Yearly Archives: 2011
It’s Not Easy Being Green…But it is Awesome!
Despite all the negative reviews, the crappy first trailer, the weird costume, the obvious Iron Man parallels and the vibe of desperation, the Green Lantern movie was pretty damn good. There were a lot of cheesy and crappy parts to it, but overall it’s a fun viewing experience. **SPOILERS** after the jump!

We're all about the logos
There is nothing spectacular about the Green Lantern movie – though there should have been. Here is a concept unlike anything else in comics – the Green Lantern Corps – and the movie absolutely wastes all that potential. For everybody who doesn’t know, the Green Lantern Corps are essentially an intergalactic team of space cops. So there are thousands of them, and a human just happens to get inducted. So whereas every other superhero movie (short of the X-Men) has dealt with that one superhero, Green Lantern could have featured themes about brotherhood and unity and camaraderie. Instead we’re treated to yet another solo superhero on Earth who must come to grips with his new responsibility all on his own in order to save the day. Green Lantern plays it safe when it comes to making a superhero movie, and that’s a terrible shame.
Though apparently there is something to be said for playing it safe. It’s a fun film. The lead hero is great, the costume looks cool, the powers are fun and the villains are appropriately evil enough. And along with all of the great segments in the movie, the overall makes for a good viewing experience. It’s definitely worth seeing. I liked it about as much as, if not more so, than Thor.
The best part of the movie are the horribly brief scenes with the Green Lantern Corps. Once Hal Jordan receives his ring, and after a few random scenes, he’s transported to Oa, the home planet of the Green Lantern Corps. Only three other Green Lanterns get speaking parts and there is really only one scene that features more than Hal and these three (this same crowd scene is repeated later in the movie, so I suppose two scenes). Seeing Hal interact with these other Lanterns and hang out in the big crowd scene is a blast. It’s different from all of the other superhero movies, and it really crackles with excitement. They could have pushed this feeling for the whole movie.

This should have been the whole movie
Of the three Lanterns, Tomar Re and Kilowog are really just afterthoughts. They’re pleasant, but you are immediately reminded of the actors who voice them and that takes away from making them complete characters. But they’re fun to watch on Oa, and it’s good to see them again at the end. Though they show up a few seconds shy of making their impact meaningful. Suffice to say, Hal is forced to fight all on his own at the end to defeat the bad guys. This movie should have had a dozen or so other Green Lanterns show up to lend him a hand in the final battle. That would have been new and exciting!
Sinestro is very, very good. The actor is brilliant in the role. He’s very regal and very sharp, like the edge of a blade. Sinestro is really the only reason I want a sequel. It seems that the filmmakers were confident that they would get a sequel, so they decided to save all of the best stuff for the second film. They used this one to tell the origin and get everybody familiar with the concept, and they’ll use the sequel to tell the really great stories with Sinestro as the antagonist. The post-credits scene definitely reveals that to be the case. So I’m glad that they were smart enough to take the time and develop Sinestro as a Green Lantern in this film. It should make his turn to the dark side all the more meaningful in the sequel.
Trying to cram both Hal’s origin and Sinestro’s turn from good guy to bad guy in one movie would have been a waste.
Ryan Reynolds is also very good as the lead. I’ve been reading Green Lantern comics since Hal Jordon was brought back from the dead, and I couldn’t really tell you anything about Hal as a person. I know what the writer would like me to think, but it never really sinks as much as the personalities of Peter Parker, Wolverine or some other Marvel characters. DC has never been very good on personalities. So Ryan Reynolds doesn’t so much play Hal Jordan as play the Green Lantern named Hal Jordan. The movie asks him to be smarmy and charming, and he does it splendidly. He’s a fun guy to root for.
And the costume looks really good. It looks bad in the publicity shots, but once it’s motion it really shines (literally). It looks even better when the black parts are black instead of dark green. The mask looks dumb though.
Hector Hammond as the villain also works out better than I had foreseen. Hammond is a stupid villain in the comics, and the images of Peter Sarsgaard with that giant forehead looked even stupider. But then Green Lantern doesn’t really have a lot of good villains. Hammond is creepy in a delightful way in the movie, and his powers are vicious – though they don’t do much with his telepathy. The fact that he, Hal and the love interest all knew each other growing up should have been given more emphasis. That could have raised Hammond into a bigger villain had they pushed that connection harder, though I think it was a good idea to tie him to Parallax. Hammond alone wouldn’t have been a good conflict for the space-faring Green Lantern. GL definitely needed something that threatened the entire planet because he is primarily a space-based character.
Which, again, is not something we’ve ever seen before in these superhero movies.

Sinestro
There are a lot of really cheesy parts to this movie, and a lot of missed opportunities. Blake Lively as Carol Ferris is only alright. I’ve seen some reviews where they say she’s wooden and bad. I suppose. I don’t really know acting well enough to tell. I thought she was alright. She doesn’t add much though. There’s no reason to swoon for her or for Green Lantern to really want her other than she’s really the only girl in the movie. They grew up together and have a history together, and that really seems to be the only reason both Hal Jordan and Hector Hammond want her. She’s nothing special, though I’m glad that she figured out that Hal was the Green Lantern right away. That made for a much better story than Hal trying to balance the two lives.
Most other side characters are as boring as Carol. Hal has a friend who helps him out with a ride now and then, and is in on the Green Lantern secret, but he isn’t good for anything. Amanda Waller is a pale imitation of the ball-buster she was in the comics, and has ridiculous hair. Hector Hammond’s senator father is just around to push Hammond’s anger into outright villainy. And Hal’s brothers and nephew show up in the beginning, and could have been a good subplot, but they’re never seen again.
There are a lot of little problems with the movie. When Hal shows up at his nephew’s birthday party, the local news is talking about him and his plane crash. The test flight was for some top secret super military jets on a private airfield, and nobody was hurt. Yet the local news station makes it their top story and uses Hal’s name. It’s one of those silly Hollywood scenes where the local news is always talking about something important to the plot, no matter how un-newsworthy it is.
All of the scenes of Hal doubting himself and his ability to use the ring are a waste, as are the scenes where Carol talks him into it. These minutes could have been better spent with Hal kicking ass. We’re told that Hal walks away from everything in his life, and so he’s now walking away from the Green Lantern Corps. Yet that’s not the case. He shows incredible initiative and guts in the test flight that opens the movie, and we have no idea how his relationship with Carol ended. Hell, they make it sound like they slept together a few times, and then Hal went on to sleep with more chicks. That’s one of the main aspects of his character, that he’s a ladies man. Carol just got caught up in that. Their relationship sparks back up in the film without any real reason why they are apart in the first place.
So seeing Hal ‘quit’ the Green Lantern Corps comes out of nowhere. When he’s on Oa, Kilowog trains Hal one-on-one for about 10 minutes by throwing discs at him and that’s supposed to stand in for all of his training. Then Sinestro shows him up and gives him a speech about needing to earn the ring. Rather than boost his pride, this just deflates Hal. He quits and goes home. Oh boo hoo hoo. Hal can’t handle a little light hazing as the new guy.
Of course he doesn’t give the ring back. He takes it back to Earth and uses its power to save the day at the first opportunity. So he really only ‘quits’ in word alone. But with so little time spent on Oa, his climactic scene where he confronts the Guardians of the Universe to put them in their place isn’t earned. It doesn’t feel like he has any right to be in that set piece. Though once he really gets into it, you really get a sense of what kind of Green Lantern Hal can become.
Like that old movie cliche: the chief of police tells the hero: “Dammit Hal, you caused thousands of dollars in property damage, you killed the crook so he can’t stand trial, I’ve got reams of paperwork to fill out and the Guardians are breathing down my neck. I should have your ring for this…but you’re the best damn Lantern I’ve ever seen!”
Also, what was with all the buildings and moving lights on the streets on Oa. Are there people living and driving around on the planet?
I didn’t have the best opinion leading up to the movie. I saw it as a desperate attempt to recapture the magic of Iron Man by taking the smarmy yet charming lead actor and having him learn enough humility to become a superhero. While I may still be right, it didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would. I hope it does well at the box office and we can see a sequel, so that everything the filmmakers wanted to do can be done in the next chapter. Bring on the Sinestro Corps!
6 Picks from the Upcoming DC Comics Rejiggering
This September, DC Comics is going to do a company wide reboot/revamp/rejiggering in terms of their characters and continuity. They will end all of their current comics and start again with #1 issues for 52 different series. Some characters will stay the same, like Batman, while some will be given new origins and histories, like Hawkman.
I am completely in favor of this change.
I have never been a faithful follower of the DC universe. Make Mine Marvel. I am absolutely gung ho for really only one DC character (Robin), but I have no great connection to any of the others or their histories. So starting again with stream-lined or slate-cleaned continuities and characters isn’t a big deal to me. Sometimes I hate change when it comes to comic book revamps, but this time I don’t. A big reason for that (besides Robin/Tim Drake staying mostly the same) is that this gives me a chance to pick up some books I never would in current continuity. I’ve dropped plenty of DC comics over the years, and I’d be more than happy to start reading them again with these new revamps.
So here as the 6 titles I am most looking forward to in the revamp. Later I will write about 6 titles I don’t care about.
My Picks:

Teen Titans #1
1. Teen Titans: This title will be the home of my favorite DC character, Tim Drake. When the reboot was first announced, I was hoping that Tim might be put back as Robin under Bruce as Batman. That is the ideal team for me. Give me that in a book and I will be a fan for life. Instead, they’ll be keeping Damian as Robin. As much as I love Robin, I’m just never going to be completely sold on Damian in that role. Fortunately, when Tim stopped being Robin, he became Red Robin. The name sounds like a mouthful, but at the very least he kept the word ‘Robin’ in there. Tim isn’t Dick, he doesn’t want or need to come out of Bruce’s shadow and become his own unique superhero. Tim should always be Bruce’s partner. That’s why he became Robin, that’s one of the things I like about Tim. It’s more important for him to be Robin than it is for him to be Tim Drake.
And as for people who read my previous entry, a few more interviews with the writers have pretty much confirmed that Tim’s history as Robin will remain intact.
I’m also looking forward to the new interactions with the rebooted Kid Flash, Wonder Girl and Superboy. Should be fun. Plus I so far like Red Robin’s new costume. I’m glad he ditched the Kingdom Come costume, even if this one is still based off it. The idea that he got that costume from when Jason Todd went jaunting through alternate realities, only for Todd to throw it in the trash and some other chump character to use it for awhile, was too stupid and convoluted.

Justice League #1
2. Justice League: I started reading Justice League after the One Year Later event, when Red Arrow was the newest member. I wanted to get on board with the Justice League title and be privy to all the big adventures of the main superheroes in DC. It should be the perfect book for anybody to pick up and read. It should be just straight superhero awesomeness. But somewhere along the line in that previous reboot, Justice League became the place for event tie-ins and stories that were essentially ads for other events or other series. It no longer told its own Justice League stories.
And all the major players left. Superman and Wonder Woman were busy with their own story lines and couldn’t participate, or some crap. Either way, it stopped being interesting and so I dropped it fast.
So now we’ve got this relaunched Justice League, and it stars all the big DC characters! Batman! Superman! Green Lantern! Flash! Cyborg…!? Of course they need to have some new team members to keep things spicy. And Cyborg is as good an addition to the Justice League as anybody. Plus DC has mentioned that the team will pick up other members as weeks go by. Hopefully they will be interesting characters. I don’t have any particular interest in any of these heroes (except maybe Batman and sort of Green Lantern), it’s them as a team that I’m interested in. I want some big, badass DC superhero adventures! Plus it’s written by Geoff Johns, more on him later.

Aquaman #1
3. Aquaman: I have never in my life read a single Aquaman comic book, or even a comic starring Aquaman. But darn it if I don’t love the character and his classic underdog status. Everybody hates on Aquman, it’s practically a cliche to laugh at Aquaman. That has endeared the character to me. He’s not as bad as people make him out to be. He’s telepathic, has a cool costume and is king of the seas. A lot could be done with this concept. This is the #1 book that I would have never picked up in a million years except for the fact that it’s part of this big reboot. I’m curious and interested to see where it goes without all the garbagey years of Aquaman continuity hanging over its head.
Plus the writer is Geoff Johns. I am a huge Geoff Johns fan. The man has done no wrong on the Green Lantern mythos as far as I’m concerned. I’ve never read his Flash stuff, and I think bringing back Barry Allen was dumb, but Johns has all the good will in the world as far as I’m concerned. Seeing him tackle Aquaman with a totally clean slate to play with is very enticing to me.
Unless it’s not going to be a clean slate. Johns may throw in all manner of Flashpoint or Brightest Day crapola. Then I’ll be dropping the book ASAP.

Red Hood #1
4. Red Hood and the Outlaws: Jason Todd is another one of those characters that people just hate, and for good reason. Nobody liked him back in the 80s, in fact they voted to kill him off. And since he came back in the most ridiculous way imaginable, he’s been nothing but a dead weight dangling around the neck of the Batman Family. Here was a guy trained by Batman, a former Robin, who turned into a Punisher of sorts. How is that not cool? How could DC drop the ball on him? He could have been a badass ronin super villain, the Punisher but with the flash and pizzazz of a former Robin.
He could have been somebody! Instead he was hobbled two and fro. They tried to force him into a square hole in Countdown and then just let Grant Morrison and whoever else jumble him up afterwards. He is the living embodiment of Batman’s greatest failure! He could, in theory, take Batman in a fight! He could take anybody in a fight! He’s the perfect dark foil to Batman, Nightwing and most of the Bat family.
But he’s been wasted. Hopefully that will change with this new series. Red Hood would be a great anti-hero. And teaming him up with Arsenal and Starfire is a pretty cool idea. I have no clue what Starfire is doing with them, but it’s still cool. They’ll be these rebellious young adults doing superheroics there way. I’m excited by that idea. And thankfully they ditched that stupid red cylinder helmet that Jason wore in that Grant Morrison arc of Batman & Robin. That costume was just STUPID! The red helmet and biker look is much cooler.

Suicide Squad #1
5. Suicide Squad: I am a huge fan of Gail Simone’s Secret Six. Ever since it’s marvelous debut as Villains United way back during Infinite Crisis, her team of Catman, Scandal, Deadshot, Ragdoll, et al has been brilliant. Never before have I seen a team book better capture what it’s like to be a part of a family. Their cohesion and camaraderie has been second to none. Everybody on the Interwebs loves Secret Six.
So of course it’s getting cancelled.
In its place we’re getting Suicide Squad, a revamp of a title from the 80s and 90s that was popular at the time. Secret Six was always the spiritual successor to Suicide Squad anyway. So even though Gail is no longer writing it, we already know its starring Secret Six characters Deadshot and King Shark. Plus Harley Quinn all tarted up in a new outfit. I like Harley. And I prefer her without the Joker around. She’s much more interesting as her own character than as his sycophantic love slave. She can’t rise above her status if she’s at the Joker’s side. Unless every single time she breaks free of him, which they can’t do. So letting her spread her wings is cool.
And maybe Catman will appear in the series somewhere.

New Guardians
6. New Guardians: I absolutely love everything there is to do about the New Guardians and the multi-colored Lantern Corps. Everything. I love the Blue Lanterns, the Red Lanterns, the awesomeness of Sinestro, the mystery of the Indigo Tribe and everything there is about Larfleeze. It’s a fantastic concept and DC has done a fantastic job with the characters and the concept since their introduction. So even though we didn’t get a cover about this series, and we don’t know who exactly will be in it, I’ve very excited to see.
It also stars Kyle Rayner, arguably my favorite Green Lantern. I don’t care for any of the Earth Green Lanterns. They’ve just never leaped out to me as interesting. But out of them, I’d pick Kyle as my favorite. So it’s cool that he’s going to be the GL in this series. I hope we see more Larfleeze and Sinestro and Saint Walker. While I don’t know how well they’ll be in a team dynamic, I bet they’ll be able to bounce off each other nicely.
The writer, Tony Bedard, had some success on Exiles back in the day, and I was a huge fan of Exiles. So I’m definitely excited to see what happens.
Honorable mentions: Batman, Batman & Robin, Nightwing, Catwoman, Batwoman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Red Lanterns, Green Lantern Corps., and maybe Action Comics with Grant Morrison.
Here is a full list of all the 52 titles that will be released.
Tim Drake Spotted (Finally) in DC Reboot
But is he the same Tim Drake I know and love? It seems that DC is going to make Tim the star of the new Teen Titans revamp, but the solicitation that is coming with Teen Titans #1 seems to indicate a large retconning/rebooting of the Teen Titans heroes. I’ve been scouring the Interwebs today to get some better understanding, but so far it’s mixed. Will Tim Drake still have his history as Robin?

Teen Titans with Red Robin
For everybody who doesn’t know, my favorite DC character of all time is Robin. I don’t particularly care who is behind the mask, I love me some Robin. When we get specific, Tim Drake is my favorite of the Robins. I remain pretty bummed that Damian Wayne will be returning as the official Robin in the reboot, but my hopes were raised a bit today with the announcementthat Tim Drake would still be Red Robin.
The part that’s got me bummed, however, is the blurb that comes with the announcement about Teen Titans #1:
“Tim Drake is forced to step out from behind his keyboard when an international organization seeks to capture or kill super-powered teenagers. As Red Robin, he must team up with the mysterious and belligerent powerhouse thief known as Wonder Girl and a hyperactive speedster calling himself Kid Flash.”
‘Forced to step out from behind his keyboard’? What’s that imply? It doesn’t mention anything about stepping out from behind the shadow of Batman. Is Tim going to be retconned into a new, independent hacker guy who decides to create a new identity all on his own? Keeping only his name, the costume name and, presumably, his general personality and whatnot?
This would make me a sad panda.
Likewise there are the statements about Wonder Girl and Kid Flash. DC has yet to reveal the status of Wonder Woman or Flash yet, so I’m left to believe based on this blurb that Wonder Girl and Kid Flash will not be part of their lives. It seems like WG and KF are brand new characters making their debut in Teen Titans. So therefore did Young Justice never happen?
Here’s what Jim Lee told io9about the Titans reboot:
I think of all the books coming out this September, Teen Titans has probably the most variety of what existed before.
So I’m definitely right about the changes to Wonder Girl and Kid Flash. In that same interview, however, here’s what Dan Didio said about Tim Drake as Red Robin:
I think you’re looking at every one of the former Robins to have a real showcase book, and this will be the primary showcase for Tim Drake.
But does he mean ‘former Robin’ in-continuity? Or does he just mean that as a way that people know Tim Drake? And that even though he’s going to be completely rebooted, he’s still popular to the fans as a former Robin?
I guess time will tell…
First Class Deserves Every X-Pun, Especially ‘X-Cellent’!
When I first learned of X-Men: First Class and watched the pre-production roll in, I scoffed at the obvious cash-grab. I knew that Fox Studios needed to keep making X-Men movies in order to hold onto the license, so I believed they would just churn out crap in order to keep making money. I thought First Class would be a bloated, stink-pile of the cheapest Hollywood tripe.
I was wrong.
X-Men: First Class is an incredibly emotional and action-packed superhero adventure. It never gets bogged down in all of its various plots and creates movie magic with its portrayals of Charles Xavier and Magneto. This movie is bloody brilliant.

This history, the depth, the friendship are all perfect.
This prequel is a triumph, and puts the other three X-Men movies to shame. While clearly part of the same movie continuity (for the most part), First Class carves out its own world with its own characters, and I want more. Leaving the theater, I wanted to see the sequel immediately. I want to see what happens next – and I don’t mean the original trilogy or the comics. I want to see more of the First Class world. Even though it covers the same ground as the original trilogy, and features a few of the same characters, it is a new and different beast all together. It’s a prequel in name only, creating its own franchise rather than worrying about fitting into the previous films.
At least I hope that’s the case. Though it does help deepen some of the stories and emotions in First Class if you’re familiar with the original trilogy, and vice versa. I imagine Mystique’s character and Beast’s appearance in Last Stand will now have an added depth.
At the heart of First Class is the friendship and eventual split between Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr, the man who would be Magneto. Despite everything else that’s going on, this is the good stuff, and the movie does not disappoint. The acting is phenomenal. Xavier is a fun, lively character, and Magneto is hard, ruthless and yet incredibly human. Their friendship absolutely works. And when it all comes crashing down in the film’s climax, you feel the pain and loss between these two men. You feel their friendship as well throughout the film. They are a pleasure on screen together.
Hats off to James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender. They make you forget about Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen, though it’s fun to link them with the older actors facing off from the original trilogy. I kept flashing back to the “We are the future Charles, not them. They no longer matter” scene from X-Men as I watched McAvoy and Fassbender together. That was a blast.

Yellow, blue and gray are not his colors.
Beyond the Xavier/Magneto stuff, there’s a lot going on in this movie. But despite that, it never got bogged down or bloated. I felt that everything and everyone got exactly the sort of attention that was deserved. Chief amongst these is the action plot, about Xavier and Magneto teaming up and stopping Sebastian Shaw’s plot to destroy the world. The tension builds nicely throughout the film, with both sides gaining in strength, power and understanding until we have an epic showdown in the very middle of the Cuban Missile Crisis. The historical context works, and the final battle stands on its own as an action-packed superhero adventure.
I will avoid spoilers since there is a lot happening that you may not expect. I know I was surprised and excited with certain scenes.
Shaw is a suitable bad guy, just don’t go expecting the Hellfire Club from the comics. He’s villainous and definitely dangerous, and Kevin Bacon plays him well. His link to Magneto and their final confrontation is especially good. Emma Frost does much more than look pretty, though I wasn’t floored with January Jones. Her performance was fine, but she wasn’t as drop-dead sexy or sultry as one might want Emma Frost. She looked kind of uncomfortable in the lingerie. Not impressive.
Nothing needs to be said about Azazel or Riptide. Despite being two of the oddest choices to make it into an X-Men movie (A plague upon The Draco!!), they serve their function as Shaw’s henchmen. Though I did feel the link to Nightcrawler in X2 was unnecessary and takes away from Kurt’s unique style.
The first class of the X-Men are all pretty cool. Banshee is a lot of fun, but none of the others stand out. The recruitment montage seems to come out of nowhere, as if someone along the way realized they needed an actual team of X-Men rather than just letting Xavier and Magneto handle everything. We’ve got Banshee, Havok, Angel Salvatore and Darwin. None of them are among my favorite X-Men, so there was no fanboy glee for me. They were all just cool and served their purposes. Moira MacTaggert was there too.

Here comes the yellow spandex...
As I mentioned before, two characters who really shine are Mystique and Beast. We learn where they came from and how they came to terms with who they are as mutants. Mystique has an especially fun character-arc, while Beast’s is more thought-provoking. Learning what we do about them in First Class, re-watching them in the original trilogy will be especially fun. One might even be able to say that Beast now has a fully-realized character arc from First Class to Last Stand, perhaps even including his tiny cameo in X2.
So in closing, X-Men: First Class is a fantastic film. It’s exciting and action-packed in all the right ways, and definitely has a special sort of feel to it for a superhero movie. It’s uniquely its own. The characters were all good, some more than others, and the character arcs are all delightful to watch on screen. I left the theater wanting more.
And though it may still be a cash-grab to hold on to the X-Men license, I’m perfectly fine with that now. As long as they keep making movies this good, I’ll be happy.
Pirates 4 is Not Worth Its Weight in Booty
They should have just let the Pirates franchise sink. Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides, is a bloated, worthless extension of the franchise that basically just throws familiar characters into action sequence after action sequence until they arrive at the end. The familiar faces of Jack Sparrow and Mr. Gibs are surrounded by cliched new characters that just serve to pad out the money-making experience.
Because that’s all this movie is about: the money. More after the jump.

'On Stranger Tides' doesn't even mean anything, I don't think.
I understand the power of franchise, it’s not that difficult a concept to grasp. The brand name that the movie-going sheeple see is much more powerful and lucrative than trying a new idea – like Pirates was in the first place. Everybody loves Jack Sparrow, so let’s just keep throwing Jack Sparrow into new movies! And it works, it totally works. Pirates 4 made a butt-load of money. And there will be a Pirates 5 and probably more. It’s why the people behind Kung Fu Panda already have the series plotted out through movies 5 and 6.
Is this wrong? I dunno. Frankly, I’m not someone to argue in favor of trying new ideas over old ones. When the old ideas are just regurgitated crap, then yeah, I’m against it. But say Pirates 4 was a really good movie with some fun ideas and adventures. Then I’d be all in favor of it! TV shows last for multiple season with the same characters and premise; comic books have been going for years like that. Why not movie franchises?
The answer is because the creative forces in Hollywood rarely plot something out beyond the first movie. Those who hold the purse strings simply want the same movie over and over again. If it worked the first time, it will work every other time, in their opinion. Hence why Hangover 2 has the same exact plot.
So that brings us to Pirates 4, in which we get rid of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann (whose fate at the end of 3 is something I truly hate). That leaves us with Jack Sparrow (with Mr. Gibs as a sidekick), so the idea is to throw Jack into his own adventure, and to give him his own supporting characters and whatnot. The problem is that the movie does nothing for Jack Sparrow as a character. He doesn’t change, he doesn’t learn anything, we don’t learn anything new about him. It’s just Jack Sparrow going through the motions.

Jack Sparrow Going Through the Motions
They give him a random love interest played by Penelope Cruz, because she’s super hot. We’re told they have this grand back story together, and in the movie Jack expresses that he has feelings for her. But he’s never brought her up before and she is little more than a hot pirate chick. Too hot, frankly. She’s super model hot in a movie franchise that goes to great lengths to show its pirates as the grungy lot they really are. But here Penelope Cruz is super hot because that sells tickets.
The villain is Blackbeard for name recognition only. He’s not very intimidating and doesn’t have nearly the same villainous energy of Barbosa (who also shows up in the British Officer role). Blackbeard is basically just an evil pirate. There’s no real emotional connection between him or any other character. Salma Hayke claims she’s his long lost daughter, but we’re told right away that she’s just conning him. So the villain isn’t very interesting and doesn’t provide any emotional mirror to Jack Sparrow.
There’s also a new version of Will and Elizabeth in the form of a young missionary and the mermaid he falls in love with. It’s a boring pile of meh that is obviously just an attempt to keep female interest afloat. Because the movie-makers realized, for whatever reason, that Jack Sparrow couldn’t carry the movie alone.
My girlfriend Alyssa had this idea: Pirates 4 is essentially Star Wars without Luke and Leia. If you get rid of Leia and the Rebellion, as well as Luke Skywalker’s emotional battle with Darth Vader, you’re left with Han Solo getting hired to blow up the Death Star right under the Empire’s nose. It’s a caper flick. And Pirates 4 is essentially Han Solo getting spun off into his own wacky adventure.
The plot is a search for the Fountain of Youth. Spoiler: There is no Fountain of Youth, at least not what we normally perceive as the Fountain of Youth. This version is essentially two silver cups, one of which needs to be filled with a mermaid’s tear. Then two people drink from either cup, and the one who gets the tear is healed while the other is killed. This is incredibly convoluted! And after you watch the movie, you realize it’s only this convoluted for the scene where someone has to choose between selfishly healing themselves or healing a ‘loved’ one.
And it’s not Jack Sparrow who chooses!
So Pirates 4 is basically Jack Sparrow’s spin-off movie. Except that the movie-makers don’t want to take any risks with Jack as a character so that they can keep making movie after movie. Jack doesn’t change over the course of the story, doesn’t learn any lessons or experience anything too emotional. He doesn’t connect with any characters on anything more than the surface level and barely effects the plot.
No wonder Johnny Depp is bored with playing him.
