Much like last issue, Punisher #5 continues the story at a snail’s pace without any real momentous happenings or interactions between the cast. Couple that with an incredible leap of 100 days in time from the last issue, and I’m starting to get bored. Nothing is happening except for a surface-level exploration of the characters. And nothing at all is happening with the Punisher himself. He remains a nearly-mute specter who may or may not be killing criminals.

Punisher #5

When is something going to happen!?

Comic rating: 3/5: Alright.

Though again, like last issue, I’ll say that it’s a well-constructed comic. The writing is solid and the art is sufficiently moody. The wintery snow effects are amazing. So it’s a well put-together comic, but that doesn’t guarantee a good comic. Nothing happens in this issue. Nothing of significance at least. None of the characters have any breakthroughs. No one has any particularly memorable lines of dialogue. Nobody does anything that will be remembered next issue. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I’m missing some important subtext or something. But I’m pretty sure that writer Greg Rucka is sacrificing momentum for mood-building.

And that just doesn’t make for a good comic. Not that I’m going to stop reading just yet, but I’m starting to consider dropping the Punisher. We’ll see. Spoilers after the jump.

Like most comic books these days, Punisher has a recap page right at the very beginning. Along with the title and the credits, there’s a brief recap of the story so far. For some reason, we learn more in this recap about the bad guys than in any of the previous four issues. Apparently the mobsters who organized the wedding massacre are called The Exchange. Who knew? They are also led by Chris Poulsen and Stephanie Gerard. Those names I sort of remember. But they never once called themselves ‘The Exchange’. Unless I completely missed it.

Also apparently, they are on the verge of becoming the controlling organization in the New York City criminal underworld. Really? What about the Kingpin? Or any number of random hoodlums and mobsters that populate other comics? You put this new Punisher series into the normal Marvel Universe for a reason, Marvel. Don’t back out on that with some over-hyped bad guy group we know so little about.

And, as I said before, it’s been 100 days since the Punisher fought the Vulture and crashed, gravely injuring himself. Everybody’s moved on with their lives, but mostly not, as we’ll see. And it’s Thanksgiving.

We open in Queens, where a young boy trudges home through a blistering snowstorm.

Didn't I tell you the snow looked awesome? If only snow wasn't so horrible

On his walk home, the boy randomly goes into a building that just happens to be the Punisher’s latest safehouse. It looks pretty empty, though there are some weapons cases lying around, and target dummies on the wall. Also, in the shadows, there’s a man hiding with a gun. But the boy doesn’t see him and he just runs away. No clue why he went into the random building in the first place. He clearly had to open a door. Must just be a curious kid.

Then, the same day, detectives Clemons and Bolt lead a police raid of a big time mobster house. But when they get inside, everybody’s been killed at at the dinner table. A lot of people are still in their seats when they were shot, some in the head, so clearly it was quick. Apparently this group was a lead on The Exchange, and both Bolt and Clemons surmise that the Punisher must be back in action. He was gone for 100 days recovering from his fall, but now it seems he’s up to his old tricks.

Then the comic turns into a Skinemax movie as we take a peek into a women’s locker room!

I thought there'd be more naked pillow fights...

Actually, it’s the Bride, who is also recovering. We get a short scene in the pool, where she and her physical trainer work on her leg muscles. The Bride, Rachel, wants to keep going, but the trainer tells her to call it a day. In the locker room, Rachel looks in the mirror at the scar down her chest from her surgery. Just a little self-reflection. When she gets dressed, she slips a handgun into her waistband before leaving.

A lot of this issue is just popping back in on the various characters we know so far. Which would be fine, except that’s pretty much what happened last issue as well. Nothing is moving. The detectives are no closer to solving any of their cases, and The Exchange is doing just fine with their criminal stuff. Except, of course, for that one dead guy and his crew at the dinner table.

At Exchange HQ, called The Midas Building, Stephanie Gerard informs everyone of they murder. They take the news rather well.

Next on the agenda: Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is cancelled

Gerard also mentions that her board members are all former costumed super-villains who have since given up the mask to be respectable criminals. Yet none of them are ever identified. Lame. She even says that the guy who was killed is a ‘Mister Creel’. Crusher Creel, the Absorbing Man? I highly doubt it, but that’s a stupid name to use if it’s someone completely different. No way would Absorbing Man be killed like that, or even look like that. We don’t get any other names of any other board members. That image right there is pretty much all we see of them before the meeting is adjourned.

Once alone, Gerard and Poulsen discuss the Punisher. After three months of recovery, Gerard is convinced that he’s back and he killed Creel. So she wants Poulsen to take care of Punisher.

These villains suck.

We’re five issues in and the only thing we know about them is that they run a business that’s supposedly evil. And only this issue, on the recap page, do we learn that the business is called The Exchange. What do they do? What sort of crimes do they commit? Why did they have the Bride’s wedding massacred? Why haven’t they finished the job by killing the Bride? Why does the Punisher particularly care? If it’s just him knocking off more criminals, why should we care? He does that all the time.

The best superhero stories, and definitely the best Punisher stories, give you a villain that you can get behind. Whether you sympathize with them and hate to see them defeated, or you loath them and can’t wait for the Punisher to put a bullet in their brain. Especially with a Punisher story, you need to know enough about the bad guys to want them dead. That’s definitely not the case here. The only thing I want for these bad guys is to not suck.

Back at the Punisher’s secret bunker, he really needs to get some new locks. That kid just lets himself in again.

Damn straight, he was aiming for you, kid

Frank Castle, still bandaged up, is in the middle of some target practice. He misses the last shot, and the kid rags on him about it. Punisher seems rather relaxed about some strange kid wandering into his safehouse. The kid is really talkative, assuming the gun-wielding Frank to be a soldier. The kid goes on and on about special forces units, and Frank kindly enough answers a question about Delta Squad. Frank looks his gun over as the kid goes on and on about wanting to join the Army, wanting to be Special Forces.

But then Frank lays some truth on him.

Frank was a Marine

And the kid starts crying.

The kid got angry as he broke down into tears, and Frank puts two and two together: the kids parents are both overseas serving in the army. Frank asks when they’ll be back, and the kid tells him “six months, three weeks, two days.” He’s been living with his grandparents since his parents shipped out, and he can’t wait to go home when they return.

The kid and Frank sit down, with the kid picking up a random bowl of food and just chowing down. He continues to go on and on about Frank, and that he must be on some kind of secret mission for the military. Frank takes the food away and tells the kid to go home to his grandparents before they miss him. The kid leaves and promises to keep Frank a secret…then drops a delightfully on-the-nose line:

Kid, you have no idea

Cut to the Lion’s Head Pub, where Daily Bugle reporter Norah Winters is having a drink with the Bride. The two have become friends since Norah wrote that story on Rachel last issue. They chat about why Norah isn’t out with her friends or family, and she replies that she’s on deadline. She’s got to finish up a story, then the two hot ladies will go use their hotness to score a free Thanksgiving dinner somewhere.  Norah takes a bathroom break and leaves her notebook suspiciously on the table in front of Rachel. The Bride can’t resist and flips it open to find a page full of notes about The Exchange and Creel. The notes don’t really say much, unless you’re better at piecing together Norah’s jibberish than I am.

That Derp face might be on to something...

I guess it’s enough to suit the Bride. She sets the notebook down, but doesn’t say anything.

Then it’s time to check in with detectives Bolt and Clemons. Ozzy Clemons is eating Thanksgiving alone with his dog, and plans to spend the evening reading some Shakespeare. Bolt, who is home with a big family, gives Clemons a call and invites him over. Clemons declines. Did we know that Bolt has a hot wife? I don’t remember. He does, with a name like ‘Hope’ too. That’s not going to end well. Remember what happened to Brad Pitt’s wife at the end of Se7en?

After hanging up with Clemons, Bolt gets a text like he did in the first issue about a drop-off. The Punisher wants a meet…next issue.

We end back at the Punisher’s safehouse, where for the third time in the issue, the kid just waltzes right on in without any locks on the door. What the hell, Frank!? You’re the freakin’ Punisher, this is your secret bunker, armed to the teeth; you don’t believe in locks? Any fool kid could walk in off the street and go peeking around your stuff. And who knows what they might find?

They might find that

The Punisher returns just in time to tell the kid to get lost. But the damage has been done. The kid recognized the symbol and angrily curses the Punisher that, “You’re not a soldier!” The kid runs back out into the snow, and Punisher watches him go.

End comic.

See what I mean? Nothing happened! Was that kid supposed to be some kind of innocent reminder of Frank’s mission? Are we supposed to care that the kid misses his parents? If Frank was smart enough to put locks on his door, we wouldn’t even have to care about the kid. Punisher clearly doesn’t. The kid just runs off to his nice, quiet life with his grandparents. Will that be the end of it? Who knows? Who cares? Nothing was accomplished. The Punisher didn’t have any character breakthroughs or moments. He just sort of tolerated the kid for a few moments in the middle of the issue before telling him to leave.

We don’t even get to see Punisher kill Creel and his crew – if the Punisher even did it at all. Everyone just sort of assumes the Punisher did it. But then how did the wounded man, with his leg still all bandaged up, get from Queens into Manhattan to perform a kill like that? I’m pretty sure they’re hinting at the Bride as the killer. It’s not explicit, but the clues are there. I think the Bride is pumping Norah for information so that she can work her way up the Exchange ladder.

The Exchange villains did mention that they thought Creel was the one talking to the reporter.

Makes sense…but so what!? This is a Punisher comic, who cares if the Bride is killing bad guys? It’s not her comic book. She hasn’t even met the Punisher. Hell, we don’t even know if she’s ever heard of the Punisher.

Is she going to become his sidekick? Partner? Lover? Who knows! None of the story pieces are connecting in any way so far. They’re all just floating near each other in the ether and not congealing into a fully story yet.

And I’m getting tired of waiting.