numbered ‘zero’. Those could be fun to read.

Anyway, four new books. Some look potentially interesting, maybe. But mostly they look dull and boring. What do you guys think?

Also because DC is sticking to the number 52, that means four titles will be cancelled. We already know that Justice League International is getting the ax, but they haven’t revealed what else. It sounds kind of silly to be cancelling all these books so frequently, considering they already did this once back in the spring.

But then Jim Lee gave a quote to Newsarama about why they’re doing it, and now it makes sense to me.

We’re looking at the New 52 sort of from a TV model, in that every season, or every wave, we’ll be putting out new books that interject fresh material and new creative teams into the DCU.

So yeah, bringing in new blood more often instead of letting bad, poor-selling comics rot on the shelves. Makes sense to me!