Holy crap, does this issue suck. I have rolled my eyes at this comic’s various flaws before, but suddenly they’ve come together in a massive, brain-straining menagerie of winded dialogue, cringe-worthy banter, twists that fall pathetically flat, sudden changes in story that come out of nowhere, and the seemingly random and awkward introductions of several new, never-before-seen villains. What had been a relatively tightly paced series has suddenly exploded into a nearly incomprehensible mess.

Teen Titans #7

And it definitely doesn’t help that half the story takes place in an issue of Superboy that hasn’t even come out yet.

Comic rating: 1/5: Terrible!

Everything Teen Titans has been building towards just seems to fall apart with this issue. The only saving grace, perhaps, is the teamwork between the Titans. But their battle against N.O.W.H.E.R.E. just collapses in a big mess as the Titans attack their foes at their evil lair. Whereas before, N.O.W.H.E.R.E. was just a general evil organization, we’re now all of a sudden introduced to various super-villains with names and powers. Their appearances mean nothing because we’ve never seen them before. So the fights with the Titans mean squat. Not to mention the fact that the fights last only a page or two.

But worst of all is the dialogue. Characters not only talk too damn much, but they explain things that are happening in the same panel, as if we didn’t understand. The Titans are also constantly trying to tell jokes, but all of them fall thuddeningly flat.

Join me after the jump as I tear this comic book a new one.

The last time we saw Superboy in issue #5 of Teen Titans, he had just defeated the team in their first fight, but then he also turned against his handlers from N.O.W.H.E.R.E. The Titans licked their wounds in issue #6, and were prepared to launch a direct attack on N.O.W.H.E.R.E. I don’t read Superboy. And I don’t recall any notes in the last issue of Teen Titans telling me that I should. But apparently, and I’m just guessing here, Superboy ended up getting caught by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. when he rebelled.

We open this issue with Superboy strapped into some machine, just as it shows on the cover. He’s being blasted by a green laser by some guy we’ve never seen before called Director Centerhall. Granted, we may have seen him briefly before. I haven’t reread all six issues of Teen Titans. But we’ve never seen him in this weird yellow uniform, and he’s never made much of an impression if he did appear. He mocks Superboy and explains that since the Boy of Steel has gone rogue, they’re going to simply break him down and rebuild from scratch. N.O.W.H.E.R.E. created Superboy, after all.

Then something causes the lasers to turn away from Superboy’s body. If you couldn’t tell, Director Centerhall helpfully tells the reader.

Captain Obvious is in the building, ladies and gentlemen

Why ‘nearly every laser’? What does it accomplish by leaving two lasers on Superboy? But see what I mean about clunky expository dialogue? Well how about some terrible jokes too? Centerhall uses some kind of mind power to realize that Kid Flash is causing the trouble. Kid Flash once escaped from a N.O.W.H.E.R.E. prison, so Centerhall mocks him for coming back alone.

You have no idea what you're saying

What an idiot. Who makes a joke like that? ‘Alonerer?’ That doesn’t even make sense as a joke. Centerhall never said ‘alone’, so Kid Flash is kind of mocking himself. But that’s not all! Let’s bring in Bunker for some clunky banter as well!

Is this scene supposed to be funny? Inconceivable!

The banter just sounds unnatural. It’s awkward and not in the least bit funny. But it’s written as if it’s supposed to be funny. Writer Scott Lobdell just comes off as tone deaf. But we’re just getting started with the badness. There is much more to come, just you wait.

Bunker and Skittles arrive to join the attack against N.O.W.H.E.R.E., but then we cut to a flashback an hour ago on the Brooklyn Bridge as the Teen Titans prepare for their attack. Red Robin wants to test out Kid Flash’s speed, so they’re running some drills. Kid Flash goes and steals the plaque from the Statue of Liberty one second, then puts it back the next second, then Red Robin scolds him. The art, at least, looks fantastic. Kid Flash’s new costume looks awesome, and it goes well with Red Robin’s costume.

The banter here is a little easier to handle, and the two teens interact well. Then Red Robin introduces us to a secret member of the Teen Titans: Danny the Street! Remember when Kid Flash was talking to someone named ‘Danny’ back when he was in N.O.W.H.E.R.E. custody? And then when he and Solstice were somehow teleported from Antarctica to New York City? It was all courtesy of Danny the Street, an insanely brilliant character. I’d never heard of him until I Googled him, but adding Danny the Street to the Teen Titans is a fun and fantastic idea!

So this issue has one good thing going for it

Danny the Street was created by the comics genius Grant Morrison for his Doom Patrol series several years ago. Danny is a sentient cobblestone street, complete with several buildings and stores, that travels the world, able to integrate himself into cities and towns without any harm to the existing infrastructure. He’s able to communicate by changing the letters in the signs and storefronts. He’s also able to teleport himself and people using his doors. The idea is pure Grant Morrison, and adding him to Teen Titans is just a lark.

So there’s one good thing that happens in this book.

Danny tells the Titans that N.O.W.H.E.R.E. is torturing Superboy, so Red Robin makes the decision that they’re going to help the Boy of Steel.

We then cut to a scene that I’ve been dying to see since this book started: all the Titans just hanging out like normal teens. Some are half in costume, and Red Robin is explaining their plan, but the scene is mostly just the teens hanging out on the couch. This book needs more of this. Superhero teams need time to grow as a team. They can’t just be fighting super-villains in every issue, or facing danger. They need time and effort into growing them as people and as a pseudo family. This issue, finally, has a tiny bit of that.

I believe the kids call this 'chillaxing'

See Solstice in the back there? For some reason, the art looks like she was added later. Every time we look at the team sitting on the couch, Solstice looks like she was hastily added deep into the background. It’s weird.

Anyway, Red Robin tells the team that they’re going to bust into N.O.W.H.E.R.E. headquarters to save Superboy. The team asks him why they would save the guy that beat them up, and Red Robin says that’s what they do as heroes. Who’s with him, he asks? Nobody. Red Robin tries a speech, saying that if they left Superboy to the mercy of N.O.W.H.E.R.E., then the Teen Titans are no better than their opponents.

Still, nobody wants to go.

They clearly asked Solstice to wait outisde

Nah, they all decide to go.

Danny the Street teleports the Titans to the N.O.W.H.E.R.E. base in the Arctic. And we cut back to the beginning of the book, the flashback finally over. Kid Flash is still at the base, while Bunker and Skittles are attacking the bad guys. Kid Flash starts freaking out, his mind going funky. His vision fades and he no longer seems the lab, he seems some kind of image from his memories. If we assume that Bart Allen is again from the future, as he was pre-reboot, then we’re seeing a vision from his memories. He sees a bunch of teenage troopers using batons to beat on a few people. One of the teens tells Kid Flash to grab a baton and join in.

Kid Flash shakes the vision and returns to the normal world, but his brain is still fried – which he politely tells us in some more stilted dialogue.

Must talk...like...William Shatner!

Kid Flash snaps out of it and races to help his friends, though first he makes sure to drop a stiff line about the fact that he’s wearing a special prototype suit to keep his powers in check. Thanks for the awkward reminder, Kid Flash!

So he zips around the lab, taking out bad guys and lasers and then frees Superboy. The Boy of Steel slumps on his shoulders, barely with it, and Kid Flash starts carrying him to safety. Kid Flash is none too happy about saving this jerk, and the two exchange some truly awful banter as they make for the exit and rejoin Bunker and Skittles.

'Remind me to shiver later'? What? You just said 'Brrr'! That implies shivering!

The rest of the issue cuts back and forth from the different Titans, giving about a page or two to each story at a time before cutting to another one. Rather than skip around for my review, I’ll just sum them up all at once. First, Superboy uses his telekinesis to clear the room of bad guys while Kid Flash zips them all out of the lab. And then Centerhall complains about fighting speedsters. Because there are so many speedsters around, right? This is the New 52, superheroes aren’t as common as they used to be. And I highly doubt this guy has ever encountered the Flash. Anyway…

We then cut to Wonder Girl, who is in another part of the facility for some reason. And this part of the comic I really hate, because we’re given a specific note that we need to read Superboy #8 so that we can find out what Wonder Girl was up to. That doesn’t come out until later in April. Apparently Wonder Girl was ambushed by Rose Wilson, and then beat Rose in a fight. We couldn’t have had an extra panel or two explaining this? Instead we’re supposed to read a comic book that hasn’t even come out yet, and won’t for a few more weeks. I realize that Teen Titans is going to have a crossover with Superboy soon (and Legion Lost, for some reason), but why can’t this series contain its own story?

Nice try, DC, but you're not getting any more of my money

Anyway, Wonder Girl is ambushed by the director of N.O.W.H.E.R.E., Zaniel Templar, who has possibly the stupidest name I’ve ever read in fiction. How can anybody say that name with a straight face? At least we’ve seen this guy before. He’s made a few appearances in Teen Titans as the leader of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. But considering he’s the leader of N.O.W.H.E.R.E., it almost seems like a waste to have him just sort of face off against Wonder Girl in the middle of the comic, as opposed to a more climactic fight. Then it only takes two pages for Wonder Girl to defeat this guy.

Perhaps she just told all those tendrils that they belong to a guy named 'Zaniel Templar' and they got depressed

But at least Templar has a cool power. He has a bunch of parasitic monster tendrils that come out of him and attack Wonder Girl. But all she does is get her lasso around him, which she explains has the ability to drain life essence. So the big bad director of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. is taken out by Wonder Girl’s most basic attack. So much for N.O.W.H.E.R.E. actually being a threat to the Teen Titans. Talk about anticlimactic. At least the guy looks absolutely badass with those tendril things. If only the rest of his character matched his badass look.

Then we cut to the two missing Titans: Red Robin and Solstice. While the others went to rescue Superboy, and Wonder Girl wandered off on her own, Red Robin went deeper into the facility to access N.O.W.H.E.R.E. computers. Red Robin is downloading something when Solstice shows up and wonders why he isn’t helping the others free Superboy. Red Robin tells her that he’s got this under control, and she should get back with the others. Solstice doesn’t want him talking to her like that, and she demands to know what Red Robin is up to.

This scene is stupid. It’s clear that Lobdell wants us all to get mad at Red Robin for what he’s about to reveal. But his explanation makes perfect sense to me. So the anger of Solstice and the jerkly toughness of Red Robin just don’t work.

Solstice, you were told to wait outside!

Red Robin explains that he’s downloading the files of all the metahuman kids that have been kidnapped by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. He needed this information to confirm his suspicions about N.O.W.H.E.R.E. Solstice is shocked. Confirm? So Red Robin knew that other kids had been kidnapped – like Solstice had been – but he didn’t do anything about it? Red Robin explains that he only had suspicions, but he needed proof to build a case against N.O.W.H.E.R.E. Solstice is inconsolable. She asks if Red Robin had any idea what was happening to her and the other kids while he was waiting to make his move!?

Red Robin tells her that what he was doing was for the greater good and he’s not going to apologize.

OK, that’s all just incredibly stupid. First of all, Red Robin clearly explained that he only had suspicions that N.O.W.H.E.R.E. had other kids prisoner. He didn’t know who, he didn’t know where, he only had suspicions. As for waiting to make his move, Red Robin has hardly been waiting. He’s been putting together the Teen Titans to go after N.O.W.H.E.R.E. And now he’s getting the information he needs to go rescue the kids. It’s horrible that Solstice was being tortured, and she is lucky that Kid Flash just happened to save her. But Red Robin has been doing everything in his power to stop N.O.W.H.E.R.E. and rescue all the kids.

He’s not Superman. He couldn’t just storm down to Antarctica to save her and everyone. So yeah, Red Robin has nothing to apologize for. But what’s all this ‘greater good’ talk? What he was doing does not qualify as for the ‘greater good’. At least not with the connotation that phrase has. Red Robin was doing everything he could at the speed he is able to save the kids from N.O.W.H.E.R.E. Solstice being angry at him for this just rings completely false.

Can you say overly melodramatic?

Everybody regroups in a random hallway, which turns into Danny the Street so they can make their escape. The only Titan not with them is Solstice. Did Red Robin really leave her behind? They’re all trying to flee the N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility, and Red Robin lets Solstice stay behind in that computer room? I guess so. The Titans all prepare to go back and get her when they’re suddenly ambushed by a very powerful enemy. And so we meet the true head of N.O.W.H.E.R.E., a monstrous being named Harvest!

So we had Centerhall, Zaniel Templar, and now Harvest and Omen...did any of these villains do anything to actually make an impression?

But wait, look at that little notation in the bottom corner for next issue. We’re going to meet the “sadistic woman known only as…Omen!” We only just met Harvest! Way to take away all the hype of his sudden appearance by teasing a whole new evil villain for the next issue. What, is Harvest not bad enough to warrant being the main villain in the next issue? And why tease her like that, focusing on her name? The name ‘Omen’ means so very, very little. That’s almost as generic a super-villain name as ‘Vengeance’ or ‘Menace’.

So there you have this utterly terrible issue of Teen Titans. Everyone is constantly talking, constantly blathering on. But their dialogue is either clunky, overly expository or just not funny. We’re treated to scenes that take place in issues of entirely different series. And we’re given some big reveal about Red Robin that doesn’t land nearly as troubling as Lobdell obviously wants it to land. Yet it looks like he’s going to play it up as if Red Robin has been doing something wrong this whole time. Sorry, not buying it. Red Robin can’t save kidnapped teenagers if he doesn’t know who they are, where they are or how he alone was supposed to save them.

The one good scene that this issue did have, the Titans sitting on the couch, was mercilessly short and featured a very odd and awkward placement for Solstice. I realize that Solstice looks cool, but they need to let her change back into a normal human appearance. This book will rise and fall on the interplay between these characters, and it desperately needs to slow down and take a breather and let these kids be kids and hang out together. And Solstice can’t do that if she’s always this weird, inky black monster!  It’s not like they’ve made any mention of Solstice resenting the fact that she doesn’t look normal. This book hasn’t given itself a moment to rest. It’s constantly on the move, and that’s going to only hurt the book in the long run.

It’s definitely hurting Teen Titans in the short run.